Things went from bad to worse as Alton began to lose his balance, causing his "Talk to me, Jill's" to become loud and urgent, as if reciting the line would somehow cause a voodoo spell of proper equilibrium. Eh, I guess it worked because Alton miraculously saved himself from falling off the contraption. Man, if he had fallen after Ibis hadn't, I would have known that I'd entered some bizarro universe. Anyway, Alton managed to persevere despite Jillian's silence, and then it was time to guide the Queen B: Kina.

One step onto the balance beam, and Kina was already shaking. Surely, she'd fall. Somebody fall. PLEASE. But alas, Kina got over her nerves and successfully crossed the beam. I was surprised that she didn't later say, "I couldn't believe I had nerves. I was so pissed off at my nerves. Plus, Jillian told me that my nerves and Cara had a secret alliance. Not cool, man. Not cool."

Well, I could sit here all day and tell you about the fascinating ways the Rookies all crossed the beam... or I could bash my head against my desk. Point is, the rest of the team made it across without incident. Special kudos to Jamie who navigated the course in a mere time of 3:25. Actually, no. No special kudos. This isn't the Olympics. No one cares about performance. Just catastrophic failure. And speaking of which, the Veterans had better fall, otherwise I want a refund.

I thought I might be in luck with the Vets when Katie announced that a) she was going first and b) the balance beam was now wet thanks to some inclement weather. But alas, Katie did just fine getting across (like Ibis, without a blindfold). Then it was time for her to guide David across, and well, that wasn't so easy. She actually messed up and had him walk backwards to get his photo. Way to go, Katie. Luckily for the team, David was nimble and survived this setback. Derrick, Julie, and Mark soon followed, also without incident. Mark had some teetering issues, but they were short-lived -- unlike his faux-hawk.

Then it was time for Mark to work his navigational magic as he calmly directed Robin across the beam. "Hearing Mark's voice and me trusting in him, it just made it a lot easier for me to get across," she told us. So romantic, in a dumb sort of way. Good thing she was blindfolded, otherwise his bug-eyed stare might have frightened her right into the water. Seriously, what's up with that? Dude's got the scariest eyes on reality TV.

If only Robin could have been as proficient with directions as Mark. She tried to guide Timmy across, but she kept confusing her lefts and rights, causing the old geezer to nearly lose it a few times. But -- sigh -- this too came to pass as yet another cast member successfully avoided falling off. Finally, it was time for Aneesa. Okay, her fat ass better fall. No way this biatch has coordination. But nope, she made it too. Oh well. A full challenge with no embarrassing failures. This never would have happened under Beth's reign.

In the end, it all came down to time, and the Vets easily won by over five minutes. You know what that meant: Kina's was going to the Gauntlet. YES. So maybe no one fell off the balance beam -- this episode could still be redeemed if Kina gets the big, fat boot off the show. I don't know why I have so much bitterness pent up for Kina. I tend to think it has to do with her overdramatic impulses and her inability to ever listen to both sides of the story. Whatever. I don't have to justify myself when it comes to these kids. So let's just move on.

Anyway, with the Veteran victory came the realization for the women that they were in the final challenge. And no one was more excited than Julie. "Oh my god! I made it to the end. I didn't get voted off!" she exclaimed. And by "I didn't get voted off," she meant "I didn't try to kill someone by removing their safety harness! Yay!!"

Meanwhile, TJ gave Kina some words of encouragement. "Kina, you ain't no stranger to the Gauntlet. You ain't scared." She ain't scurrred (right, Brad?). But I bet she was pissed. Plus, now she had to pick either Suzie, Jillian, or Ibis to join her in the Gauntlet (Jodi was exempt because she sat out this challenge). If Kina were choosing based on old grudges, she'd send Suzie to the Gauntlet. If she were picking based on friendship loyalties, she'd spare Ibis and send Jillian. And if she were picking based on that crazy thing I like to call "brains," she'd send Ibis in. I mean, it was so painfully obvious that Ibis had to go in. Even MJ realized it. "Kina needs to put Ibis in the Gauntlet tonight," he insisted to us -- which was sort of our way of knowing that she most definitely going to choose Jillian (we know misdirection when we see it).

With all this pressure mounting, Kina totally freaked out in the bathroom, telling Jodi, "I'm just so over it, you know?" Oh, shut up. Just pick a girl and be done with it. Or better yet, have the team pick for you. Or how about you just leave the damn island. This isn't freakin' Sophie's Choice here. But Kina never saw a silly dilemma she couldn't overly dramatize, and in this case, she yelled out, "I'M SO ANNOYED! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS SO F*CKIN' BAD!!" Anyone have a baseball bat? Or how about some chloroform? We need to knock this bitch out.

The phrase "SHUT UP" personified.

Posted by B-side on March 15, 2006 11:57 AM