Well, after getting served a heaping plate of rejection, Wes consoled himself with, you guessed it, alcohol! Hey, haven't we already seen this before? You know, like two weeks ago? Apparently, The Real World has become completely postmodern. The cast is now acting out its own rerun. Who would have thought these guys would be the Thomas Pynchon of Bunim/Murray?

Soon, Wes's liquid courage had morphed into liquid imbalance as the girls had to practically carry him through the streets of Austin. "Sometimes I feel like I play the mother in the house," Lacey told us in an interview. Well, that'll happen when you have more than six functioning brain cells on this show. Now get off my screen and let me look at the drunk pretty people!

Anyway, as Wes swayed and stumbled towards his bedroom, Johanna and Rachel noshed on popcorn in the phone lounge. I don't really remember what they were saying because A) it was banal; and B) I was too distracted by Johanna talking with a mouth full of masticated popcorn. How about you shut your trap so I don't have to see your homegrown saliva cornmeal?

Everyone Loves A Spicy Latina... who chews with her mouth CLOSED.

The next morning, it was finally time for Danny to have surgery, but not before brushing his teeth. Unfortunately, he accidentally used Nehemiah's toothbrush, and I was instantly sad that Cameran from San Diego wasn't there for commentary. "I can now say that I've seen a black person's tooth brush, and it's really cool!"

Anyway, once the dental hygiene antics were over, Danny headed to the hospital with his dad. Hey, where the hell has Melinda been this episode? All this drama, and she's hardly flashed her perky smile on the screen. Well, the nurses brought Danny to his bed, and as they pulled back the curtain, who should be there but Melinda! There she is! How long had she been there? Who let her in? Were promise rings exchanged?

While we pondered these weighty issues, Danny's dad met with the doctors who explained the surgical procedure. Here's me during the scene: "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA... Is it over? No? LA LA LA LA LA LA..." I also tend to do that when "Yes, Dear" comes on, but who doesn't? Okay, that implies that I actually watch that show, so let's just forget it.

Back at the bedside, Melinda honed in on what was most important. "I still think you look hot!" she crowed. Well, that's good. I mean, considering their relationship is based purely on the fact that they're both physically attractive, it's pretty important that she still thinks Danny's hot. What happens though if he returns from surgery looking less hot? I guess Bunim/Murray will just have to crank up the sorrowful guitars and show footage of Melinda's chin trembling as she says, "I... I just don't know anymore."

Ah, but the parade of stupid comments continued. In an interview, Melinda commented, "I feel so close to him. If he would never have gotten hit, I might never gotten this opportunity to get to know Danny on such a deep level." WELL THANK GOD FOR THAT! He should get his skull cracked more often! By the way, Melinda, you do realize you have FOUR MONTHS with this guy. I'm sure between the humping and the drinking, there might be time for some casual conversation and bonding. Right? Please say yes.

Anyway, Danny was sure to return the high praise. "When I'm with her, I don't even remember that I have a broken face. It's pretty cool." That's great. That's really great. Maybe you should write a Hallmark card:

When I'm with you
I forget that my skull is broken.
Because you are wicked hot.
Cool.

"This could be the last time i ever see him."

Yes. Those dangerous eye surgeries. Nothing says risky like a procedure which will be 100% healed in seven days. You should see what happens when she has to go to the dentist: "I fear that I might come back paralyzed."

Anyway, after Dad kissed Danny on the head (watch the eye, jerk!), the doctors whisked away their patient. As for me, I was kinda hoping for that eye on the jaw thing, but whatever. Nevertheless, Danny's guests waited around during the surgery, and I couldn't help noticing Melinda sitting behind the receptionist. WTF? Why does this girl have free reign over this hospital? Next thing you know, she'll be performing open heart surgery -- but only on the really hot patients.

Well, here's the good news. The Igor-ish surgeon emerged to say that the procedure went off without a hitch. Later, as Danny groggily came to, Melinda asked the question on everyone's minds: "Wanna take some body shots, Danny?" She then added, "Seriously, my entire body's been shaking for the past forty five minutes. I need to drink some alcohol."

Ah well. Enough of this Austin medical drama. We cut back to the mansion where Lacey was soaking her albino skin in the pool. Everyone, do NOT go in the pool. The outcast is swimming. I repeat, the outcast is swimming.

Lacey taints the pool with her "virtue" and "non-whorish ways."

Later, Johanna, Wes, and Rachel headed out to a bar again (way to visit Danny in the hospital, jerks) where we met Leo, a bartender. I'm not sure if it was because he was good looking or because he was simply providing her with alcohol, but Leo became Johanna's next obsession. She described their relationship as "Attraction at first sight," or as Leo might say, "Easy tips and a blowjob on the side." Nevertheless, only seconds after meeting Leo, Johanna was already having him do body shots off her. You see? That's the episode's theme! Body shots! Who says this show doesn't have substance anymore?

Posted by B-side on July 6, 2005 3:35 AM