Before we get to Aneesa's epic meltdown, we have to start at the beginning of the episode which brought us the pugilistic scene of David and Alton boxing in their skivvies. All sweaty and barely clothed, this was how I imagined many a gay porn have opened up. Before things could get too randy between these men, Ruthie and Kina stepped up to take a few swings, but not before Ruthie announced, "I've been drinking!" Oh really? That's like me saying, "I've been BREATHING."

Anyway, the two girls donned the oversized gloves, and then impromptu referee Mark Long -- he of the almighty faux hawk of doom -- laid down some ground rules. "We're doing this almost like it's just for fun," he said as we then cut to Ruthie POUNDING Kina. It was a vicious fight, but like any Jersey Girl after two L.I.T.'s, Kina went down in an instant (rimshot!).

Sadly, just as our bloodlust was truly beginning to boil, this Million Dollar Drunkard scene ended as the girls hugged each other and called it a night. What the hell? No bruises? No paralysis? No Mark Long whispering "Mo Cuishle! My darling. My blood!"

Instead, we followed Kina indoors as she sat with Randy and had a tender moment. You see, they've been dating for like five months, and they really really love each other. Awww. Now go away.

The next morning, the teams headed out to a golf course to meet their intrepid leader, T.J. Lavin, who presented the next challenge: "Team Builders." Basically, this was a three-part event, and teams could not advance until each stage was complete. With new captain/professional alcoholic Derrick in charge, the Veterans were already fretting about their chances. "He's got a lot of psycho popcorn kernels popping in his head," remarked Timmy, a man who has a lot of not-funny-and-too-old popcorn kernels popping in his own noggin.

Nevertheless, the first stage of the challenge had teams using tires, planks, and ropes to cross terrain. The catch: no one could touch the ground, or else the whole team would have to start over. Wow, how very corporate retreat team-exercise-y!

Well, the Rookies had a safe and sound strategy for tackling this task. They basically laid down the tires and planks and created a "progressive bridge." And yes, it was just as fascinating as it sounds. The Vets followed suit, but when resident humorist Timmy accidentally touched the earth with his food of comedic genius, his team was forced to begin again. And no silly face could fix that!

Faced with this dire setback, the Veterans did a little thinking outside of the box -- I know, not something you normally hear with this bunch. Anyway, they scrapped the progressive bridge idea and instead used the tires as makeshift boots, which allowed them to trek across the course in no time.

As for the Rookies, they were doing just grand until Alton's foot grazed the ground. He protested the ref's call, but it was useless. Poor Alton. You could tell he was really upset because he did a cartwheel or RAGE! Personally, I prefer the summersault of compassion.

Having to start all over, the Rookies then decided to mimic the Vets and use the tires as boots, and because of a logistics situation that's really not worth getting into, Alton wound up carrying the newly-beefy Danny on his back. And by "carrying," I mean "staggering, shaking, and nearly falling over right there." Yes, Alton may have had a 30-pack of abs, but hauling Danny's prissy ass around was more than he could handle. Luckily, human mule Landon was there to save the day as he trekked out and plucked Danny off the buckling Alton and safely delivered his teammate to the finish line. It was kind of like watching a really lame version of Titanic. Well, actually, not really.

I can't tell who was enjoying himself the most.

At the next stage, teams had to use a plank to jump over a rope and blah blah blah -- all you need to know is that no one could touch the rope. After the Landon/Danny fiasco, the Veterans had taken a huge lead, but when good ol' Ace grazed the rope with his leap of glory, the whole team had to start over, meaning that it was neck and neck all over again! Oh my god! This is so mildly exciting!

Unfortunately for the Rookies, they squandered this good fortune as the lanky, mopheaded, and generally scowl-inducing MJ hit the rope, causing his crew to completely redo this stage while the Veterans went off and played with balls. Okay, to be fair, they only played with one ball, and they couldn't even use their hands (that takes all the fun out of it, yes? That's right. A little testes humor to spice things up!). Basically, the team had to guide a giant beachball across the golf course without their arms, which meant a lot of awkward kicking and head-butting. Then again, what Real World/Road Rules Challenge doesn't have awkward kicking and head-butting? Sure enough, the Veterans completed this task without problems, and voila! They won $10,000! Yay! I'm so very happy for them and their "I can walk in a tire, jump over a rope, and bounce a ball for $10,000" careers!

Posted by B-side on December 21, 2005 3:28 PM