The big show began with the council of elders -- Timmy, David, and Mark -- discussing the plight of their team with younger vet, Brad. The problem, as they saw it, was that there was a cancer on their squad. A cancer with bad skin, crazy eyes, and a bit of an attitude. A cancer named Beth. There was only one way to deal with her. "One of us is gonna have to bang Beth," Timmy announced. Oh, don't act like you don't want to, Timmy.

Meanwhile, Beth was babbling to Kina about her team and how they all didn't appreciate her and blah blah blah -- get the violins out. "I feel dirty and ugly and sick," Beth said. Funny, that's kind of how I feel at the end of these shows.

Anyway, all this Beth stuff was nice and everything, but we knew what this episode was really about: Kina and Cara. Let the cattiness begin! Starting things off was Cara, who complained to Susie on the couch that Kina had been completely ignoring her. Susie then explained to us -- fairly rationally -- that the other girls had isolated them and shunned them away. "It leaves Cara and I to bond, but the more we bond, the madder they get." What? C'mon Susie. Let's not be ridiculous. I can't believe that such mature, rational women as Kina, Jodi, Gillian, and Ibis would ever act that way!

Of course, there are two faces to every coin, and Kina was here to explain her vantage point. "They isolate themselves all the time," she insisted. Yes, I'm sure they do. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Kina, Jodie, Gillian, and Ibis were all on the same season of Road Rules and are a natural clique.

Well, with the schism of rage tearing apart the rookie girls, we then moved onto the next morning as the teams prepared for the challenge. Oh, and look! There was Timmy dressed in a hilarious bikini shirt and a mullet wig. That man is a comedic genius. Not since Gallagher or Carrot Top have I seen one man hone the craft of hilarity as much as Timmy.

Anyway, this week's big challenge was like a strenuous cousin to Tug O' War. The teams had to split in two. One half would sit on an apparatus above the ocean, and the other half would have to hoist said apparatus up via pulling on a rope. They'd have to keep the team up as long as possible. Both teams would perform this task twice, with each half getting a chance as pullers and sitters. I'm making this sound way more confusing than it actually was.

First up were the rookies who Alton was confident would win this thing. "We have this. Our players are lighter," he said. Well, maybe not Ibis. But hey, she has a very pretty face. As Alton and MJ and the other pulled and pulled, Mark Long had nothing but contempt for his rivals. "Anyone knows Tug O' War. You never rely on your hands. It's all about locking ropes within your body and almost being able to free your hands," he said. Gosh, Mark. Maybe you should go and join the Olympic Tug O' War team.

Well, actually, Mark did have a point. The Rookies certainly were not using their leverage properly, and so the team dropped the rope at a mere eleven minutes in. That's what'll happen when you have someone like moptop MJ serving as your anchor. Next up was the first heat for the Vets, who clearly benefited from the sage counsel of Tug O' War shaman Mark Long. "This isn't a pulling competition. It's a resistance competition. We're not pulling at all. We're resisting the fall," he said. I could just barely hear the sitar playing and finger symbols chiming in the background.

Sure enough, the Veterans adopted a better tugging strategy and wound up comfortably holding the rope way longer than the Rookies. "Everyone good back there?" Robin asked, adding, "It feels f*ckin' beautiful up here." Now is that true? Does it REALLY feel beautiful? I don't think so Robin, and I don't appreciate your rampant hyperbole.

Anyway, the Vets made it to the thirty minute mark, which meant that the anchor (Mr. Long) had to step away. But what they lost in strength, they made up for in over-dramatic encouragement. "THIS IS YOUR MOMENT!" Julie yelled. Wow, if this was their moment, they all have very sad lives.

Well, the Vets lasted for a total of thirty three minutes before they dropped their buddies into the ocean. The Rookies then stepped up for their second and final heat. They too adopted Mark Long's strategy and were able to make it to the thirty minute mark also. But when anchor Randy stepped away, the team just could not hang on very long. Maybe that's because Landon decided to let go too, for no real reason. Ten seconds later, his chums were plopped in the water, bringing the Rookie total to about forty one minutes.

Posted by B-side on February 16, 2006 4:28 PM