The episode began with the kiddos pouring out of the front door like slowly dripping ooze. It was time to hit the town (The Dizzy Rooster, perhaps?) and as the chipper clan of merrymakers (or stupidmakers, depending on the topic of conversation) strolled through the murky streets of Austin, we learned a storm was brewing between our two favorite paradigms of self-delusion: Wes and Johanna. You see, they weren't talking to each other any more in the wake of last episode's monumental fight, which, as you may remember, was about nothing. Literally. Okay, okay. It was about something. Basically, Wes had accused Johanna of being a cocktease, and Johanna had accused Wes of being, well, some inaudible slurring sound. A "blirshlirish" perhaps? Nevertheless, this epic rift somehow remained intact, despite the usually enlightening effect of sobriety, which leads me to believe these two a) are kind of immature; b) still haven't sobered up; or c) all of the above.

Anyway, everyone arrived at The Dizzy Rooster (of course), and almost immediately, we shifted to the lovely Mel who was talking with her friend, TJ. This Real World dayplayer shared an utterly fascinating account of his latest fight with his girlfriend, a story which immediately caused Melinda to pine after Danny yet again. Then again, anything makes Melinda think about Danny. A bum chasing a plastic bag could probably send Melinda's heart aflutter.

Back at the house, DannyFest 2005 continued as Melinda announced she was going to spray her sheets with his cologne, which I'll assume was imitation Axe Body Spray. Either that, or Febreeze. And in case you're wondering, Danny had actually given Melinda permission to shroud her linens 'n' things in his scent. Still no word though on whether or not she could stop calling him "Yahweh."

Continuing her lunacy, Melinda then brought a small picture of Danny out to the kitchen and propped it up near the spoonful of mac & cheese that constituted her dinner. "He's like eating with us!" she cooed. Except, well, I'm pretty sure Danny's taller than three inches. And three-dimensional. And, you know, not a photograph.

We then saw a closeup of this Danny photo as the girls observed how happy he looked. I personally was more taken by the random English muffin in his hand. Does he often carry those around?

Danny's got some girls, his hat, and an English muffin. Who could ask for anything else?

Anyway, let's just move on before I get caught up in a tangental discussion of English muffins (and believe me, it was about to happen. You don't even want to know about the paragraph I just deleted). The next day, the roommates busted out their spiffy video camera and taped each other as part of a documentary exercise. We first watched Melinda's wonderful camerawork as she zoomed in (and I mean zoooooomed in) on Johanna's eye. Wow. So bold. So artistic. So amateurish. Somebody call Current TV! We got a new pod!!

Meanwhile, Wes announced that he wanted to film Lacey in the closet. Um, okay. Didn't really make sense, but hey, we'll go with it. Lacey was actually fine with it too, but she did note, "I don't want them to think I'm gay." Hmmm... Virgin? Short hair? She does have a point. Eh, but we all know Wes is the closeted one, so I wouldn't worry too much, Lace. Actually, Wes wanted to be filmed in his natural environment. "So Nehemiah should be doing me in the bar?" he suggested. Oh Wes. You make it so easy.

Eventually, Lacey paired off with Rachel and the two followed in film auteur Melinda's footsteps by making excessive use of the zoom function. Needless to say, as stimulating as it was to gaze upon Rachel's earlobe (and mouth. And eye. And hair), I think I would have settled for an old-fashioned medium shot. Lacey did explain the method to her madness: "I wanted to interview Rachel because Rachel's so loud." Yes, as evidenced by this FRECKLE ON HER NECK.

Executives at Current now have an erection.

Later, after we also glimpsed some of the breathtaking video work of Wes and Nehemiah, the roomies all headed to U of T to meet with their salt-and-pepper-haired advisor, "Steck." Things were awkward at first as the Steck-meister said, "PJ and Jenn told me that Danny's mother-- He hasn't had a very good month." It's okay, Steck. You can say "DIED." No need to patronize with massive understatements.

Johanna -- fresh from Real World: Iditarod.

Anyway, after Steck was done making awkward comments, he introduced us to some bearded guy whose career aspirations probably include "Jason Lee's best friend." I honestly didn't write down his name because I thought we'd never see him again, but alas, he actually returned to the Real World house with the kids (I know. I didn't think ugly people were allowed in either) and revealed a secret room in the compound. Yes, this was the most exciting thing to happen since Rachel stumbled upon the gold room in Big Brother 6. Turns out the mansion came with a fully equipped editing room featuring Avid systems, various glossy monitors, and -- wait for it -- color coded folders. AWESOME!

Posted by B-side on August 30, 2005 6:52 PM