Now, I don't know exactly how this episode kicked off because my Tivo managed to snip off the first few minutes. Actually, it wasn't the Tivo's fault. MTV was a little early with it's schedule, and so by the time I pressed play, we were already reliving that wonderful fight on the final episode. We then returned to the MTV studio where a cozy audience was all lying around like this was the bestest slumber party evah! Surely they were as enrapt as we were with Danny's mystical makeover. Yes, the surly Bostonian greeted us with a shimmering new set of ultra-white veneers which beautifully contrasted his butternut-squash tan. Or should I say, "orange." That's right, ladies and gents. Danny's gone Hollywood on us, which means it'll be all the more entertaining six months from now when he realizes that no one really gives a shit about who he is. Rampant alcoholism and depression shall ensue.

"Check out my new chompahs!"

So back to the discussion at hand. What REALLY happened during that final fight. Well, Wes insisted again that the whole sex-with-Wren thing was supposed to be a secret. He had actually told Rachel about it in the shower when he wasn't mic'd and no cameras were around. Normally, that's called gossiping. But hey, this is The Real World not the real world.

Wes then explained how his tender little heart felt once Rachel blabbed to Wren: "The number one word I felt was 'betrayed.'" He felt a word? I didn't know that was possible.

Rachel then apologized and said she had a big mouth (insert snack food joke here), and then Wes said everything was cool, and then Lacey cut through all the bullshit and scoffed, "I don't understand why she [Wren] cared. Wren works at Hooters. It's not like she's an Amish respectful church-goer." Wha-whaaa? Wren works at Hooters. Okay, she's officially an idiot. You don't hook up with someone on a REALITY SHOW and then complain when word gets out. And you especially don't complain when you spend all night shaking your ass for horny guys at Hooters. Shut up, WREN!

As for the whole Nehemiah/Rachel thing, Lacey then noted, "Nehemiah knows just what to say to make her crawl under the foozball table and have a seizure." Now that I would like to see! I mean, we already missed her launch into the basketball net. Well, a contrite Nehemiah offered up a somewhat lame excuse for his actions, saying that the only reason why he pushes Rachel's buttons so much is because it's easy and deep down he loves her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You already shot all your cool cred, Neh. You'll have to do something absolutely amazing for us to embrace you again...

Then, sort of out of nowhere, Wes then asked, "On a scale of one to ten, how much do you like me right now, Rachel?" Wow, that was awkwardly confrontational. Rachel simply shrugged and said, "8?" Funny story: a friend of mine was once on Blind Date. She was making a total ass of herself, and at one point, she told her date, "When I first saw you, I thought you were an 8. What did you think of me?" To which the guy gave her a semi-digusted look and replied, "7." Point is, never ask people how they would rank you because let's face it, no one's gonna be happy with less than a 9.

Next we moved onto the Real World: Austin police montage, but not before Suzie made a WONDERFUL joke about how the cops were the unofficial eighth cast member of the season. Oh Suzie! You are incorrigible! Well, Nehemiah informed us that all the charges from his bratwurst brawl have been dropped, and when the audience merely smiled a congratulation, the pugilistic sausage fiend implored them to "Give it up, everybody!!" YEAH! You got your assault charges dropped because you're on MTV!! Wooo hooo!!!

As for Johanna, she learned a valuable lesson from her ordeal: "Don't steal from bums." Yes, Johanna made a funny, and you know what? I'm gonna give it to her. It was chuckle-worthy -- even if she has been using the same line for the past few months on college tours. Well, never one to be shunned into the corner, Danny proved that he had the chops to be the last comic standing. "By the end of the whole duration there, we had the cops and the hospital on speed dial," he guffawed. Amazingly enough, this sent Suzie into a rapturous fit of giggles, leaving me to question just how much she deserves to share the stage with such luminaries as Quddus, Damien, and of course, La La. Suzie LOVES Danny's jokes!

Suzie and Weird Al Yankovic go to the same barber.

Posted by B-side on December 3, 2005 8:44 PM