I Ain't Scurred... Of Looking Dumb - 
by B-side
Every week, I start out my Gauntlet 2 recaps in more or less the same fashion. I remark at how unbelievable it is that these career reality stars seem to explode every episode for no real reason. There was Jo and her litigious battle against the island of Trinidad and Tobago; there was Aneesa and her random tirade against Cara; there was Danny and his hissy-fit of rage; and of course there was Mark Long and his camera-grabbin' bout of extreme claustrophobia. This week, we can add Derrick and Brad onto the list. Sure, their blow-up was a tad weak compared to the others, but still, spit was spat and hostile proclamations of being "scurred" were exchanged. Just another lovely day at the beach!
The show opened up at what seems to be the only bar in Trinidad and Tobago: "Club 330 & Divers Den." It's the Dizzy Rooster of the Caribbean. As usual, the whole gang was there drinkin' and grindin' on the dance floor (which was certainly not populated by any other tourists or locals. I guess even Trinidad knows to steer clear of these wastrels). Anyway, before we could even get our bearings, we suddenly saw Brad and Derrick having a mild confrontation. "You did change a little bit, D," Brad said repeatedly. Well, that's all the motivation we need for the next volcanic eruption. With his arms flailing aggressively, Derrick suddenly bellowed out, "You are shooting me down for NO F*CKIN' REASON!!! FOR NO F*CKIN' REASON!!!!" And you are shouting for NO F*CKIN' REASON!!
A battle of wits and verbal trickery!
Derrick eventually settled down and retreated to another corner of the empty bar where he could sulk and/or ponder vomiting. Brad, meanwhile, noted to Ruthie, "Hey, he's not the smartest kid goin'." Man, if Brad's questioning your intelligence, then you know you really have problems. Or as Brad would say, "Then you really know you have problems, son."
With this relatively random scuffle behind us, the kiddos (I use that term very loosely for Mark and Timmy) headed back to their resort accommodations where they received their next clue. There was the usual speculation -- seriously, why even show it? No one cares -- and then the Veterans gathered 'round for a little hand-in-the-middle-1-2-3-go-team cheer. This in and of itself was nothing remarkable, but I did notice the disturbing sight of a jump rope hanging around Derrick's neck. Was that the specter of Eric Nies making its way onto the show? Who was douchebag that brought this token of lame product placement to Trinidad and Tobago? I'm looking at you, Marky Mark Long. For those of you who don't know, last season (or maybe the season before -- I can't keep track anymore), Eric Nies brought a jump rope onto the Challenge and spent an unfortunate amount of time extolling the rope's mystical powers (of which there were none, I assure you). Actually, turns out Eric released some stupid exercise DVD centered on jumping rope, and then it became abundantly clear that this magical jumping rope was merely just a clunky ploy to spur interest in the aging model's less-than-stellar fitness empire. I don't know what's worse: Eric's jump rope or Veronica and Rachel's dumb line of lesbian-chic t-shirts.
But enough ranting about reality star entrepreneurs. Let's get back to the Gauntlet. After the Vets did their little pep-rally, we then caught up with Rookie captain Alton as he bonded with Jamie and MJ. The three talked about how much tighter they were than anyone on the opposing team, with Jamie commenting, "Our nucleus is way stronger than theirs." Unfortunately, no Veteran would be able to counter such claims, but that's only because none of them know what "nucleus" means.
The next day, the teams headed back out to the golf course where T.J. Lavin (and some cheery, bucolic music) happily greeted them. This week's challenge: paint canvases using your bodies. Granted, there were some minor intricacies to this event involving showers and whatnot, but seriously, do you really need me to outline every detail of this? No one really cares about the challenge. In fact, the only reason why the producers set up this silly scenario was to put the guys in Speedos. Yes, all the men had to squeeze into lycra briefs, thus transforming Trinidad into Fire Island for one fleshy morning.
Of course, putting on a Speedo did not come easily to many of the men, especially MJ, who commented, "I'm a little nervous about this one because I've just been informed that I'm gonna have to put on a banana hammock." Look, you couldn't have been more nervous than we were. Our eyes are still burning.
Before everyone changed, the teams then huddled amongst themselves and strategized. Luckily for the Vets, they had the guidance of Timmy who said, "This is gonna be funny and hysterical, but we can't go down that road." I'm not sure that's a road you've ever been down, Timmy. Nevertheless, he continued, "There's gonna be laughter, we're gonna be hitting the showers, giggling, touching each other's parts, but we're winning here." And yes, I do now have the image of Timmy touching Aneesa's "parts" in my head. Now my eyes are burning, but on the inside.
At long last, the much anticipated guys-getting-into-Speedos montage descended upon us, which meant tons of closeups on butt-cheeks and crotches. Adam commented that many of the guys might be stuffing their Speedos, and to be fair, Derrick placed a beer can in his, but for purely functional reasons only. The camera then lingered on Landon, who merely giggled awkwardly. Oh, c'mon. Don't act like you haven't worn skimpy briefs in a homoerotic situation before.
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