Finally, TJ came around to say that at the sound of his airhorn, teams would be able to add two more pushers to their truck. Suzie wanted to volunteer for the Rookies, but lo! Landon shut her down. Whatever, Suzie, it's not like you're the bastion of strength. Just simmer down. Anyway, with added manpower, the Rookies were able to get their truck rolling, but those Vets, they just couldn't get the tires to even move an inch. "1, 2, 3!" the pushers yelled as they flung themselves on the fender to no avail. Suckers.

Well, the Rookies won, thus avoiding further scandal with the Cara/Suzie situation. The Veterans, meanwhile, figured out why their truck had been so stolid. Turns out Ace had forgotten to hold down the clutch. Oops! "What the f*ck?? ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME? THE CLUTCH? THE F*CKING CLUTCH?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???" Julie yelled as she stormed away. Hey, hey. That's not very Mormon! I thought you were born again!

Ace, meanwhile, simply laughed it off, telling us, "Oh my gosh. I'm going to the Gauntlet!" Sure enough, he was right. At the deliberations, Ace volunteered himself, giving a partial explanation for his not so clutch performance in the process. You see, he'd never seen a car that didn't roll when it was in neutral, and furthermore, "I've been driving cars since I was sixteen years old." Congratulations. So had EVERYONE ELSE.

Anyway, TJ spun the wheel of misfortune, and today's big event: Captain's Choice! With his usual overabundance of gravity, Derrick opted for Beach Brawl, which would have made him seem really tough had he not then appeared on screen sporting a knitted, puffy, periwinkle cap. Even Danny from Real World: Austin would never wear that thing.

Is Derrick wearing a tea cozy?

Well, the teams headed off to The Gauntlet to the tune of a throbbing beat that seemed to say "This is serious, yo." Yeah, man. This shit right here is gritty. Everyone knows that 50 Cent was shot nine times, but not everyone knows that it happened IN THE GAUNTLET! Anyway, TJ called Derrick down to the sandy battleground and then asked, "Who'd you guys decide to face you tonight in the Gauntlet?" Dude, you were JUST at the meeting. How can you not remember? Well, Ace hopped over the railing and down into the pit where he anxiously chomped on his gum like a cow chewing its cud. And then the homoerotic portion of the evening began. The boys lathered themselves in oil, and once they were all good and shiny, they commenced a bout of sweaty, Greco-Roman wrestling.

Create your own caption...

The last time we saw this event, it played out less like wrestling and more like a bullfight as matador Alton stepped out of the way of the charging Danny. This time around, however, we had some real rasslin, even if it still was somewhat on the brief side. The first round went to Derrick who managed to push Ace out of the ring easily. Our country boy rebounded in round two as he then knocked Der-Der out of the circle. With the score tied, I paused to reflect about Syrus -- seriously, what was the deal with him fearing the Gauntlet this week? That whole notion was such a random flash in the pan. Maybe it was a lame attempt to create some sort of misdirection. Anyhoo, it's a random thought that has no business invading the ever exciting showdown at the Gauntlet (but while we're talking about random things, I'd also like to ask if anyone's ever seen a widow's peak larger than Landon's. It's like a V-Neck pattern on top his head.)

Okay, okay. Back to the wrestling. Derrick regained the lead in round three as he pushed Ace out again. First to three points would win, btw. Well, since I like Ace despite his bumbling and doofus-y ways, I was rooting for him to make a comeback, but we all knew it wasn't going to happen. Derrick knocked Ace out for the third and final time, thus eliminating the "social chair" of the house. With only twenty minutes to pack and leave, this meant only one thing: paaaartaaay!!! Well, more like onnnnnnne driiiiink!!! The whole gang gathered in Ace's room where he proposed a well-stated if naive toast: "Remember this. This is all about friendships, experiences, making the most of life." Yes, and what better place to embrace the joi de vivre than The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: the place where grown adults revert to their middle school selves and revel in a ceaseless parade of gossiping, backstabbing, and fighting. Skoal!

Well, Ace headed home, but we still had some business to take care of. You see, Cara and Suzie were pretty pissed about the challenge today. They felt they had been shut down by the team, and they wanted to know what was up. The girls called a team meeting, and Cara opened up the forum by talking endlessly about "communication" and "laying it out there." Funny how people who bandy these terms about never seem to actually communicate anything.

Finally, Landon simply cut to the chase. "I have a question for you guys," he said, looking like he might just cry. "Do you guys have an allience?"

Dunh Dunh DUNH!! We then cut to jaws dropping from Suzie and Cara, followed by Kina's "Yeah, that's right, bitches" smirk and Alton's "Oh, we know" stare. It's ON!

Well, Cara immediately rejected the accusation, yelling, "Forget it! N-O! You think I'm stupid?" Kind of, but that really has nothing to do with anything.

Anyway, Cara and Suzie tried to defend themselves, but nothing was going to change Kina's mind. Instead she kept saying "We are WELL AWARE!!!" over and over again until I wanted to shake the TV and scream, "WE ARE WELL AWARE THAT YOU'RE WELL AWARE!" (Actually, I think she said it like twice, but that's enough for me.)

Posted by B-side on January 27, 2006 4:40 AM