Austin Powers Down, But It's A Fight To The Finish - 
by B-side
At long last, The Real World: Austin finally came to an end Tuesday night, and because we've been such troopers all season long, the kids decided to throw in one last idiotic fight for old times sake. Say what you will about this cast, but at least this finale didn't end on a whimper. It was more like a rage-filled, fist-swinging, dumb-spewing free-for-all that will only serve to tighten the resolve lawmakers have for keeping the drinking age 21. And yet, despite all the chaos, this final episode still seemed somewhat bland. I attribute that, like many of the shortcomings of this season, to the continued fascination the producers have with Danny and Melinda, who served as the bookends of this half-hour. No one cares about these two, much in the same way that no one cared about Alton and Irulan, Landon and Shavonda, or pretty much any other Real World couple (actually, I somewhat enjoyed Colin and Amaya, but that's because they were ridiculous). So anyway, let's take one last gasp of air and finish this bad boy off.
The show began where the season began: atop Mt. Bonnell. Yes, in a rare departure from their normal cuddle zone on the bed, Danny and Melinda ascended the steps to this Austin landmark, and amazingly, Danny did not try to punch a tree for looking at his girl the wrong way. Apparently Melinda had actually done some internet research on Mt. Bonnell, and according to her ace sleuthing, she found out that if you walk down the mountain steps once, you'll fall in love; if you walk down them twice, you'll get engaged; and if you walk down three times, it's inevitable that you'll be married. Yes, nothing like a staircase-based love affair. In other news, Melinda has announced that she will be walking Danny down the stairs every single day for the next three months. You gotta figure she'll at least book his love for the next three hundred years.
When they finally reached the top of the mountain, we saw a flashback to that time when they first met in the very same place. Ah, the good old days. That innocent, less annoying period that I like to call "Episode One." Back then, this season was brimming with potential. This would be the big rebound from Philly. I mean, in that premiere alone there was fighting, drunkenness, girl-on-girl action. Alas, it was all a slow decline from that point on, leading us to now where we can barely stand to watch these kids on screen. I don't know if Austin has been the worst season, but it's certainly the most disappointing.
But anyhoo, back to the mountain. The happy couple took a few pics on their disposable camera, and then we learned the big news: Melinda was gonna go back to Boston with Danny for his birthday and then get an apartment and "be all cute." And by "cute" she meant "BORING AND ANNOYING."
Back at the mansion, cardboard boxes adorned the living room as the roomies began packing up. Thank god. Get the hell out of here already. Of course, as is the tradition with these final episodes, the kids all gathered 'round to reminisce about the memories, with Wes, Johanna, and Rachel taking a nostalgic shine to that first fateful night. "Tonight we can make it all better," Johanna promised, "I won't make out with anyone, and you won't get into any fights." Hmmm... That doesn't sound ominous at all...
Oooh, packing from the perspective of the box. Artistic!
That evening, the whole gang went out to party -- even Lacey who took a break from her normal activity: gossiping about every single piece of minutia to her boyfriend Ryan. Well, seems like a nice, joyful way to end the season: everyone back together, having fun, not a shred of drama in sight. No siree. Just good times. That is, until that bitch Wren showed up. Yes, that's right. WREN. You all remember her as the apple of Wes's glazed-over-eye -- the girl who wouldn't put out for Wes until her dignity yielded to her catty jealousy of Johanna. Well, she suddenly transformed from sweet idiot to vicious, seething idiot as she full-on attacked Wes with a verbal assault. To put it simply, she wanted him to "F--K OFF!!!" Yes, Wren was pissed for no apparent reason. Could it have been that Wes was presently grinding on five or six different, unfortunate girls? Or was she simply channeling self-loathing based on the realization that she had had sex with a stumpy man-troll? Could have been both, but probably more of the latter.
"You're nothing Wes. You're NOTHING!" she yelled. Later, she elaborated, "Your roommates come up to me and tell me that you're telling lies and that they don't even believe them." Still didn't really make much sense to me, but at least now we've got something to work with. Plus, she then told Wes he was "this big" which I'll interpret was an attack on his penis size (even if it was more of a character judgment). Okay, I'll just cut to the chase. Basically, Wren was ticked off because apparently her sexual encounter with the third kind was supposed to be a quiet, intimate affair -- a secret, if you will -- and having one of the roomies fling it in her face hurt and embarrassed her. Poor Wren. Who would have thought her bedroom activities with a REALITY STAR would ever wind up out in the open?
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