But enough with all these serious issues. These people need to be getting drunk, STAT! And so we moved ahead to later that night as everyone prepared to go out. Just another exciting jaunt to the club. But wait, this wasn't the typical foray into the Key West bar scene. That night, everyone would be going to a gay club for Studio 54 night. Might this be a recipe for drama? Well, judging by the rumbling thunder outside the house, I'd say yes. Sure enough, there was resistance to the gay club, but not by John or Jose or Zach. It was Svetlana who had the most apprehension.

"I'm just picturing like really young boys hooking up with older men," she explained. Sounds like someone's been spending too much time at the NAMBLA website. Nevertheless, Svetlana was totally unhinged as she announced, "I will vomit." Uh, maybe you don't want to say that in front of Paula.

Well, Tyler joined the conversation and asked Svetty to express what was really bothering her. She responded with a convoluted answer that had something to do with young boys who didn't know if they were gay flocking to the club and... oh, I don't know. From what I could discern, she was just afraid she'd see a lot of impressionable youths being lured into a lifestyle of hedonism and sodomy. And she just wanted to protect them, dammit! "That's very caring of you," Tyler said. Hey, what happened to Breakfast Tyler? The guy who practically sucker punched Svetlana every time she said something naive or misguided? Anyway, Svetlana got over her issues (honestly, she could have just said that she was underage and solved the whole thing), and everyone headed out.

"Cheers to good friends and good times! Now, let's start bickering!!"

At the (empty-ish) club, the group encountered some sort of drag show which resulted in John winding up on stage with his shirt unbuttoned. A few drinks and ass-smackings later, John decided he was ready for another bar, and so he and the guys left, causing the other roommates to follow suit. This predictably annoyed Tyler, especially when they all wound up at an Irish Pub. So then he and Janelle hightailed it back to the gay bar, complaining that they ever had to leave in the first place. It made sense for them to go back. After all, he was gay, and she sort of looked like a man in drag. Then next thing you know, Zach was talking about how he wanted to go back to the gay bar because he wanted to dance (swishy swishy!), and I couldn't help thinking that as petty as this entire controversy was, at least there was some strange universal element to it. I mean, how often have you been out with a group of friends and then everyone splinters off and people get mad and then blah blah blah it becomes a whole big, stupid deal? Truthfully, I'd rather see the roommates kvetch about this junk than the ridiculous antics from Austin (Wes and the groupie drawer, anyone?). All in all, everyone wound up in the bar and club they wanted to be in, so that should be the end of that, right? Not so much.

Believe it or not, this is actually at the Hallmark Store. Key West is a crazy place, man...

"OMG!! I'M POINTING INDISCRIMINATELY AT SOMETHING!!! OMG!!!"

Later that night, everyone wound up in the backyard, playing in the pool and whatnot, when Tyler and John got into a little squabble. Tyler was mad that John had left the gay bar and taken everyone with him. John, meanwhile, was mad that he had put in the effort to hang out in Tyler's bar whereas Tyler had only stayed like one minute in John's bar. Commence the eye rolling now, America. Well, ultimately, John did what he seems to do best, go for the low blow: "I'm so glad everyone convinced me to hang out with homos tonight and not my own peeps. It's fine dude." Great. Everyone buckle your seatbelts. Time for another classic Real World fight.

Amazingly, Tyler didn't explode at John. Sure, he got mad, but he kept his composure. Then again, he really didn't have time to get that crazy because in an effort to diffuse the tension, John grabbed Tyler's legs and knocked him into the pool. Yay! Awkward resolution!

We then cut to commercial, and when we returned, the argument was actually still going on, but now Tyler had his shirt off and was squaring off with John in the pool. The rest of the roommates, meanwhile, were all lounging around, quietly watching and snacking on chips and guacamole. It was like they were us at home, except getting to watch the show live.

"No. I'm the shark and you're the minnow."

Anyway, after Tyler and John had babbled on long enough, Janelle finally rose up and talked some sense into the boys, saying that the evening wasn't about gay or straight. It was about the group going one place for someone and then backing out. This caused John to have a moment of clarity (as much as someone like John can have a moment of clarity), and he announced, "People like different things... he likes one place; I like a different place." Sadly, he did not then quote Donald Trump, who famously spoke, "That's why they have menus in restaurants, you know? I like steak, somebody else likes spaghetti. That's why they have menus in restaurants. It's a great world."

Jose: nonstop excitement.

I think somebody just peed in the jacuzzi!

Posted by B-side on March 13, 2006 2:10 AM