Well, first off, don't get too concerned about the whole Kina/Randy situation. Thanks to the tireless promotional efforts of MTV, we knew that the Veterans would be going to the Gauntlet before the show even began. That was bad news for me (I really wanted Kina and Randy separated), but then again, this also meant I might get to see Derrick's possible ouster.

Nevertheless, the show began with Kina and Alton loungin' on the porch, talking about who might go into the Gauntlet if the team lost the next challenge. Alton admitted that his choice would be Randy, something that didn't totally thrill Kina.

"It's kind of obvious why you think Randy, just because of the body type and all that kind of stuff," she said. Body type? Just say it: he's doughy. Soft. Like a not-purple Grimace.

Kina did hit on an important point. Physicality was important for the final mission, and Alton knew that. "[if we do] A three mile run -- do we have to hoist him over a wall?" he asked us. Look, I'd be more worried about Ibis at this point.

Ah, it just never gets old for me.

Nevertheless, Alton continued his assessment of Randy: "He's the chunkiest guy on our team. He's as strong as a tank, but he's as big as one also." Was he referring to Randy Jackson? I mean, yeah, Randy's a little soft around the sides, but a tank? Only on The Gauntlet 2 would someone like Randy be referred to as "big as a tank."

Yay! Funny freeze frame!

Speaking of plump specimens, we then cut to Ibis who was now sitting alone with her BFF, Kina. The Rookie captain informed her friend that Alton was planning to take Randy into the Gauntlet, causing Ibis to balk, "Do they think they only need jocks at the end of the day?" Uh, yeah. Pretty much. And since when did Randy not qualify as a jock? Oh, that's right. He's an artiste.

Anyway, Kina summed up her feelings in her typical pissed off way. "I think it's stupid."

And of course, ever the lapdog with no thoughts for herself, Ibis agreed: "I think it's very stupid." Of course, none of these girls provided any reason why it was stupid. They just thought it was stupid, okay?

Actually, I take that last statement back. Ibis did in fact tell us why the decision was stupid. Randy, it turns out, was an intellectual resource. "He's brilliant," Ibis said. Randy? The Randy that's on this show? Boom Bazooka Joe? Yes, apparently Randy was a beacon of intellectualism that we should all aspire to. Either that or Ibis hasn't really been around a lot of smart people in her life. Yeah, that's probably it.

Randy = Brilliant.

Later that night, the Veteran girls decided to cheer up their male teammates by baking cookies. Or as I like to call them, "Disaster Biscuits." While they baked, we then cut briefly to Randy and Kina cuddling outside, feeling all concerned. This would have been mildly engaging had MTV not already shown the outcome of the challenge, but I digress. Back inside, the girls finished their batch of goodies, and as expected, their cookies looked like the nastiest little moonpies I'd seen since the last time I went to the zoo. Nevertheless, the women proudly fed their knights in shining pectorials, which meant that Mark Long had to remove his dainty little sleeping mask -- he does need his beauty sleep after all. Oddly enough, Katie and Robin looked like they had white cream all over their faces. Probably was some form of skin care, but then again, could have been much worse. The guys were all unfazed, however -- chances are they were used to seeing those girls like that. Semen ZING!!!

Someone just got a zinger facial!

Anyway, Timmy happily ingested one of the cookies, saying afterwards, "You know what I taste? I taste love." And I taste something that's NOT FUNNY. GO AWAY, TIMMY.

Even though it looked like everyone was just bracing to go to sleep, we then cut to the whole gang sitting around the dinner table. Must be clue time. Sure enough, that ever dependable T-Mobile Sidekick II lit up, and as Timmy reached to answer it, he fell over in his chair. My oh my. He is just one hilarious guy. What a ham! He should go on Leno!

Once composed, Timmy read the clue out loud, saying, "Hey Challengers. I hope you brought your ice skates." This was followed by confused mumbling until Timmy laughed, "Kidding!" HILARIOUS AGAIN! This guy is on FIRE!!! Do the chair-falling-over bit again! Do it!

Anyway, Timmy eventually read the correct clue, and then Mark Long spoke to us about sparing Derrick from going into the Gauntlet again. You see, he'd gone in more times than anyone else. "I'm gonna do everything in my power to keep that kid here," Mark insisted, adding, "I will use my faux-hawk as a sword if I have to. I'm that serious."

The next morning at the challenge, TJ arrived on a bike, causing all the players to clap like seals. Turns out that the bike was a Schwinn TJ Lavin Signature Series BMX style, and the winning captain of this challenge would receive such a bike.

Posted by B-side on March 21, 2006 6:02 PM