With the Tyler fiasco behind us, we could focus on other fun things: namely, Paula. We went right back to the club that night where Paula was chatting with her ambiguously gay friend Alex. I couldn't help but wonder if maybe another drink would be thrown. Two in one show would certainly be spectacular, especially if one of them wound up on camera for once. Anyway, Paula, Alex, and Svetlana were all sitting at the bar together. Alex and Fitz decided to talk about how awesome Paula was, and then suddenly, Svetty announced that she just couldn't compete with Paula's beauty, so she was going to step away. It was kind of her friendly way of leaving the two possibly lovebirds (depending on that whole gay thing -- on both their parts) alone, but nothing's ever that easy with Paula. As Svetlana went off and danced with some guys, Paula shot daggers at her and then told us, "Svetlana's the type of girl who wants to be the center of attention and wants to be the only girl that every guy likes." Well, it wouldn't be an episode of The Real World: Key West without a transparently jealous rant from Paula. We'll just pretend to ignore that it's in fact Paula who flips out when she doesn't get the proper attention at a bar. Luckily, this evening, she had plenty of attention, courtesy of Alex. He doted on her as she began to cry right there in the bar. Yes, she was crying. Over literally nothing. All that had happened was that Svetlana had walked away and danced with girls.

"You think that I like Svetlana just because she is prettier than you are?" Alex then asked. Uh, that's probably not the right thing to say to Paula. Oh wait, it was just a hypothetical question. Alex then made good by saying, "You are 10 times more gorgeous than she is and have 100 times more personality." Of course, what Paula heard was "You are the ugliest girl here, you stupid ugly girl."

Paula then said, "People look at Svetlana and are like 'Oh my god.' And I'm second best." But seriously, it's Svetlana who has the problem wanting to be the girl that all the guys like. I did feel badly for Paula. I mean, she was so consumed with this jealousy, she was incapable of hearing Alex say why she was so much better than Svetlana. Then again, maybe that's also because Alex kept calling her "Lana," not "Svetlana." I think it's time for Alex to just go away now.

Later, Paula confided in Alex that her ex-boyfriend / perfect gentleman Keith beat her up so badly, she had to go to the hospital. And speak of the devil, over in the hotel, Mr. Keith called up to speak with Paula. God, STALKER! Luckily, by this time, Svetlana was already back in the room, and she quickly cockblocked Keith's call away from Paula. I'm just waiting for the day when Svetlana answers Keith's call drunk and tells him off. That will actually be pretty sweet. If it happens. Then again, it just means forty more lashings for Paula when she gets out of the house. I hate Keith.

Paula then returned to the suite acting perfectly normal -- as if she hadn't just had a tearful, jealous meltdown of insecurity. No problems here! Just smiles and sweetness! Ah, the wonders of repression. Meanwhile, she then talked to us about Keith, saying, "He is my problem, but he helps make me happy and get me back to a good place." Uh, Paula, the hospital is not a good place. Luckily, she did concede, "Unfortunately, he's the reason I'm in a bad place." Hmmm... Maybe if you stay away from him, he won't put you in a bad place that he then needs to take you out of. You know what that's called? An abusive relationship. And how do you know when you're in an abusive relationship? When your boyfriend puts you in the hospital... LIKE KEITH DID.

Well, showing all sorts of restraint and class, Alex then gossiped to the roommates about Paula, revealing that Keith had once put her in the hospital. And by the way, what did Jose do when he learned this? He laughed! What the? He must not have been listening. Maybe he was distracted by the random, unexplained hoochie hanging off his arm. Who was that?

Anyway, time for an epiphany. Paula suddenly realized that she has been trying to protect every woman from men for fear that they might go through what she's gone through. Hence her flagrant cockblockage of John. Well done, Paula. I'm sure Dr. Phil would be proud of your pop-psych analysis.

The next morning, the kids all packed up (and in the case of Tyler, walked around naked) and returned to Key West. The streets were sort of messy and whatnot, but overall, everything seemed intact. As they walked in the front door, one of them flicked the light switch, but nothing happened! OH MY GOD! "Where are the lights?" someone asked. Clearly, the concept of a blackout was a bit more than they could handle.

Posted by B-side on April 27, 2006 5:10 PM