Anyway, the show started off with a montage of audition tapes. Since my Tivo cut off the first few, I had no idea what was going on. Whatever -- who cares about audition tapes. Let's just get to the show. Moments later, we then saw the new opening credits, which featured many, many girls in bikinis, signifying that It was time to stop being polite and start getting shaved.

The show then began in earnest with an image that made my stomach turn instantly. It was two lovers, sharing a long and passionate kiss in the airport. The sort of kiss that seemed to say "I'll love you forever... but I might cheat on you and call you drunkenly to apologize. Multiple times." Yes, meet Svetlana, a nineteen year old vamp who was parting with her longtime boyfriend, Martin. I already hated these two off the bat, only because by placing them at the top of the show, the implication was that their relationship might be the source of many lame romantic entanglements. And romantic entanglements lead to endless scenes of crying on the telephone. And as many readers know, I hate endless scenes of crying on the telephone.

We then met Paula, who sort of looked like a skinny version of Chicago's Tonya. She had some big news to share with us: "I recently became kinda, little bit bulimic." Isn't that like saying you're "kinda, little bit pregnant?" Nevertheless, this was going to be major trouble. My prediction: take Cara from Chicago (remember when Chris pinched her waist?), mix in some Sarah from Philly, and you've got the recipe for one tragic trainwreck.

Next up was Tyler, the resident gay guy, who proudly announced "People either love me or hate me." I suppose we'll find out soon enough where we fall on that spectrum, but for now, let's move on. And who was the next eager soul wishing to bare all on national TV? Why, her name was Janelle, and she would be playing the role of "Angry Bitch" this season. To her credit, she didn't really do anything terribly bitchy or angry in her little interview, but when someone describes themselves as having a "strong personality," that's basically just code for "Whoever the hell ate my peanut butter better get their scrawny ass down here and show their face!" Other fun facts about Janelle: she was half black, half white, and she worked at a MAC makeup store in some mall. I'm sensing a strong Shavonda vibe here. Make it go away. Make it go away!

Hey, did somebody order a hot plate of wacky? Because that's what we got next with John, this season's lovable but goofy frat boy. We met him here giving a tissue to a blowup doll. Need I really say more? Then there was Zach, a goody-two-shoes with an affinity for tennis and doing the "college thing." He seemed pretty chill and down to Earth -- the yin to John's talkative yang. What he lacked in blowup dolls he gained in a lopsided bushel of hair atop his head. And lastly, we met Jose, an affable Latino guy who kindly filled us in on what exactly Key West was after all: "It's a small island, and they've been hit by some hurricanes, and they're always going away for some hurricanes, and that's about it." Hurricanes? Funny you should mention...

Cut to dramatic title card: "This season of The Real World starts during the most devastating hurricane season ever." Dunh Dunh DUNH!!!

Cut to generic footage of Hurricane Katrina ravaging the poor, little island. Flooded streets! Bent trees! Airborne debris!!! Everyone surely was in danger!! Well, kind of. The cast hadn't actually moved into the house yet. Instead, they were all holed up in different hotel rooms. Paula was stuck in a Marriot in Miami (she's a real survivor, she is) while Tyler had to make do in a random "shanty hut." And before you even ask, the answer is yes, this experience profoundly moved him. In his journal, he wrote, "I find it more than ironic that I'd be chosen for the most luxurious show only to be ultimately marooned on an island with no food or electricity." Ironic indeed! One might call that living... in the real world.

Posted by B-side on March 4, 2006 7:05 PM