Oh wait, there's Danny. Yes, the two began to canoodle, and just in case we weren't sure just how sexually charged this moment was, the producers cut back and forth between the hidden cam footage and Nehemiah doing some marble-mouthed freestyle. I guess his floetry was supposed to indicate some kind of mounting passion. You know how it goes. Bunim/Murray visits the South By Southwest Film Festival and comes back all artsy. Whatever. Let's focus on what really matters: when's that hidden bedroom cam gonna turn infrared?

Unfortunately, despite the footage getting grainier and grainier, the prelude to a hump was rudely interrupted by Nehemiah, who served as this season's first true cockblock. Wait, I thought he was at the bar doing freestyle. Oh never mind. Let's just move on.

The next morning, it was finally time for the roommates to discover their job. Johanna crossed her fingers that she'd somehow get to act or sing or dance as she noted, "I like performing." She also added, "I also like drinking, lying, fighting, and drinking again. Oh, and helping kids."

Well, the group was taken to what appeared to be an abandoned lumber yard, but wait! A giant door opened, revealing a sickly man sitting atop a crane. This was Jason Pierson of the Austin Film Society, and as he lowered down to his flock, he kind of resembled the earthier, Kenny Loggins version of Patrick Stewart in X-Men. Anyway, Mr. Pierson quickly rattled off his credits, which included working with Spike Lee (dick -- sorry, personal experiences) and Michael Moore -- a director who Rachel HATES. Just about the only thing worse for Rachel is ordering a milkshake and getting chocolate milk. Oh, that smarts.

Anyway, Jason Pierson announced that the group would be producing a fifteen minute documentary about the South by Southwest Film and Music Festival. Not sure what this amateur doc will be named, but I'm putting money on "Shakey Cam Goes to Austin!" Luckily, Nehemiah has a Media Arts degree which gave the roommates instant comfort. Of course, this will probably give way to bitterness and resentment as the group will most likely question Nehemiah's skills and authority at some point or another. Fantastic.

Nevertheless, Jason then told the roommates to visit the University of Texas where they'd be meeting another advisor, Professor Paul Steckler. "You'll get to know him. You'll call him 'Steck,'" he said, adding, "You'll take walks with him, catch dinner by the shore, laugh about Proust. Your fingers will intermingle, losing themselves in a world of sensuality and flesh. He will become more than just Steck. He will become... home."

Okay, maybe Pierson didn't say that last part, but he had high regards for this mysterious "Steck" guy (who hopefully was no relation to Hawaii's Teck.) Before we could meet him, though, we had to go back home so that Melinda could waste away precious airtime babbling to her boyfriend. We knew things would get real rocky real fast when Jason tersely asked, "Who is this?" Ha! He's a dick! He just pretended like he didn't recognize his own girlfriend! That's some clunky passive aggression, my friend. Gotta work on the delivery. Let's start simple. Next time Melinda calls, simply say "Oh. It's you." Of course, if Jason were British, he could also add, "I'm sorry, but I'm serving tea now. As I always do at this time." Unfortunately, Jason didn't say any of this. Instead, he told Melinda that he was writing her off, and then the two blabbed on and on about who knows what. Seriously, we really don't care. Afterwards, Mel retreated to the kitchen where Nehemiah and Lacey consoled her and HOLY SHIT! Lacey has the whitest hand I've ever seen. It's like she put on a latex glove and dunked it in a vat of marshmallow sauce.

Behold my irradiant touch!

Anyway, while Lacey stroked Melinda's back with her alabaster hand, Nehemiah reminded the heartbroken girl that Jason wasn't worth the effort, especially when there was already a guy who cares for her so much. Yup, he was talking about Danny -- a.k.a. the dude they all just met about four days ago. And just in case we weren't sure how true Danny's insta-love of Melinda was, he swooped in and gave her a big hug. He also carried a big blanket around his shoulders as he huddled for warmth. Apparently he contracted a case of malaria in Austin too. Later, Melinda talked Danny's ear off about Jason, saying how screwed up their relationship was. Danny provided some perfunctory advice, and when Melinda was satisfied that she'd made this drama enough of everyone's business, she leaned over and kissed Danny on the head. Hey hey! Watch the skull, bitch!

The next day, everyone headed over to U.T. (University of Texas, not Utah) and met the famous Paul Steckler. Okay, first of all, this guy didn't have a cool crane. Second of all, he kind of looked like the lovechild of Art Garfunkel and... uh... Michael Dukakis? No. Anderson Cooper? No...I'll work on this one. Anyway, Steck introduced us to two of his students who would be helping the roommates. One was P.J., a ready-for-MTV Asian guy with trendy hair. The other was Jenn, the lesbian offspring of Richard from Beauty and the Geek. Needless to say, she was H-O-T (licking finger and letting it sizzle in the air).

Oh wait, I got it. If Art Garfunkel and Steck's assistant had a lovechild, it would be Steck.

Dim bulb Johanna was immediately impressed with Steck and his Stecklettes. "He seems to have a lot of experience working with documentaries," she said. Uh, well, he is a professor. Hence, the knowledge.

Posted by B-side on June 29, 2005 2:07 AM