Saving Face - 
by B-side
Tonight's Real World provided more of that skull-crunching drama we've come to expect from Austin. As usual, we spent our time waffling back and forth between drunken debauchery and sullen skull fractures, only this time, we added a new face to the mix: Leo the bartender. For those of you too busy to read a whole recap, here's the gist of it: Rachel now likes Wes, but Wes likes Johanna. And Johanna likes likes Danny. And Danny likes Melinda. And Melinda likes shiny objects. And balls of yarn. Actually, just balls. Now that I think of it though, since Melinda and Rachel made out in the first episode, the circle of lust is complete. Sorry, Nehemiah and Lacey. We'll see you guys on the reunion show.
The episode began with yet another reiteration of the punch heard around the world. Yes, nothing says fun like watching grainy footage of physical assault. Just about the only thing more entertaining is grainy footage of sexual relations. Basically, whenever a Bunim/Murray show gets grainy, you know you're watching some good shit.
Anyway, things seemed to be just lovely at the Real World house as we kicked off the show. Sun was shining, birds were chirping, the pool was flowing. But alas! Danny was filled with apprehension about his upcoming surgery. "I have so many questions," he lamented. "Will I look the same after surgery?" No, the doctors will unalterably transform you into a hideous BEAST! So long Abercrombie catalogue. Hello, chandelier-dropping in Parisian opera houses!
Still, Danny remained concerned: "I don't want like one eye to be like down here." Yes, because that always happens. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people go in for routine surgery only to emerge with one eye on their jaw. It's called Eye-Jaw. Really horrific. But hey, at least it's better than Penis-Nipple.
"I don't want to be such a disappointment... I feel like one," Danny then said. Yes, you are a disappointment. Don't you realize how many bloodlines have gone into making you so pretty? And you're going to throw it all away by getting a SCAR. That is why you wear an eye patch of SHAME!
Luckily, whatever regret and anguish Danny felt would soon be quarantined off to a dark, secretive place that psychologists often refer to as their "paychecks." You see, Danny's family has a way of handling problems by... well, not handling them at all. "My family never dwells on anything. If something happened, forget about it. Move on." Mmm... now that's the sort of tasty repression that makes the best alcoholics. Just ask Landon from Philadelphia.
All this skull babbling has really made me antsy. Let's go partying! Woohooo! Because it's never too serious an episode to booze it up, the non-skull-fractured roommates decided to hit up the Austin nightlife yet again. We then cut to footage of Lacey sipping her sensible beer. Oh shit! Looks like someone's gonna get lightly buzzed!
Meanwhile, over in the corner, Wes found himself saddled by Private Thunder Thighs a.k.a. Rachel. Now, I'm not one to usually make fun of a woman's legs, but between the camera angle and her miniskirt, well... let's just say she would have been warmly welcomed on the rugby squad. Being much more overt than me about their bashing were two locals, who yelled at Wes, "Get a prettier girl!" A bold statement, coming from two not-so-pretty girls. Surprisingly enough, despite being offended by the comments, Rachel didn't launch into full scale bitch mode. You know that if Johanna were around, the floors would have run red with the blood of a thousand scratches. Nevertheless, Wes stood up to the girls, causing hearts to appear in Rachel's eyes. "Wes is rising rapidly in terms of who I think is cool, " she said. Also rising rapidly on her list: Doritos.
Anyway, despite Rachel's newfound love for her Kansas City roommate, Wes's attention was firmly on Johanna. I don't know why, but maybe her buckteeth / raging alcoholism was a turn-on. In the self-deluded comment of the night, Johanna noted, "I don't like it when people say they like me." Yes, and we all saw how happy you were when Danny didn't say he liked you two episodes ago. Just shut up and go away.
Speaking of Danny, his dad arrived to be with his son during the surgery. In what was sure to be one of many heebie-jeebies moments of the season, Danny had his pops touch his broken eye-socket to feel the extent of the damage. Danny then noted how his cheekbone on the left side of his face was all smashed in. Sadly, no barf bags were provided for this scene.
The next night at yet another club, Wes told Lacey (whose sexy polka-dotted top almost exposed her collar bone. Grrrrowl) how much he liked Johanna, but even more revealing was his nifty Freudian slip. "I'm used to going for guys like Johanna," he said, quickly correcting his wording to "girls". He then added, "I love taking it up the ass-- I mean, kissing women."
Later, Wes confronted Johanna and said, "I'm drunk right now; so I can be truthful." Yes, it's the Real World mantra. Actually, it's more like the alcoholism mantra, but hey, at this point, it's all the same, right? Well, Wes confessed to Johanna that he really likes her a lot, but she happily rebuffed him, saying that she couldn't-- absolutely couldn't -- hurt Rachel that way. For real! She's not playing hard to get! And she's not trying to prolong Wes's unabashed attention! Johanna has total respect for her roommates, and she's not about to trample on Rachel's territory. She would never do that. Just ask Melinda. Oh wait...
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