Okay, in reality, Danny did not reenact an SNL skit, but he did say he was "camcorder and computer retarded," and you know, maybe if he were my grandmother, I'd give him some slack, but dude, it's 2005 and you're like 22 or 23. If you can't figure out how to press a button and look through a viewfinder, it's not that you're camcorder retarded. It's more like you're mentally retarded -- and even that I'm not so sure about.

Anyhoo, the next assignment for this sure-to-be awesome documentary was that the roommates then had to sift through CDs and records to find bands that they wanted to profile. Lacey immediately gravitated to the unorthodox or original voices, taking a keen liking to bands Enon and DMBQ (not to be confused with the gay cover band, Dave Matthews Band Queens). Johanna, meanwhile, liked the group Hellogoodbye, which, by the way, is also the reigning principle behind her love life. Unfortunately, Lacey hated Hellogoodbye, saying they sounded just like the All-American Rejects (who in turn sound like every teen-punk band out there).

"I'm not saying they're awful," ranted Lacey, "But it's like, come on. 'We're all anorexic boys squeezing into little jeans and getting girls's haircuts.'" Funny, the last guy I saw with a girl's haircut was Lacey's boyfriend. Wait a second. Has he been pulling double duty as the lead singer of All-American Rejects? That would explain the rash of wheelchair songs they've had recently.

Okay, I kid. I kid. Nevertheless, after Lacey's anti-teen/pop/punk tirade, Danny revealed, "I can't lie because I like some stuff like that." Wow. Danny likes unoriginal garbage by bands like A Simple Plan and Yellowcard? Who would have thunk it?? (Actually, I can't front either. Last weekend I went to two Dave Matthews shows AND downloaded an mp3 from, er, Yellowcard. [grinning sheepishly].) Later, as a totally bland and generic rock riff came on over the stereo, Danny bopped his head and happily announced, "This is exactly the music I listen to at home." You see, I would NEVER do that on national TV. It's one thing to have your embarrassing stash of Yellowcard and My Chemical Romance MP3s on your iPod. But it's quite another to profess your love for them across America. Gosh Danny, at least try to be hip and mention The Shins and Modest Mouse. Pssssh.

After the commercial break, we met up with Danny who was now overcoming his camcorder retaahdedness by shooting his portrait of Nehemiah. We knew it was gonna be a good one because Danny was gettin' all super artsy with some provocative angles... from behind. Hey, it's called "talking head," not "talking butt." Nehemiah, meanwhile, babbled on about his mother and his family, and I couldn't help wondering why he seemed to look younger and younger with each passing episode. I swear, in three weeks I'll have to call Child Protective Services.

Back at the University of Texas, everyone met with Steck again to talk about the bands. Lacey pushed her Enon agenda, but then everyone else sided with a band called Halifax. Things got really interesting, however, when Steck suggests a little band I like to call HELLOGOODBYE. A.K.A. Johanna's favorite band EVER! The kids -- minus Lacey -- all piped up with excitement, and it looked like Lacey would be taking her first steps towards official outcast-dom. Steck played a few Hellogoodbye tracks on his Dell MP3 player, one of many Dell electronics surfacing on MTV these days. Sionara Apple and HP. There's a new techie-whore on reality TV. And by all means, good people of Dell, feel free to advertise here on the lovely pages of TVgasm (me: smiling, doing my best Vanna White presentation of the website).

After the meeting, Operation Outcast moved to new levels as everyone but Lacey and Rachel met for lunch at Chipotle. Everyone noshed on their burritos, and Nehemiah suddenly had an aw-shucks moment as he gushed, "You like Hellogoodbye? I do, too!" YIPPEEE!!! YAY FOR HELLOGOODBYE!!! By the way, I hate Hellogoodbye, but only because they're one, big, annoying word. Let's get some spacebar action, folks. By the way, is it ironic that "spacebar" does not require the use of a spacebar? These are the thoughts that keep me awake every night.

Anyway, now that it was clear that Nehemiah lurved Hellogoodbye, everyone suddenly realized something was afoot. You see, Lacey had told everyone that Nehemiah had liked her bands, not Hellogoodbye. That scheming, manipulative, not-as-attractive BITCH. Wes laid it all out for us: "Lacey is sitting there behind the scenes, conniving her way to get the band that she wants the most!" Yes, and this was evidenced by footage of Lacey nefariously typing at the computer, all under an EVIL sepia lens filter. You know, I didn't think she was that conniving, but without color in the frame, I knew she was like a modern-day Hitler.

Typing in sepia tones? Bitch.

Nevertheless, Danny actually ended the Chipotle roundtable with a rather strong, if inarticulate point: "Lacey's so stuck on the fact about not being cliché that she's, she's like that cliché girl that's like that. She's just like every other girl that does that." Ah, but what's worse? A clichéd fan or a clichéd band? And when the f*ck did Real Worlders care so much about clichés? Let's just move on.

Posted by B-side on September 7, 2005 1:29 AM