Gone With The Wind: Hurricane Paula Strikes Ft. Lauderdale! - 
by B-side
There are three things you can always expect on The Real World: Key West: drunken partying, disruptive hurricanes, and, of course, screaming fits from Paula Walnuts. This week's episode was no exception as the kids fled to Ft. Lauderdale where they were supposedly safe from Hurricane Wilma, but it turned out Mother Nature was more of a fame-whore than we'd expected. The storm made quite the televised showing, and we, the viewers, were able to see the alleged "courage" of the roommates that MTV had been promising all week. And let's face it: walking down a dark stairwell is certainly the pinnacle of bravery. When the roommates weren't earning Purple Hearts for Hurricane Heroism, they were dealing with Paula, who had one of her crazy breakdowns again. Pardon me -- I didn't mean "crazy." I meant "rationally challenged." You see, Paula kind of doesn't like it when people call her crazy, something Tyler learned the hard way. Yes, it was quite the stormy episode. Fun for the whole family!
The big show opened up with what else? Storm clouds! Get it? It's a visual metaphor -- works both literally and figuratively. Gosh, I love the layers. For those of you who haven't been paying attention to the show (and you should be because it's way better than Austin, but that's just me), the kids were just about to ride through Key West on a nifty float for Fantasy Fest (some Key Westian celebration that draws the masses) when pesky Hurricane Wilma showed up to ruin everything. Yes, all hopes for Mystic Tan-sponsored bacchanalia were dashed by the storm, which was now threatening to destroy everything in its wake (Insert Fred Flintstone yelling "WIIILLMMAAA!!!"). As a result, the residents of Key West were served with a mandatory evacuation notice, and faster than you could say "There's A Storm A-Comin'!", the roomies were packing up and getting ready for a trip to Ft. Lauderdale. While it may all have seemed like fun and games to us at home, let it be known that the portent of this hurricane was not lost on the roommates, especially Zach.
"This is already a very big deal," he said. But the real question remained: was it as big a deal as... RED GOD?!?!
RED GOD!!! RAHH!!!!
Anyway, as everyone storm-proofed the house, Paula called up Keith, who, as you may or may not remember, was supposed to be visiting that weekend. She told him that they were being evacuated to Ft. Lauderdale, causing him to exclaim, "You're going to FT. LAUDERDALE???" He then added, "I will BEAT you for saying that!!" Actually, no, Keith had no pugilistic intents. Instead, it turned out that he was going to be in the Ft. Lauderdale area too, but still, that wasn't of much solace to Paula, who wanted to spend a whole weekend with him in Key West.
"During the one time that Keith is gonna visit, a hurricane's gonna come. Of course," she said, adding, "Hey unfortunate coincidences: KISS MY ASS! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS!!!"
Anyway, Keith explained how he would be driving from Louisiana to Florida, despite Wilma's impending landfall. "Don't worry," he said, "No storm is going to stop me." Keith then added, "Because I will BEAT Wilma like the worthless woman she is. I will BEAT her!"
Later on, the kids all grabbed their bags and headed out to the car. Tyler complained about John bringing his guitar, saying that they'd already be pressed for space. He did make a good point. After all, he wasn't bringing Red God along, and we all know how important that piece of art is. Nevertheless, John brought his guitar anyway, and soon, the whole gang was on the road, driving to the allegedly safer pastures of Ft. Lauderdale. I'm still not sure at what point Southern Florida became known as a refuge from hurricanes, but I was willing to go along with it.
We then caught a glimpse of the scintillating conversation in the SUV, which featured Paula talking about how she could have as much sex as she wanted now. This prompted Tyler to tell us, "Paula and Keith are one big trailer park tragedy. There is nothing healthy about their relationship." I beg your pardon, Mr. Tyler. Everyone knows that the healthiest relationships involve drinking, fighting, and going to the hospital. Oh, and then apologetic gifts afterwards. Of course, since this was Tyler, he then managed to blame everything on Svetlana. "When Svetlana's gone," he said, "Paula's a really fun, great person. But when Svetlana's around Paula, she kind of pollutes her." Other things Svetlana's to blame for: global warming, 9/11, and the fall of Rome.
Nevertheless, the kids continued to trek on towards Ft. Lauderdale, and I couldn't help but notice how there was no one else out on the road. Either the producers were re-using old driving footage, or the people of Key West really didn't care about saving themselves. I guess Fantasy Fest really will go on, come rain or shine (or massive hurricane).
Well, the gang finally arrived at their hotel (yay!) and checked in (yay!) and walked into their spacious, two-story room (double yay!). Looks like they sure dodged that hurricane! And no one could be more confident of that than John, who said, "In Ft. Lauderdale, we're in a hotel that will probably not lose power that I'm sure will be safer than if we were in Key West." Clearly he hadn't seen the previews for this week's show yet...
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