Now, before I write anymore, I have a confession for all you Alton fans out there (and I know there are many). On Monday morning, I actually had the opportunity to meet him, but I opted to sleep instead. I know, this is sacrilege to many of you -- how could I pass up the opportunity to take a photo of ALTON?!?!? Well, I got home at like 5:00 AM and would have to wake up at 8:30 AM and yada yada yada, no Alton/TVgasm love. By the way, anyone who saw Tuesday's Reality Remix, might have noticed that Alton's "cartwheel of rage," a term we coined as a joke, actually surfaced on the air. Kennedy happened to interview Alton, and the very first question out of the gate: "So you did -- maybe you're most famous for the cartwheel of rage during a challenge. You did a cartwheel of rage when you didn't like a call!!" We're starting trends, people.

Anyway, enough babbling. Let's talk about Monday's show. So the episode began with Jillian talking to Cara and Suzie, a.k.a. Team Pariah. For those of you who missed last week's episode, a scandal erupted when Jillian gossiped that Cara and Suzie were intending to ally with Brad, David, and Timmy (on the opposing Veteran team) to create some axis of evil that would throw missions to further their cause. Who knows if it was true -- something tells me this was just a giant game of Telephone. Anyway, now Jillian wanted to tell Cara and Suzie that it was she who had blabbed to Kina and started this whole mess. And that's about as far as I could get before I was totally confused by the situation.

Yes, two seconds into the episode, and I was already completely lost. I mean, there were some things I could understand, like when Suzie told Jillian, "But why do you say 'you guys' when you were there and you were involved." But then my brain was completely stumped by Jillian's response: "Because if I would have said something, it would have looked bad. Rather not say anything at all." So did Jillian just admit that she didn't implicate herself because she wanted to look like the hero? Does that mean that she lied? And who did she not want to look bad for? Anyway, before I could really grasp the crux of this discussion, the girls then found Kina and Ibis and tried to explain to them the situation -- whatever that was. Furthermore, they wanted to call a team meeting to clarify (READ: confuse) the situation more. However, Ibis was not a fan of that.

"If she's gonna say, 'Well, she told us' in front of the whole group, it's gonna really make you look bad," Ibis said, not really making any sense to me. Maybe I'm just on crack. Or maybe the very sound of these people's voices is enough to make my brain rot in real time. Anyway, there was more back and forth, with Ibis now saying that Jillian said that Cara approached Brad about an alliance. Not so fast, girlfriend. Jillian retorted that Cara approached her and Suzie about an offer made by Brad. And to that, Cara asked how could she just ignore this vital information. Should she laugh it all off? If you're confused, don't worry. You're not alone. Maybe if the cameras had ever caught this controversial meeting, we'd be in better shape.

Ultimately, Kina flipped out (of course) and said, "The fact that you would even have a conversation that would entail f*cking people over on our team is pissing me off right now and will piss everyone off as well. So please take my advice and don't rehash it!" Well, we don't know if it was a conversation about f*cking people over on the team. THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT. Kina's Jersey Alert Level then went from orange to red as she swiveled her head and told Cara to have her "damn meeting."

"What was I thinking to think taht you were ever approachable because you're so NOT approachable," Cara whined. And to prove that she was, in fact, approachable, Kina simply recoiled her head and walked away. Like any approachable person would, mind you. The best part of the whole thing was how when she stormed away, so did Ibis -- almost as if she were her royal servant, which she probably is.

Posted by B-side on February 1, 2006 3:07 PM