The episode started off innocently enough. Kind of. We saw the Real World/Road Rules compound at night, but this evening, trouble was afoot. Dark, ominous sounds rumbled on the soundtrack, almost as if a murderer was about to unleash his wrath on the unsuspecting cast. We then focused our attention on Suzie and Cara who were enjoying a lighthearted game of ping pong. Although, with that music playing, it was fairly obvious this table tennis was pure EEEVIL!!!

Elsewhere on the property, we found Jillian talking to Kina. Gossiping, if you will. According to Jillian, Cara and Suzie had approached her about joining a secret alliance, one that would keep her safe. One that would compromise her values. One that would ROB HER SOUL!!!! Okay, maybe not that bad. Anyway, Jillian was appalled by the idea, saying "I don't want to have anything to do with it!" Relax. It's not like you were recruited to assassinate some political figure. Of course, at this point I was a bit confused about what the big deal was over some minor alliance-making. Turns out that Suzie and Cara wanted to join forces with not only Jillian but Brad, Timmy and David of the Veterans. Plan was for those guys to throw the women's challenges and the girls would then throw the Rookie men's challenge. This way, neither set would have to face the Gauntlet. Get it? I know, take a moment to let it sink in. SCANDAL!

As Kina fumed through her slanty mouth, we then headed inside to find David reading a clue off his T-Mobile Sidekick. It was something about strength, and for whatever reason, Syrus suddenly piped up in an interview and said that his ass was definitely on the line. I don't know why really. Maybe it's because he was on the old side. Or maybe his inability to ever form a suitable set of abs has relegated him to untouchable status in the house. Either way, Syrus was scared -- or scurred, if you're Brad -- and that was the end of that.

A little later, the Rookies all gathered together (sans Suzie and Cara) to discuss the duplicitous scheme that Jillian had stumbled upon. Alton, you see, was at risk, should those girls throw the competition. Therefore, it was extra important for everyone to compensate for Suzie and Cara possibly slacking off on the challenge. "Okay, okay, let's not look like we're discussing anything," Kina said. Yeah, good luck with that. Maybe you all shouldn't sit huddled around in a circle.

"Gather together. This way, it won't look like we're gathered together."

Anyway, the rookies were all concerned -- their faces all wearing expressions of consternation, anger, and worry. Well, everyone's but Randy. He looked like he was thinking about grapefruits or monkeys or possibly both.

This is for the readers who are constantly asking for Alton pictures. Hubba hubba!

The next day at the challenge, teams learned that they'd have to rely upon their strength to succeed. First they had to move a "boulder" across the golf course, then push a pickup truck (carrying the team, of course), and THEN load some cinder blocks into the cab and push the damn thing back again. Sounds simple!

Well, Ace volunteered to drive the Veteran truck because he's been driving stick shift since he was born, or so he said. By the way, anti-props to whichever mother let her newborn baby handle her manual transmission. As for the Rookies, Jeremy would be the driver, and furthermore, Cara and Suzie's workload would be completely limited and minimized. This was not great news for Cara who seemed to genuinely want to participate. "Almost everybody else like Ibis and Jillian, they've kind of proven themselves," she said. Wait, Ibis proved herself? I hardly even knew she was on the show. As for Jillian, well, she's clearly contributed so much to this season. Really stepped up a lot. I'm surprised she hasn't schtooped Mark Long yet.

Anyway, the competition began, and both teams rolled their "boulders" along the turf. I keep putting "boulders" in quotation marks because obviously, these were not really boulders. We could tell because a) they were all geometric and such, and b) the Veteran's boulder full on fell apart, revealing its hollow core and wooden skeleton. Way to build that well, CARPENTERS!

Gosh, I hate when that happens.

Believe it or not, this boulder crumble wasn't much of a roadblock since the Veterans simply collected the pieces of wood and dragged them across the line. Next, it was time to push some trucks. The Rookies had a lead -- thanks to their boulder staying in one piece -- but the Veterans were right on their tails, thanks to a pushing effort from Beth.

"Beth's performance today -- right on point," Mark Long said. "She's one of our better girls on our team, and she should be proud of herself." Bravo, Beth! You win Mark's prestigious Golden Faux Hawk of Distinction!

Anyway, both teams crossed the checkpoint with their trucks and then had to load up the cinder blocks. Unfortunately, what the producers didn't seem to anticipate was that unless these teams had a burly guy named Hans who enjoys dabbling in "World's Strongest Man" competitions, no one would be able to move these trucks now. Still, it was fun to watch MJ, Julie, Mark Long, and whoever else take one step closer to Hernia-ville by pushing with all their force, all in vain.

Just when MJ couldn't get any grosser...

Posted by B-side on January 27, 2006 4:40 AM