The show began with Nehemiah working on his "portrait" of Wes in the editing suite. For those of you who may have missed last week's installment, the roomies had all been assigned the task of documenting each other in an effort to educate them about the basics of video production. Luckily, Nehemiah had a degree in "Media Arts," which meant surely this opus would be a grand-slam of epic proportions. "I think it didn't come out too bad," boasted Nehemiah, adding, "Aaaaand star-wipe!"

Well, the kiddos all met with their advisor, Paul Steckler, and of course Nehemiah outclassed everyone with the amount of work he'd put into his project. Score one for Media Arts! Lacey admitted that she was "selfishly annoyed" -- or as most Real Worlders call it, "annoyed" -- that Nehemiah had shown up everyone by working so diligently on his project.

"I can't help but feel that Nehemiah just wants to be in the spotlight and kind of be like, 'Look Teach! Look what I did!'" added Lacey. Wow, a reality star wanting to hog the spotlight? Now you're talking crazy, Lacey-poo. Meanwhile, as much as I respected Lacey's candid grudges, I still couldn't really feel too badly for her. I mean, how long does it really take to add some transitions, titles, and music to a project? One hour? Two hours? You know, the person I was most disappointed in was Rachel, who just last week boasted that she had made "numerous iMovies." I assumed a film making auteur of her stature surely would have no problem advancing her project beyond just the "assembly" stage, but I guess you can't force inspiration. It's sort of like sending cotton candy ice cream through the USPS: Not very effective.

Well, after hearing much about his soon-to-be staple of Current TV, we finally got to see Nehemiah's Media Arts degree in action. Thus, the grand premiere of Wes's portrait, or as it was poetically called, Still Waters Run Deep. That's quite the title for simple ol' Wes. Maybe Nehemiah accidentally thought he was commissioned by Lifetime. I half expected Meredith Baxter to be playing to role of "Ma," Wes's abusive, unstable, but distinctly empowered mother who's driven to murder when she catches her husband in bed with another woman. Sadly, it was not meant to be.

As for Nehemiah's burgeoning career as an MTV video director? Well, let's just say he might want to look into master's programs. I mean, the multi-colored 1992 PrintShop fonts were cool and everything, and that artistic filter was waaay rad -- totally a throwback to 1987 -- but I'm thinking he might want to take a few lessons from Rachel, the Steven Spielberg of iMovie, if you will.

Nehemiah: All the resources of MTV with the panache of cable access.

After a few "artistic" shots of trees and a foot, Nehemiah's presentation ended with Wes informing us that "There's more to Wes than most people think." For instance, Wes really likes daisies. Oh, and daffodils too. And you know when you take some aluminum foil and bunch it up into a ball? Yeah, he LOVES that. So many dimensions.

When the lights finally came up in the theater (or rather, the VHS tape came to a stop), Nehemiah had a contained look on his face as if he were about to rush the podium and say, "I want to thank the Academy, Jesus, mom, my family, Wes -- you're my dawg! You're my DAWG!" But alas, the fantasy was cut short by Steck, whose decidedly tepid reaction was just slightly better than saying, "Eh." Yes, the advisor shrugged his shoulders and said, "Not bad," which was his polite way of saying, "My three-year-old daughter is more skilled." Ouch. Sorry Neh. And here I thought Gwen Stefani would be hiring you for her new video. Shows what I know.

By the way, is it me, or when Steck talks, do you just want to pet his big, puffy hair? I'm pretty sure somewhere in his family tree is a sheep.

Go ahead. Pet the Steck!

Anyway, Lacey's clip was up next, but oopsy daisy! There was some raw footage on the tape that shouldn't have been there. Luckily, it consisted of nothing too embarrassing like someone's breasts or testicles, but for Rachel, it was still mortifying, as Steck got to hear her say, "When I'm drunk, I like to pleasure myself." I'm guessing masturbation was never touched upon in any of her numerous iMovies.

As for Danny, he didn't really have a portrait done yet. He was a bit, uh, nervous when it came to the technology: "I am so camcordah and computah retaaahded." No, Sully, YOU AHHH! Danny then made out with Rachel Dratch. It was very strange.

Posted by B-side on September 7, 2005 1:29 AM