The episode opened up with Zach doing his bestest job to write his Fisher Price Mission Statement. He had a whopping five goals to achieve as manager, and each was more idealistic than the next.

1) "Teamwork over individual effort." (He knows this is The Real World, right?)
2) "Accountability for each member of the team." (good luck with that, buddy).
3) "Positive energy within the store at all times, negativity will not be tolerated." (Isn't it negative to say that negativity will not be tolerated? And furthermore, isn't this COMPLETELY unrealistic?)
4) "A well-educated staff on the product." (Edumacation + Real World cast = better chance of finding a unicorn.)
5) "Always seek for a way to make today better than yesterday." (Let's start by dropping the annoying, corporate-speak motivational bullet-points.)

Where's item #6: "ACT LIKE IDIOTS"?

Well, this was all fine and dandy for Zach; although, we knew he was going to be in for a world of hurt when he'd eventually realize that his team would be absolutely incapable of achieving any of these goals. Still, that didn't stop him from giving himself his own little pep-talk, conveniently in awkward third person. "Zach IS the best choice to be manager. Zach is not just an alternate choice to fit," Zach said. He then added, "Zach sometimes feels like crying in the corner, but Zach knows he can't. Zach is manager. Zach is good. All hail Zach!"

One person not happy with the whole Zach situation was Svet-"Fitz"-Lana, who was now pawning off her random awning-procuring obligations on the new manager. When asked why she couldn't make calls to the vendors, she tersely replied that she had other things to do. You know, like pout. And huff. And look sad. Just general stuff like that.

Later, Zach told his roommies that he wanted to put steel drums outside for the big opening day event, but almost immediately, Svetlana shot the plan down. She didn't have time to call awning vendors, but luckily, she had time to bicker about steel drums. The two squabbled about the steel drums, with Svetty noting that outdoor music requires permits and whatnot. Nuh-uh! Homeless men can play instruments on the street, reasoned Zach. Another funny thing about homeless men: they're HOMELESS.

At the salon, Mystic Tanning guru Ricky wanted to begin the interior design phase of the business. "Who's in charge of the furniture shopping list?" he asked. This was then followed by awkward silence as everyone kind of looked around confusedly. Pssst! Zach! That's you.

Anyway, Zach did finally realize that as manager he was supposed to, you know, manage things. The gang headed off to Pier 1 to purchase furniture and candles and whatever else Kirstie Alley had left in her wake. Unfortunately, Zach was a total indecisive mess, and the entire trip devolved into chaos. No one could decide on any furniture, and even worse, the roommies all turned into a roaming pack of butterfingers as nearly every knickknack and candelabra seem to fall and break in their presence. Had they never been in a Pier 1 before? Rule 1 of Pier 1: DON'T DROP SHIT.

As the chaos continued on, I personally became embarrassed for the group. "We are unable to make decisions on anything," Zach said. Man, if only there were a manager. Oh wait...

Finally, after it became obvious that these fools were completely useless without direction, Ricky stepped in and said, "Don't take this wrong, anybody, okay? But let's just delegate some tasks maybe. Like rugs. Paula, do rugs. You want to do rugs?" I like how he commands her to do rugs and then asks her if she wants to do it, as if she really had a choice. YOU MUST LOVE RUGS, PAULA. For Ricky's sake, he better hope she likes rugs. Otherwise, next thing you know, she'll be hyperventilating and throwing up in aisle six.

After Ricky's intervention, the roommies suddenly managed to get their act together, and no one was happier than Tyler. "Zach and I bounce ideas off each other, and it's FUN!" he told us, adding, "Interior design IS fun!" He's been out of the closet all these years, and he just had this epiphany? Someone should revoke his card.

Well, not everyone was having as much FUN as Tyler. That's right, Svetlana was being the party pooper again. As the gang moved all the new junk into the salon, she moped around with her sad, open eyes and finally just left the place with Paula in tow. Of course, no one really cared. Everyone was having too much damn FUN decorating.

The remaining roommates then slaved all day, ultimately putting together a decent looking salon. They were all so proud, especially Tyler. "I'll be honest," he said, "I'm a little impressed with myself today." Of course, Tyler says that to himself EVERY day.

Posted by B-side on April 10, 2006 12:37 PM