Sadly, that was just a joke, but then it occurred to me that I did post about such a tour last year (almost to the day. CREEPY).

Anyway, the rookie girls followed the veteran guys's lead and also engaged in some serious RPS action, but at least they had the idea that they should pair up and whittle the pool down tournament style, rather than do every single Rock, Paper, Scissor battle one at a time. Jo from Real World: San Francisco took the captain title, and then lastly, it was time for the veteran girls to take the platform. Fortunately, they brawled it out like the rookie guys, causing Susie from Road Rules: Down Under (or whatever it was called) to remark, "I'm shocked that the veteran girls are as animalistic as they are!" C'mon Suzie. Have you even seen Aneesa's new hairstyle? Anyone with a mullet-fro is not gonna play Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Like many seasons in the past, Ruthie wound up beating all the other girls, and thus concluded the "Royal Rumble Energizer Challenge." Thanks, Energizer! I'm gonna buy some of your batteries now!

Well, our old friend Cameran from San Diego explained how happy she was to have Jo as a team captain. "This person is very calm, and of anybody, she'll be the last person to start drama," she said. Yeah, um, you have seen the previews for this show, right?

With the first challenge done, it was time to check in on some of our favorite cast mates. No one had really anything interesting to say except for Jamie from New Orleans who announced, "Right before I got here, I was living in a Buddhist monastery." Bad news, Jamie. The road to Nirvana does not go through the Gauntlet II. Unless, of course, you're on the TVgasm staff.

Anyway, the cast made its way to the mansion it would be calling home, and you know what that means: Screaming! Running! Jumping in the pool! Yay! Okay, back to the cast updates. For all of you who care (stop laughing at me), Kina from Road Rules: Extreme is now dating Randy from Real World: San Diego -- a.k.a. "Boom. Bazooka Joe." Meanwhile, Randy's former bedmate Robin has broken up with Mark Long, and similarly, Alton and Irulan are no longer together. And as for our spitfire friend Katie, well, she's still engaged to her boyfriend, Booze -- as evidenced by her lovely Coronoa-fueled burp-fest in the kitchen.

The next day, the teams trekked out to the Gauntlet arena, which looked vaguely like a giant covered wagon. "It looks like it's gonna be a real intense battleground of where these Gauntlets are going down," said an impressed Brad. Hmmm... I don't know. Last season's Inferno was in fiery cage. This open-air, cabana-ish venue seems to say more "Swedish massage and mojitos" than "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

Well, TJ explained some of the new rules to the cast. Basically, if a team lost, the captain would automatically be sent to the Gauntlet. Then the rest of his or her team would choose someone from the same team to battle it out. Loser obviously goes home and the winner either remains captain or becomes captain. "That right there is gnarly. It's like dang it, yo!" said a dangified Alton. Dang it, indeed!

But why worry about these crazy new rules when you can get drunk instead? That's right. It's time to get wasted, my friends, and to kick things off, Robin decided to throw Mark a birthday party. Yay, Mark! He then revealed to us that this was his "thirty-ish" birthday. "Thirty-ish," also known as the age when you're entirely too old to still be on these damn shows.

As expected, the party was extraordinarily dumb with the drunken cast members play-acting various scenes like Katie doing the whole bouncer bit or the guys pretending like they were packing heat. I don't even want to describe it. Basically, it was literally like watching 6th graders. I think we all know that when it comes to twentysomethings throwing parties, nothing really beats that amazing episode from season one of High School Reunion.

Nevertheless, as silly as everything was, the whole gang was having a blast. That is, everyone but JO. Yes, while everyone partied hard, the British lass huddled alone by the computer, checking her email with an angry scowl. Screw her, let's get back to the fun! As the booze continued to flow, the libidos surfaced like, well, like the cast members in the opening credits. Soon enough, Mark and Robin were making out against a wall. And was that Osama Beth Laden pulling Ace into her chamber of ill-repute? And hark! Do I spy Adam and Jodi getting intimate behind closed doors? Yes, hormones were raging, but I'm sure every penis fell limp at the sight of Aneesa giving Mark Long possibly the most unappetizing lap dance of the year. Gross!

As the house devolved into pure bacchanal chaos, our trusty friend Jo became increasingly irate; so she journeyed outside to call her dad in London to complain. Because that's what attention-starved women do when no one's fawning over them. As Jo racked up a hefty long-distance charge, good ole Derrick lived up to his wino rep and passed out on Jo's bed, making him ripe for a little drunken prank action. Sure enough, Kina came charging in with some chocolate syrup and tried to pour it all over him. I wasn't quite sure what exactly happened, but I do know that by the time the two vacated the room, there were three splotches of chocolate syrup ON THE FLOOR!!!

The Leaders of Tomorrow.

Posted by B-side on December 5, 2005 7:30 PM