After the two came down from the natural high that only a falling piece of wood could provide, Danny and Wes then engaged in a typically dumb, drunk conversation. The topic once again returned to girls girls girls, and how Wren and Melinda had become such ball and chains. Luckily, Danny had a logic-free plan to deal with the situation. The two guys would go out to the bars without their 'hos and flirt with other girls. If they wound up making out with someone (other than themselves), then they'd know their relationships weren't meant to be. But if they didn't want to hook up with any of the girls, then it would be clear that their girlfriends were the real deal. Wow, that's a litmus test if I ever saw one. Way to go, Danny! And just in case we didn't remember why Danny had developed this elaborate plan, he announced, "I'm sick of playing husband to Mel!" Yeah, what a stupid, needy bitch. F*ck her for taking care of you when you broke your skull or when your mom died. 'Cause tramps like Danny, baby they were born to run!!!

Sadly, this intriguing conversation came to a quick halt as Wes literally walked into a wooden beam. Oooh, revenge for the traffic barrier! It was like the inanimate object version of Todd Bertuzzi.

Well, back at the mansion, Danny hated "playing husband" to Melinda sooo much that he gave her a piggy back ride in protest. That'll learn her! Eventually though, he put his foot down when Melinda suggested, "Let's go have sex." She may have been horny and beautiful, but Danny was content to simply sit with his roomies and mope in his distractingly puffy hat. What, pray tell, would the future have in store for this couple??

If you answered "campfires and shit wars," you'd be on the right track. Yes, despite resistance from people like Danny, the kiddos all headed out to the country to do some old fashioned camping on a ranch. We soon met Larry, the chief cowboy of the Ranchero Something-Or-Another, and almost immediately, Danny was making the sort of patronizing comments popular jocks usually reserve for substitute teachers in high school. "Kind of quiet out here, Larry," said the always HILARious Danny. The grizzly cowboy took it in stride though and responded, "Well, that's why I live here. I'm not into neon." Technically, neon isn't so much loud as it is bright, but that's neither here nor there. I'm sure Larry had more pressing things on his mind, like how the hell he was going to preserve the silence of the ranch with resident squawkers Johanna and Rachel hanging around.

Nevertheless, Larry brought the kids into his house and showed them their bedrooms. So much for that whole "camping" thing. Afterwards, the group headed to the corral where Melinda not only hopped on a horse but actually stood on its back. This caused Rachel to ponder, "Does she know how to ride horses just because she's from Wisconsin? I mean, I've done it at a couple of birthday parties..." Yes, you know, when she wasn't making NUMEROUS iMovies!

Horse to Larry: "Hey, I thought you said she was a nympho, not a gymnast."

Soon everyone mounted horses, and inside my head, the countdown began to the next Danny tragedy. Surely one of these horses would buck him off, sending him flying into a beehive and then down a cliff. But no, Danny survived all the horsing around (nyuck nyuck nyuck), and later that night, everyone gathered around the campfire as Larry sang "I Got Spurs That Jingle Jangle Jingle."

"Oh, I know this song!" lied Danny, who was equal parts rude for mocking his host and dumb for not actually knowing the classic song. Nevertheless, while Larry sang, Danny's immaturity continued to prosper as he joked, "Good song. Good song." Hearing that, Lacey immediately started a secret campaign to replace Larry with one of her less clichéd bands. She LOVES Enon!

Later, after everyone had retired to the house, Melinda and Danny hung back at the campfire to talk about "things." Yawn. It was pretty much the same old same old. You know, Danny loves being around Melinda and thinks she's wicked awesome but wonders if maybe it was all happening too fast. Of course, no one ever asks Danny why it's bad that his relationship has developed so quickly. What was he missing out on? Going to bars and hooking up with random girls? How is that any better than just having sex with Melinda, a bona fide hottie? Oh, I get it. It's because with Melinda, he doesn't get to feel like a rock star. And honestly, isn't that what going on The Real World is all about? Not learning valuable perspectives from your roommates, but brandishing your newfound fame like a perfectly askew short-brimmed cap?

The next morning, it was time to riiiise and shine as Larry woke the junior ranchers at the crack of dawn. I was momentarily shocked to see a homeless bag-lady sleeping on a top bunk, but then after closer inspection, I realized it was just Rachel with really, really bad bed-head. My guess was that she had spent the night tossing and turning in bed, with nightmares of a national cotton-candy ice cream shortage plaguing her slumber. It was like The Wizard of Oz, except at Ben & Jerry's.

Army vet. Spare some change?

Once everyone had woken up and returned to life, Larry took them to the backyard where the roommates immediately suspected they'd have to do some nasty shit. Well, not really do shit as much as pick up shit. "If it's anything to do with crap, I'm not doing it," insisted an unsurprisingly obstinate Danny (insert crap/reality TV joke here). "Let me tell you something," barked back Larry, "Life is full of shit, okay?" Boo-YAH! Cowboy 1, Danny 0!

Wes: Not so much cowboy as cowdumb.

Posted by B-side on September 17, 2005 8:31 PM