Meanwhile, the tanning salon was now ready to enter its next phase: carpeting. The clan got a great, big swath of carpeting, but they had to measure out the proper amount they needed. So what did they do? They rolled out the carpet in the middle of the street. Yes, they stopped traffic to cut a carpet. Great idea, John. Wasn't there any other open space they could have used? A park? A playground? A driveway? At one point, a peeved motorcyclist simply drove over the carpet and went on his merry way while the roomies balked and complained about the tire mark left behind. I say more power to the motorcycle. I would have driven over that carpet in an 18-wheeler if I could have.

Dumb.

After this carpet fiasco passed, we then returned to more Svetlana/Zach bickering over the manager position, but tensions were momentarily quelled when Ricky gave away two T-Mobile Sidekick II's. Oooh! Would they be receiving clues from TJ Lavin? Might they be engaging in "Name That Coconut" later that afternoon? Sadly, no. The phones were merely so the group could stay in touch. And, well, to promote the T-Mobile Sidekick II.

That night, sweet, bland Jose sad with Tyler on the dock, and the two talked about their lives. Well, actually, more like Tyler talked about his life. He said that he wears his pretensions because he's earned them. Congratulations. Here's one pretension you haven't earned: the value of modesty and tact. Of course, what Tyler probably doesn't realize is that his proud showiness and smug superiority are the same motivational forces that cause nouveau riche women to don gaudy jewelry and giant fur coats. And those are the same women that Tyler often accuses Svetlana of being. So you see, Tyler and Svet are actually quite similar, aren't they? Try that one on for size, Tyler.

The next morning, we found Tyler in his speedo. He was moving on from the swim team to triathlons, but oops, he didn't have a bike; so he just settled for the lame ass biathlon. Well, since he's won countless state championships, Tyler had no problem schooling everyone with the swimming portion of the event, earning himself a little trophy. "You do good things, and we turn into idiots," Paula said of the win later. Oh, come now, Paula. You guys aren't turning into idiots. It's more like you're all just exploring different dimensions of your pre-existing idiot states.

Nevertheless, Tyler had an appropriately friendly response: "See, that's what I like. Let's keep it that way. This way I can point and laugh." You know, it was a dick thing to say, but how can I really put him down for it? After all, aren't I basically sitting here pointing and laughing myself? Damn you, Tyler. Why must you always say something cleverly incisive when I'm trying to paint you as a two-dimensional, cocky, drama queen!

Hey -- remember that Sunday dinner? Guess what? It was Sunday! Time for the dinner! Yay! Ricky's coming! Ricky's coming! Somebody get a piñata! And you can fill it with Mystic Tan chemicals. This way, when you bash it open, it explodes and you get a tan! Genius!

Anyway, in preparation for what was surely going to be a feast of drama, the house descended into cooking madness, especially when Svetlana attempted to take over the entire kitchen. I know she was trying to prove that she could be responsible and in control, but all she did was isolate her roommates and piss them off. "Seriously, Fitz. You turn into a Nazi with this stuff," Zach said. Let the dirty campaigning begin:

(cue patriotic music)

"Why should Zach be manager of the tanning salon? Because he doesn't turn into a Nazi with this stuff. Vote Zach!"

By the way, Svetlana may have been a madwoman, but her chicken looked really good. MTV should really post that recipe.

I really want to eat this.

Well, Ricky eventually came by, and the group all sat down to their makeshift banquet, which featured more food than a packed night at Medieval Times. It was sort of like the anti-Paula meal. Hey, remember when she had an eating disorder? Whatever happened to that? Good times.

After everyone had finished chowing down on their apple and honey chicken, it was time to figure out who would be doing what at the business. Everyone began casually volunteering for positions as if they were picking Monopoly pieces. "I'll be the vice president," Janelle offered. Oh, okay! Let's just all arbitrarily choose names and titles!

Everything was going smoothly until the expected showdown over the manager position. Svetlana wanted to know what exactly the job would entail, and Ricky explained it thoroughly: "If you're going to be a manager, you're managing." He then added, "Similarly, Janelle, as vice-president, you'll be vice-presidenting."

Well, the big debate raged on and on. Most people wanted Zach as manager because he seemed more mature and responsible. But then again, Svetlana did have experience. In a weird way, I did feel badly for Svetlana because she was being brushed off rather hastily, but then again, her entire demeanor through this process has kind shown why she wouldn't be a great choice as manager. I personally didn't know why she was so attached to this position. I mean, seriously. Just drop it already. Everyone wants Zach.

Posted by B-side on April 2, 2006 8:23 PM