By the end of the day, Zach announced to Ricky on the phone that the salon had raked in a whopping $752. Wow. Does anyone else have dollar signs in their eyes? Given that each tan costs roughly $40, that meant that about eighteen people stopped by. Pretty impressive, guys! Looks like we've got the start of a multi-million dollar enterprise!

Zach then revealed that the gang would be going out to celebrate that night, and before hanging up on Sir Ricky, he added, "We miss ya and wish you safe travels." Hey -- why so lovey-dovey with Ricky? Is he like the universal house boyfriend? Nevertheless, Ricky was a lucky man because had he gone out to celebrate with the gang, he would have been in for quite the adventure. The sort of adventure that only a drunken, anorexic girl with massive insecurities could bring on. Yes, with the music turning mischievous, we knew something was about to go down (the promos on MTV also clued us in). Sure enough, we found Paula drinking a beer -- always a bad sign. Next thing we knew, she was running through the streets, her voice lilting higher and higher into that "bad little girl" range that we love so much.

The gang then all climbed into the SUV to go home, and at first, all seemed well. "I'm sitting next to you Ty-Ty," Paula squeaked as she stepped in the vehicle. She seemed happy enough, but then again, that means nothing when it comes to Paula Walnuts. She could see a housefly and suddenly her mood would rapidly turn belligerent. I could just imagine it: "You think you're special, fly? Just because you can fly all around? Well, kiss my ASS!!!"

Anyway, Tyler soon came on the screen and commented, "Paula's drunk again. I sit back and fasten my seatbelt because I know it's gonna be a great ride." That, my friends, was essentially the equivalent of the roller coaster clanking its way to the top of the incline. As soon as Tyler stopped talking, we suddenly inched by the crest, and before we knew it, we were dropping 215 feet at 85 mph. Hold on tight!

"Um, Johnny, he has a size six shoe," Paula drunkenly slurred, again returning to her favorite fixation: John's penis size. She harped on it over and over again -- like usual -- but John resolved to rise above the fray. Not say anything. But Paula continued.

"Anyone who goes to work and sleeps? Kiss my goddamn ass!" she yelled. I didn't know why she decided to attack John about this right now, but you can never underestimate the power of a crazy girl and alcohol. John tried to completely force her out of his mind by sticking his head out the window, but sadly, this genius strategy failed. I personally was hoping some random thing would splatter on his face -- like a moth or a bird or a pie -- but it never happened. You gotta admit, it would have been the perfect time for a pie in the face.

Nevertheless, Paula's rant was not over. "I wear children's shoes. My name is Johnny Bananas. I have a small weiner. My dick is the size of a walnut," she said (I think. Some of the beeps were hard to decipher). Knowing that when John's pushed to the edge he can release a torrent of hurtful comments, you'd think the roommates would tell Paula to settle down and be quiet. But instead they all sort of laughed, afraid that if they stood up to Paula, she'd refocus her anger on them. Sure enough, John could only take so much bullying. He snapped and called Paula "Mosquito bites" (in reference to her not-so-buxom bosom) and then mocked, "I'm sick. My waist is six inches around, and I pick my scabs because they don't heal, dude," he said. Uh oh. This was gonna get messy. Was it bad that I was laughing? Yes, I've decided it was bad. But still, it was pretty damn funny -- in an awful, politically incorrect way.

Anyway, now that he'd certainly gotten everyone's attention, John continued, "'I'm fuckin' twenty-four, but I have a three-year-old fuckin' scab because I won't let it heal.' Continue, dude! 'I haven't eaten for a fuckin' week.' Continue Paula! Fuck!"

And then awkward silence.

I mean awkward silence.

Everyone in the car just shut up and stared forward, hoping that they'd be able to just disappear. Meanwhile, a solitary tear appeared in Paula's eye as she too sat stunned and silently. The word "uncomfortable" doesn't do justice to this moment. It was painful. As we listened to the monotonous sound of the car driving on the highway, we headed to commercial, thankfully giving us a reason to stop cringing. You know, Paula's therapist should be psyched. John just single-handedly necessitated about five more sessions.

After the break, we returned to the SUV, which was now pulling into the driveway. John stepped out of the car to open the gate, and as he left, Paula returned from her state of shock to taunt him about his penis size even more. Finally, Zach decided to step up (too little too late, as usual) and say "Paula. Paula, you're not helping yourself." Hey, how about you tell her that BEFORE she escalates the situation out of control.

Well, Paula was not happy with Zach's reprimand, and soon she was employing a little of the old KMGA: Kiss My Goddamn Ass! "Oh, kiss my goddamn ass because everyone kisses HIS ass!" she yell-sobbed. She then made sure everyone felt her drunken wrath by pointing at her roommates and saying, "Everyone can kiss my ass! You! You! You! You!" When Svetlana objected, Paula quickly retracted her "You!" and sweetly said, "Well, not you!" In short: it was absolutely hilarious.

Posted by B-side on May 20, 2006 9:20 PM