Anyway, Wes further explained the situation: "I hooked up with Wren, and it was a big secret. I confided in a couple of roommates what happened and told them it was a big secret." And by "confided," he meant bragged about the whole thing like a jackass. Yes, those of you who have not yet purged the memory of last week's episode from your brain may remember that Wes had said something along the lines of, "How long do you think it will take for me to have sex with Wren? Because I ALREADY DID!!!" So as you can tell, it was most certainly a big secret. You know, the type that you keep between you and AMERICA.

Well, having been sufficiently bitched out by Wren, Wes knew there was only one way to handle the situation: redirect his guilt into a rage-filled witch hunt. The bowl-cutted one stormed out of the bar in search of Rachel and Johanna (his prime suspects!), and while Danny tried to calm him down, not even the power of a slightly askew, knitted, short-brimmed hat could do anything in this situation. At the house, Wes confronted Johanna -- who inexplicably had "I (heart) Rachel" written across her chest -- but she had no idea why Wes was flipping out. Then Rachel walked in with a steamy brat in her hand, and uh oh, this was gonna get bad. After all, we all know what happens if you get Rachel mad when she's trying to eat (must I remind you of the great Nehemiah/fajita debacle of August 30th?).

Acting sort of like the shorter, goofier, and dumber version of Chazz Palminteri in The Usual Suspects, Wes announced that he knew what Rachel had said to Wren. Of course, since what she had said to Wren was probably so slight and forgettable, Rachel had no idea what Wes was talking about, and simply asked, "Why you acting like you're PMSing?" And in case we were wondering, Melinda then piped up to say that Wes was in fact on her Midol. No, I don't understand it either.

Having had enough of this silliness, Rachel simply left the room, at which point Danny nodded and said, "It's obviously Rachel. Without a doubt, it's obviously her." WELL! Then it's settled! The knitted-cap has reached a verdict!

Remember when these hats were cool... two years ago? And on Usher, not Danny?

Wes then told us, "What Rachel did was a mistake. She needs to learn that you do not do something like that to a friend or someone that she calls a brother." And Wes clearly is the authority on how to treat a friend. Hey, remember that time last week when he slapped Rachel? Yeah, that was an awesome display of friendship.

Anyway, Wes continued to pester Rachel, who probably should have just taken the high road and ignored him, but instead, she went the Real World road and snapped, "Wren's a nice girl; so f*ck off, bitch!" I didn't really know what she meant by that, but I welcomed it. In response, Wes let out some of his finest WesLogic: "All right, FINE! In private, I f*cked Wren off-camera. Now you bring it up on camera. It's not f*cking off-camera anymore if you bring it up, you stupid [beeeeeep]!!" Hey genius, the only one who's bringing it up on camera is you. Or was you, I should say (cough, bragging last week, cough).

As the tensions escalated, Johanna and Danny tried to run interference by pulling the two feuding cast mates away from each other, but by then, a full-scale shouting match had broken out. Sounds like chaos, better check in with gossip central! Sure enough, there was Lacey on the phone with Ryan, giving the play-by-play through the fish tank. She was trying to play it cool, but you just know that on the inside she was screaming, "YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!"

Gossipgasm!

Well, just when the situation couldn't get any more ridiculous, in marched a drunk Nehemiah who had no idea what was going on, but decided to start yelling and cursing nonetheless. Keep in mind that at this point he was still out on bail for drunkenly punching the owner of "Best Wurst Bratwurst" -- home of Rachel's aforementioned brat. Anyway, with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb officially reunited, this fight escalated to pure insanity, but for some reason, we cut to the grainy Lacey cam and had to watch the action unfold all blurry and indistinct through the fishtank. Where the hell were the camera crews? WE WANT TO SEE THE FIGHT!!

Eventually, the cameras went charging back into the room (maybe the battery packs had died or something) where we found Danny wrestling Rachel onto the couch, Wes holding his hands behind his back, and Nehemiah still shouting and wanting to fight. Melinda tried to stop the fallen film student, but he shoved her away violently, bellowing to Rachel, "I'LL KILL YOU!"

Literally, Nehemiah just protested, "She threatened me!" In case you didn't notice, Neh, you're the guy wearing the muscle T. Aren't you supposed to be like, I don't know, tough?

"Nehemiah, stop it PLEASE!" cried Melinda, but it was of no use. Eventually, things somehow simmered down (an effect I like to call "sobriety"), and the fighting parties separated. Melinda and Rachel bawled themselves to the front door and then sat outside for more incomprehensible sobbing. And let me tell you something: when it comes to incomprehensible sobbing, no one beats Rachel. Moments later in an interview, Melinda then told us, "Two guys should not gang up on one girl." True, but what if the guys were short, dumb, and incredibly insecure? Is it all right then? Hmmm... Probably not.

Posted by B-side on November 25, 2005 1:28 AM