Later, Wes made his way upstairs where he babbled on the phone with some poor soul -- probably Wren -- and while he chatted away, Rachel decided that it was important for her to call her boyfriend Eric (remember him? Big guy, fairly whipped, the Post Office's worst nightmare). You know where this is going. Actually, you probably don't because this wasn't just a new incarnation of the Tonya vs. Aneesa phone battles. Instead, while Rachel was waiting, Nehemiah sassed off to her that she shouldn't pressure Wes to get off the phone. In response, she flipped him off jokingly, but LO! No wench besmirches the honor of Lord Nehemiah, Ruler of the Bratwurst Kingdom! And so the drunken and belligerent Wes stumbled out of the phone room and seethed, "If you stick your finger up at my friends again, I'll slap the f--k out of you, okay?" I don't know what's lamer: threatening a girl, or threatening to slap a girl. I'm not condoning physical violence against anyone at all, but if you're gonna do it, why slap? Isn't that a bit wussy? Might as well go all the way with a sucker punch or maybe a one-two combo. Or better yet, just pull a rope and have an anvil fall on her head. Truth is that I say all this knowing that at any given moment, Rachel could certainly take down Wes with a mere flick of the wrist. She has been through basic training, let's not forget.

Anyway, Wes pretended to slap Rachel on the face, but apparently, after the cameras stopped rolling (doh!), Wes slapped Rachel for real. Dunh dunh DUNH! "It was hard enough to make a sound!" Rachel explained. Would this lead to Wes's banishment from The Real World? Of course not! Instead, we simply caught up with the slap-happy drunkard the next day as he struggled to piece together his bender. "I slapped Rachel?" he asked incredulously. Amazingly, this did not turn into some sappy, half-hearted epiphany about drinking à la Johanna, and I was glad for that. But at the same time, it suddenly occurred to me that we've gone nearly an entire season with these kids, and we've yet to see anything deep in Wes at all. What motivates him? Why does he care about these groupies so much? What else is there to him? What are his goals and ambitions? What's his favorite color? ANYTHING. Sadly, this seems to be a growing flaw with the franchise. Cast members simply react to the stimuli around them. They cry when they're sad. They laugh when they're happy. They gossip and complain when there's drama going down. But there's been a decreasing emphasis on taking these people to the next level -- really trying to get inside their brains. Sure, these kids talk about their issues and hang-ups, but we never really understand the motivations or roots of these problems. Danny was a fascinating character in the beginning of the season because with his mother's death, we were able to delve deeper into his personality and examine different dimensions of his life. But over the course of the summer, Danny simply became just another character on the screen -- the irritable, jealous guy -- and our interest in him waned. As for Wes, well, like I said, there was never even the faintest attempt to make him more than the 2D person we see on screen. It's almost as if we're watching really glossy, really well edited home videos.

On the plus side, these really glossy, really well edited home videos are pretty fun to tear apart, especially when people like Wes get wasted one night and don't remember anything the next day. "I don't like the drunken belligerence. It's really irritating to me because it's such a ridiculous behavior," Lacey told us. Look, just because nearly all of your roommates become petulant, surly, violent, uncontrollable, and loud when they're drunk doesn't mean that they're belligerent. Stop being so judgmental, Lacey. This is a time to learn and grow. And by "learn and grow," I mean get so wasted you wind up in jail for punching out a hot dog vendor. Sheeesh. Just go back to your corner and listen to your Enon.

Anyway, in the cruel light of morning, Wes surveyed the damage he'd done to the house. There was the pillow and the broken closet door, but most offensive of all, he had destroyed Rachel's bag of coffee beans!!! OH NO HE DI'INT!!! We then zoomed in on a Monopoly box where dozens of coffee beans were scattered helplessly, clearly having suffered the Hurricane Katrina of the coffee bean world.

"I didn't do-- you guys, honestly, just 'cause I'm drunk doesn't mean I can get blamed for that," Wes insisted as he surveyed the damage.

"Wes, I was in here. You threw that at us," Melinda countered.

"Oh, I did?" replied Wes, adding, "Still, just because I did that doesn't mean I can get blamed for doing that. GOD!"

Wes actually pulled the same defense when it came to the closet door as he said. "I don't remember doing this." WELL! Then clearly you didn't do it! Problem solved! Must have been a ghost. Oooooh. Very scary!!

Eventually Wes came to realize that he had caused a whirlwind of destruction, and finally Melinda was able to return to her Jodi Picoult book. And hey, Wes even apologized to Rachel too. As for learning anything from this experience, don't get too excited. Wes was dependably vacant with no traces of any self-reflection.

Posted by B-side on November 19, 2005 4:34 PM