Yelling or no yelling, we knew we'd be in for a treat when the episode began on the chronically blotched face of Beth, a.k.a. Osama Beth Laden. I've always found her to be an intriguing character. Her cast mates perpetually hate her, and she manages to stick her fingers into any crack and bust it wide open for maximum drama. And yet, I've never truly despised her the way I have Veronica or Tina. Nevertheless, I was intrigued to know what mischief Beth would be up to tonight. "My reputation kind of precedes me, but this time around, I'm like minding my own business and trying to stay out of trouble," she said ominously. Yeah, we'll see how long that lasts.

Elsewhere in the House of Fools, a T-Mobile Sidekick rang, and as Alton read the clue, we then caught a glimpse of the ever-shaggy MJ, whose hair was looking poofier (READ: dumber) than usual. Plus, now there was an unsightly goatee to match it. With all the makeover shows on basic cable these days, can't one of them attack this guy? Please, just a little "Queer Eye for the MY EYES ARE BURNING JUST LOOKING AT YOU Guy?"

Meanwhile, we checked in with Veteran captain Ruthie who expressed nervousness about a potentially looming Gauntlet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it. Same scene every other week. Anyway, the girls surmised that the challenge might have to do with running (what clued them in? The fact that they were going to a track and field stadium?) "Oh my God! I want to run because I will smoke them. That's what I do best," Beth announced. This then led to Montana talking trash about Beth in an interview and then a gritty flashback to season one of the Challenge (back when it was more like alterna-Road Rules). Turns out Montana and Beth have never really gotten along since that first season. "Beth is exactly the same as she was ten years ago. You would think that over the process of ten years, there would be a little bit of personal growth," Montana complained. Another thing you'd expect over the process of ten years: you not still doing the Challenge! (I complain, and yet, every time one of these people skips a challenge, I raise holy hell. Sorry guys, it's a no-win situation. We're TV viewers. We're needy, passionate, and illogical. Just like you.) Anyway, Montana then added, "There's been no growth with Beth, except for in the thighs." Z-Z-Z-ZING! Wow, Montana getting the claws out. Of course, with all the focus on Beth, people have forgotten what a trouble-maker Montana was in her prime. Sure, she has this whole veneer of maturity and sophistication, but if there's anything the Real World/Road Rules Challenge is good for, it's reverting these people into their high school selves. Don't think we're not onto you, Montana (and by all means, please keep stirring the pot).

Anyway, the teams arrived at the big stadium for their challenge, and lo and behold, they faced a pair of rickshaws (or chariots, as Mark Long later called them). For this week's big showdown, the teams had to transport all their members around the track. But since only two people could fit in the 'shaw, this meant multiple trips and multiple drivers (or runners, really). The details aren't important -- as always. Here's what is: because the Veterans had more people, the team had to sit out two members, who in turn would be ineligible for the Gauntlet, should the Vets lose.

Well, who would get to sit out? Julie had an idea: "Weight is an obvious thing. Syrus maybe we should consider -- just 'cause you're heavy." Hey Syrus, YOU'RE FAT! Why can't you have giant muscles and a twelve-pack? Just put a paper bag over your head and walk away in shame! Nevertheless, Syrus was benched due to his weight, and guess what? Beth volunteered to sit out as well. But wait! Isn't she a great runner? Wasn't that what she was saying? Montana was sure to bring that point up loud and proud, with the implication being that Beth was trying to sneak out of the Gauntlet. "Whatever, Montana. I'm the heaviest one," Beth replied. Not many girls would admit that on these types of shows. Had to sort of respect that. But wait a second. How the hell could she be heavier than Aneesa? Maybe she was trying to sneak out after all!

As expected, this turned into a squabble-fest amongst the girls that threatened to go on interminably until Ruthie finally said, "Guys, this is deunifying our team!" And I'm pretty sure Ruthie just deunified the English language. Anyway, Montana quietly complained to us that Beth was less concerned about the team and more concerned about saving her butt. Uh, it is a competition. Beth, meanwhile, felt that Montana was just trying to nab one of the coveted Gauntlet exemption spots. I really couldn't tell who was manipulative and who was sincere, but I didn't really care. As long as plenty of cat fights ensued, I'd be happy.

Posted by B-side on January 17, 2006 5:04 AM