This week's debacle began with stirring images of a peace rally in Austin. Oooh! A politically charged episode? We can only hope! After all, the past few weeks have saddled us with nothing but bony melodrama and endless dry humping from Melinda and Danny. Finally, something more substantial!

My enthusiasm was quickly rewarded as we met up with Rachel showing off her army photo album to the roomies. "I fought for this country," she said. "It actually gives you a sense of pride." Yes, much like how appearing on The Real World can give you a sense of shame.

With everyone leafing through Rachel's photos, we finally had our first open dialogue about the Iraq conflict. "What happens if you get caught having sex with one of the soldiers?" asked Danny. Ah yes, the question on every American's mind. Thank you MTV for finally providing the forum for these pressing issues. I'm only sad that Sway couldn't pop in with his expert commentary.

This political discourse soon gave way to a random B-roll footage of Austin's various bronze soldier statues. Ah, get it? Soldier statues on an episode about soldiers! It was almost -- almost -- as good as the trusty red light/green light footage we get to see during rocky relationship stories. Man, Bunim/Murray never saw a traffic light it couldn't splice into an emotional conflict.

Nevertheless, the episode was proving to be dangerously legitimate in the substance department as Rachel and Nehemiah debated whether or not life is worse for a prisoner or a soldier. It's sort of an interesting question. Luckily, these two wunderkind weren't up for the intellectual challenge, mostly because, well, they're reality stars. Instead, the discussion devolved into snippy little remarks, ultimately ending with some passive aggressive straw sucking. Now, I like Nehemiah, but until he's been to jail, he should probably zip it. And Rachel, she should probably zip it too, but that's only because she's fairly annoying in general.

Seeing that this episode might be stranding us on an island of sobriety and thoughtful dialogue, we quickly shifted focus to who else? Melinda and Danny! Yes, The Beauty & The Beauty cuddled warmly in their corner, basking in the glow of their genetic fortune. Unfortunately, Danny's broken face was still ruining his social life, which meant Melinda had to go out all by her lonesome self in an effort to mingle with the other roomies. "I still need to get to know the rest of the roommates," Melinda noted. She then summoned everyone into the room and asked, "Okay, in an effort to get to know you better, I would like to formally invite you to my vagina. Who wants to have sex?"

Actually, she didn't say that, but Melinda did go off with her other roommates to enjoy a night of non-broken-faced revelry. Left at home, Danny explained to us, "I'm used to dating more conservative types of girls." Well, thank god you came on the Real World. No sluts here! Just your typical Amy Grant fans who like to nestle in for a long night of hot cocoa and HGTV.

Speaking of sluts, Johanna showed up on screen to announce that the group would be heading off to a theme party that night. "I like theme parties," she noted. Favorite theme: alcoholism. Now, I watched this episode without a Tivo (yes, shocking, right?) so I must have missed what this theme actually was. As far as I could tell, it was "Use Your Curling Iron Night!" because aside from a few crimps and curls in Johanna's locks, everyone pretty much looked the same as always. Everyone, that is, except Lacey who whored it up at the bar with her sensible top and provocative hand-over-mouth dancing/bopping. Oh, bitch just flaunts it.

Later, a drunken Wes -- still trying to prove his manhood/not-gayhood -- approached a few girls and said he wanted to make out. It didn't go over too well with one girl, but guess who was more than open to the idea? That's right! Our very own slutterella, Melinda! The two swapped spit for a whole three seconds before blondie pulled back in laughter. To be fair, it was all fun and games, and nothing happened that was any more risqué than Mindi's makeout session with Richard on tonight's Beauty and the Geek reunion show (seriously, did anyone see that?). But this is The Real World. It would only be a matter of time before the entire non-incident would turn into a full-scale hellfire and brimstone drama.

Well, after going to the dark side that is Wes World, Melinda returned to her loyal Danny and announced, "I miss you so much, it's not funny." Actually, it's very funny. But I digress. What else do you have to say for yourself, Melinda? "I want to f*ck you so bad." Excellent. One STD, coming right up.

Posted by B-side on July 14, 2005 9:31 AM