Some People Just Don't Like Chocolate Syrup - 
by B-side
It's that time of the year again! You know what I'm talking about. That sacred time when the faint aroma of alcohol and bodily fluids waft from the television like the tantalizing song of the soul-crushing Siren. Yes, MTV is back with another dose of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge; this time titled, The Gauntlet II. As usual, our boisterous gaggle of Bunim/Murray alumni return with that intoxicating mixture of vanity, silliness, and drunken stupidity, and we are only too happy to lap it all up. MTV was kind enough to furnish TVgasm with advance screeners of the first two episodes, and after having watched the first tape, I'm happy to report that the bizarre and ridiculous behavior is back at mock-worthy levels. Sadly, our favorite bitches Coral, Veronica, Tina, Rachel, and Tanya are nowhere to be found (WTF??), but maybe that's because they're kickstarting their highly lucrative careers as... uh... well, I'm sure they're doing something. So without further ado, let's hop aboard the S.S. Beer Bong and sail the mighty seas of The Gauntlet II. ARGGGH!!
In case you couldn't tell by my nifty onimonipooea, this season's theme is "pirate," which is a nice variation from previous season's themes of "cowboy," "Hell," and "syphilis." As the show opened, Robin was already bursting with excitement, saying how awesome the challenge was. Granted, at this point, she'd only been on the chartered bus for about five minutes, but seriously, that was one totally awesome bus man! YAY AWESOME BUS!!!
We then met up with aspiring alcoholic Derrick from Road Rules: Extreme (extreme, dude!) who asked, "You wanna see drive? You wanna see determination? You wanna see motivation?" He's not talking about his career, right? Didn't think so.
Well, the charter bus of glory came to a halt by the side of the road, causing all the reality stars to balk with fear. What the hell? No glamorous resort? Just a dense patch of underbrush?? Whoa. This is gonna be a cray-cray season! To be fair, there was more than simply grass. There was a small dock. And OMG! A platform too! Surely someone can explain this scenario to us! How about you, Beth?
"Because I'm a little seasoned at this, I pretty much knew there was gonna be a twist," she said. And by "seasoned," she meant "this is what my life has come to." Ah Beth. I remember meeting her at the Playboy Mansion. She gave me seductive eyes. It was scary.
Anyway, everyone walked down the dock and piled onto the floating platform, and moments later, our new host and BMX superstar TJ Lavin popped up to greet everyone. To his credit, he was way waaaay more relaxed here than he was on the preview special. I don't know if anyone saw that thing two weeks ago, but the dude was about two stiff lines away from being termed The Lavbot.
As TJ addressed everyone, the camera lingered on the young cast members, which allowed us to make this perm update: Adam from Paris has buzzed his hair off (well done) whereas MJ from Philly has let his dumb-fro blossom into a horrendous beast of epic proportions. Please PLEASE get wasted so that your buddies can shave that shit off when you're passed out.
Nevertheless, TJ announced that this floating platform -- or barge, as it were -- would be the first challenge. And with all of America's jaws agape at this news, we then cut to the opening credits which featured our cast rising out of the water like mighty humpback whales (or any other aquamarine beasts of that ilk). Yes, it was all rather suggestive: one part baptismal, one part birth-y. Occasionally, we'd get a nifty underwater shot where our poor contestants could be found running towards each other in some submerged game of slo-mo chicken. But eventually, they too would rise from the ocean. I guess they were all like mermaids and mermen, except dumber. And without flippers. Point is, this watery sequence happily maintained the continuing tradition of ridiculously laughable opening credits. And that's a good thing.
We then returned to the dock where TJ announced he would be dividing teams into rookies vs. veterans. You see, anyone who's done at least two Challenges qualified as a veteran. So with that said, TJ then announced who was on which team. About forty-five minutes later, he finished this lengthy process, and we were able to finally move on to this mysterious barge challenge. It would be called "Royal Rumble," he said, causing Robin to cheer, "Awesome!" Yeah man! Great title for the challenge!! A+!!
We then saw an up-close shot of MJ during an interview and good God, get that shit off my TV! Seriously, he's actually difficult to look at. You might need special glasses or goggles. Anyway, the big challenge was that teams would stand on the platform and just wrestle. Last man standing would be team captain. So basically, the rookie men would battle it out first, then the rookie women, and so on and so forth, until a male and female captain for each team was chosen. Make sense?
"This is my thing. I've been wanting to rumble with people for the longest time," Derrick told us, adding, "Yeah, it's been about three hours since my last drunken brawl. Can't wait to rumble!"
Well, the rookie men took the platform first, and before you could even say "homoerotic," the guys were already entangled with each other, pushing and clawing for power. Eventually, Alton won the captain position, and then it was time for the veteran men to take the platform. Not wishing to break any bones or muss any faux-hawks, the guys eschewed wrestling in favor of the more dainty strategy of "rock, paper, scissors." After about ten minutes of this, Adam from Road Rules: The Quest emerged the victor, which would have been impressive had he not already cut his teeth on the pro Rock, Paper, Scissors tour.
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