This week's episode began on a light note. Or rather, a tan note. Johnny Bananas volunteered himself to be the house's Mystic Tan guinea pig. I didn't know why he was acting like this was some big deal. It's not like he was being launched into orbit with the world's first ever popsicle stick space ship. Mystic Tan is a tried and true process. Just ask Charlize Theron.

Anyway, before John subjected himself to the dyes and pigments that would soon turn him a lovely shade of pumpkin orange, tanning salon overlord Ricky insisted that he watch an instructional video first. The guys popped in a tape or DVD or whatever (sorry, I wasn't paying close attention to the media storage) and immediately, a happy instructor said, "Welcome to Mystic Tan." I was highly amused by this presentation, only because it reminded me of those dumb videos amusement parks show before a roller coaster. And I think if there's anything we can agree on, it's that getting a Mystic Tan is an adrenaline-pumping experience. You know, I've never actually gotten a Mystic Tan before. I'll have to put that on the list of stupid TVgasm things to do (right behind eating the P'Eatzza).

Well, after learning about all the various complexities and nuances of the Mystic Tan experience, John finally stepped into the booth and took one step closer to being the Long Island dude we knew he could always be. Just add two gallons of mousse and a hefty smattering of cologne, and he'd be ready for Syosset! That is, assuming he actually survived inhaling all those Mystic Tan chemicals. Turns out that in John's excitement, he forgot to close his mouth, which meant all that nasty-ass junk went right into his mouth. I'm sure he'll be fine; although, he's probably going to feel like he just huffed White-Out for the next eight hours.

We then were treated to some blurred-out nudity, thanks to John, and later, he showed off his butternut-squash hues to his roommies, going so far as to bare his ass. Janelle was not happy to see that, but then again, I've yet to see much she is happy about. Anyway, the gang then went out that night to hit the bars and promote the tanning salon, which, by the way, was opening the next day. That really snuck up on us. Zach babbled on to us about how their market was perfect for the salon, and I couldn't help but disagree. All those cloudy, dreary days in Key West will surely have the locals scrambling to the tanning booths en masse!

Anyway, the kids all showed up at the salon for work, and, um, wasn't there supposed to be a big opening day extravaganza? Something about a marching band coming by? Well, if it was excitement you wanted, it was excitement you got. For the big day, Zach put out a cardboard sign on which someone had written, "We're Open." And that was it. Wow! I think he's got a future in event planning! Move over Colin Cowie. There's a new star in town!

Well, despite the intense allure of a cardboard sign propped up outside, no one really came into the shop. I couldn't understand why not. I mean, Zach said it was the perfect market. Could it be that he was wrong? Nevertheless, John had spent so much time promoting at the bar last night that he was dead tired. He could hardly stay awake. So he did what any reasonable employee would do on the first day of being in business: he took a nap in the closet. To be fair, it wasn't that big of a deal. The foot traffic was beyond slow, but that didn't stop Paula from harboring quiet resentments. She was super pissed about the situation -- almost unreasonably so. "I think something's wrong with John for thinking that's okay, and b) something's wrong with Zach for letting that be okay, and c) something's wrong with everybody else for thinking it's funny because it's not funny!" Paula complained to us. Maybe she'd be more accepting if John beat her before taking his nap. Oh, that was mean! Sorry Keith!

While Paula stewed in her anger (and by "stewed," I mean "suppressed in a dark place until it could come out at a later, drunker time"), the tanning salon received great news: its first customer was en route! Yay! Someone in Key West finally wants to be on MTV! I never thought it would take so long for the fame-seekers to arrive (meanwhile, if I were down there, I'd totally be there the moment the doors opened). Soon, all sorts of locals were popping in. It wasn't what I'd call a deluge of customers (a trickle would be overstating it), but nevertheless, there was activity. "Seeing money go into a machine and gaining all the fruits of our labor is a really exciting time for all of us," Zach said. Yes, nothing more exciting than seeing money go into a machine. You should see Zach around a vending machine. Every time he inserts a dollar, it's like he's going skydiving.

Posted by B-side on May 20, 2006 9:20 PM