The show began at... (drum roll)... The Dizzy Rooster! Yay variety! On tonight's episode of Life At The Cock, Wes met a lovely young woman named Wren -- like the songbird, or perhaps the Waste Recycling Environmental Limited. Either/or. Anyway, Wren (no relation to those hotties Toucan and Cockatiel) inspired nothing but love from our boy Wes; although you wouldn't know it to hear him speak. "Life at the bar is like being a hunter," Wes explained. "I look for the best girl in the bar, and I will go after her." Yes. Like the barrel-shaped Megan from a few weeks ago.

Nevertheless, despite being positively smitten by Wren, Wes still felt the need to talk a big game. "I'm telling you right now. I'm not a nice guy," he insisted as he walked her back to the house. Moments later, as they stood at the doorway, he then said, "I'm going inside. If you want to come in, I'd be ecstatic." WHAT AN ASSHOLE! He's so not a nice guy! What sort of pussy-ass sweetheart ever politely invites a girl inside without applying that much pressure! JERK!

Amazingly, Wren took Wes up on this "not-a-nice-guy" offer, and inside they sat around the kitchen table while Johanna, Rachel, and Lacey ogled just inches away. Making this scene even more awkward was Wes -- surprise, surprise -- who after a good 45 minutes seemed to have discovered his soulmate in this random barfly. "Right now, you're the kind of girl that I swear to God I could make changes in my life for," he confessed, apparently not concerned with coming off as ca-RAY-zee (cuckoo clock sounds going off left and right). You see, it's not that Wes wears his heart on his sleeve. It's more like his heart IS his sleeve.

The Wren and Stumpy Show

Of course, threatened by the attractive competition sitting at the table, Johanna immediately began ragging on Wren behind her back, making silly pantomime gestures and goofy faces. One might say she was the one-woman TVgasm of the mansion. Ah, but nary an episode can go by without Johanna saying at least one dishonest comment. Let's hear what she has to say about Wren and Wes: "She's young, pretty, thin. Am I jealous? No. Do I feel sorry for him? Yes." Oww! I just got stabbed by Johanna's nose poking through the TV!

As for Wes, well, he's never one to fail us in the self-deluded department either. Regarding Johanna: "I really don't care that much. If she's jealous, great. Good for her." This coming from the man who made a bet insisting he could make Johanna jealous -- NOT THAT HE CARES.

Anyway, Wes continued to dote on his freshly caught Wren. "Do you not think that it's fate maybe that I met you so early?" he asked in a classically embarrassing moment. He continued: "I think it's an asset that I met you so early." As asset? Whaa? Will the capability of being able to meet Wren "earlier" somehow better Wes's life skills? What is he talking about? Why is Wes such an idiot? God, I love this cast.

Well, Wren had the patronizingly non-commital response Wes so deserved: "Believing something like that is really good." Ouch. Is it cold in here? Actually, what was so amusing about Wren's comment was that she delivered it in this sweet, "I love you" tone that completely distracted Wes from her subtle put-down. Good ole Wes. Always quick on the uptake.

Later, after Wren had flown the coop, Wes decided to move his attention onto Rachel who was debating what to wear for a future bar-top extravaganza at The Dizzy Rooster. She wanted to wear a skirt, but considering she'd be up high, everyone casually reminded her that such apparel might make her seem, how do you say? Slutty. Ah, but there's a difference between acting like a slut and being a slut, Rachel noted, still undecided as to which category she'd like to fall under. Yes, the army vet needed guidance, and that was where Wes came in. "I want to teach her to stop being so annoying," he said proudly, later likening her to his little sister. And how, pray tell, did Wes help Rachel? Oh, he just gave her some constructive criticism: "If you were not dating Eric, you would be a slut."

(Awwwwkward)

Luckily, Rachel didn't snap back with any sort of remark. Instead she simply took the comment, internalized it, and then tucked it away into a dark place where it would never come back. Ever. Unless, of course, the word "slut" were to be used again that night. But I digress.

Later, at Austin's soon-to-be most derided bar, The Dizzy Rooster, Melinda and Rachel hopped up on the bar counter as planned and strutted their stuff. It didn't take long for Rachel to embrace her inner slut as she began making out with Matt, The Dizzy Rooster bouncer (not to be confused with Collin, the OTHER Dizzy Rooster bouncer Rachel tried to make out with).

Posted by B-side on September 1, 2005 7:10 PM