This week's episode began with Melinda super excited to visit a ranch. She was so excited, in fact, that she had to go tell Danny that her cowpoke dreams might be coming true. Then again, it doesn't take much to get Melinda to rush to Danny's side. If she'd found a hangnail, she probably would have paraded around the house banging a pot with a ladle until she found her man.

Nevertheless, Melinda found Danny doing one of the three things he loves most: taking a glum shower. (This ranks just slightly above drinking in the pool, but way behind lying in bed half asleep.) She alerted him of her rancher plans, but of course, Danny was less than thrilled. You see, it's not just the cowboy stuff that he was uncertain about. It was Mel in general. "I found someone I do like, but at the same time, I don't want to miss out on experiences because of that," he explained. Yeah, and he really shouldn't miss out on experience. I mean, why go to an authentic ranch to get a taste of local culture and history when you can go to The Dizzy Rooster for the eighth time in five days to get drunk? Stupid Melinda.

Speaking of getting drunk, we then fast forwarded to that night as the gang collectively suckled at the teat of the Dizzy Rooster. "I'm waking up on my f*ckin' bathroom floor, dude!" promised Danny, later adding, "You know, I like the bathroom floor, but sometimes I feel like it's holding me back from other floors and experiences."

Meanwhile, poor Wes was having some drama with Wren. You remember, Wren, right? She's the girl with the big forehead who Wes fell in love with after about five minutes? Well, we all thought she was gone (her hanging up on Wes was the giveaway), but apparently she had come back for more torture. Unfortunately, Wren may have exposed herself to heartache because while Wes was fetching a drink at the bar, he full-on kissed another girl. Oh no he di-int!!! Actually, it wasn't as simple as that. You see, this alleged mistress had asked to buy Wes a drink, and being the perfect gentleman he is, he accepted. But while they were waiting for their spirits to arrive, bitch grabbed his face and planted one on his lips. And yes, Wren totally saw it.

Well, all nervous and scared, Wes immediately ran to Danny with his dilemma and received the sage advice he so desperately needed: "It's because you're good looking, dude!" Amazingly, Wes then responded, "Dude, I know!" Uh, wasn't he asking for help, not positive reinforcement? That's okay. It's nice to see in the world of Danny, issues can all be whittled down to the simplest question: does this impact how good I look?

Luckily, since this was just a misunderstanding, all the girls had Wes's back. Or actually... "It's annoying how much he talks about you. And to know that he's doing something like that, it makes me really mad," said Mel to Wren. Wow, looks like Mel got a sip of the ol' Lacey Instigating Juice. Nevertheless, Wren acted like she was cool with everything, especially once a contrite Wes explained what had happened. "Okay, I don't care. I don't care," said Wren in a performance that won't be winning any Oscars anytime soon. Poor Wes. Just when he found the woman of his dreams, he had to go accept an obviously flirtatious offer from a drunken girl. Go figure. Luckily, Danny consoled him by saying... I don't know, actually. Either I'm going deaf or The Dizzy Rooster was too loud because I couldn't hear a damn word.

Later, as the two guys headed back to the mansion, a frustrated, drunken Wes accidentally knocked over a small traffic barrier, causing Danny to cheer, "WHOA! Look at that! You brushed that thing off! Lookit! You looked kind of tough doing that, dude!" Yeah man! You knocked over a light, unstable object! Holy shit! Maybe you can take out a Jenga tower! Or a card castle! Or a pyramid of champagne glasses! You are one tough motherf*cker!!

Posted by B-side on September 17, 2005 8:31 PM