Talk About A Mouthful - 
by B-side
This is it, folks. The moment we've all been waiting for. The big finale of The Gauntlet 2. It's been a fun season, full of ups and downs, drama and heartache, stupidity and... more stupidity. Some people have said this Real World/Road Rules Challenge has been lackluster, but to them, I say "Feh!" Sure, we don't ever really care about the actual outcome of any given show, but since when has that mattered? It's all about watching these hormonally charged reality stars butt heads and attack each other, using warped and flawed logic to rationalize their silly behavior at any given time. And for that, I thank them. Each and every one of them. Even Derrick and Kina, the two biggest idiots of all.
The season finale began where the last show ended: with Derrick and Timmy about to face off in the Gauntlet. This was a tough contest for the Veterans. After all, both guys really brought so much to the team. Timmy brought humor. Awful, awful humor. And Derrick brought ferocity. Ridiculous, overly-dramatic ferocity. This was a Sophie's Choice if there ever was one, and the gravity of the situation was not lost on anyone. Except, well, the viewers who didn't really care who went home. Actually, that's not entirely true. I personally was hoping that Derrick's sanctimonious reign of receding-hairline terror would come to an end, simply because I couldn't stand to hear him make another super serious speech. That, and I feared there wouldn't be enough coffee tables on the island to support Derrick's rampant kicking spree.
Anyway, TJ rang the bell to commence this ever-so-dramatic bout of Reverse Tug O' War, and right from the get-go, Timmy dominated. Derrick was whipped back like a minnow on a fishing rod and was left with little to do but grasp futilely at the sand. All the scrappiness in the world couldn't help Derrick now. It was awesome. I laughed.
Well, inch by inch, Timmy lunged closer to his flag, and just before he made that one last surge, Derrick committed to his most overly dramatic conceit yet. "NOOOOO!!!!" he yelled as if he were witnessing his brother being thrown into a fiery pit. I'm sure when it rains, he goes outside, stretches his arms, and yells to the heavens above -- just for kicks.
Sure enough, Timmy grabbed his flag, officially eliminating Derrick once and for all. Part of me wanted to do a little dance of joy. Another part of me just wanted to point at the TV and snicker. And since the latter required less energy, that's exactly what I did. Watching a defeated Derrick lying in the sand, realizing it was allll over, was worth a whole season's worth of ridiculousness.
Well, Derrick wasn't the only one who could be ridiculously dramatic. Let's not forget Kina, who was so distraught she COULDN'T EVEN WATCH. Oh, the horrors!!! As Kina bawled in her so goddamn pissed off hands, Jodi then piped up to us in an interview and said, "He just worked so hard to get here." Yeah, well, maybe he should have worked hard at making an executive decision for the Gauntlet. Or maybe he shouldn't have spun the damn wheel. After all, TJ did seem to have that special Captain's Choice/Beach Brawl touch. Anyway, Jodie continued, "To go home the day before, it doesn't get any worse than that. It really doesn't." So let's see: Cancer. Genocide. Hate crimes. Going home the day before the final challenge on The Gauntlet 2. Yeah, Jodi's right. It doesn't get much worse than that.
Meanwhile, Derrick's flame may have been officially extinguished, but his spirit still lived on, mainly in Timmy who then ambled around, punching whatever objects were nearby. People, just because you're upset doesn't mean you have to assault inanimate objects. It's lame. If you're going to punch anything, might I suggest Kina? Or Aneesa?
Nevertheless, Timmy told us, "For me to send him home -- it's a HORRIBLE feeling." Kind of the same feeling we get when we have to sit through your jokes, Timmy. (Of course, the good news of all this was that everyone was so preoccupied in being mad and dramatic that we were delightfully spared from some post-Gauntlet comedy from the Timster).
Anyway, Timmy and Derrick stood up alongside TJ for the official captain coronation ceremony, which pretty much involved Derrick anxiously kicking the sand, perhaps unleashing his wrath on an unsuspecting seashell or pebble. "Derrick, he kind of kept this team together," Julie then told us in an interview. Wow. If that's what the Vets were like "together," I'd hate to see them apart.
TJ then took the floor, and I thought he might cry, just because we know how much he LOVES the integrity of the Gauntlet. However, he kept it together to deliver a typically eloquent speech: "Alright, guys. That was... that was a great Gauntlet. Uhhh... it was a battle for sure." Yes, when it comes to wordsmiths, none can compare to Sir TJ Lavin.
Anyway, upon announcement of Derrick's elimination, the teams gave him a standing O (well, they were already standing, but you get the point) and suddenly the music turned up as if this were some sort of great, inspirational moment. I'm sure Derrick appreciated it, but you know in his heart of hearts, he would have preferred the slow-clap transition to rousing applause. Well, moments later, Kina embraced her dear Derrick and outright bawled over his shoulder. Why? Because she's a total idiot. It's not like Derrick was Peyton Manning losing in the playoffs. IT'S A GLORIFIED GAME SHOW!
Soon everyone came up to hug the hero and pay their respects. Mark even put Derrick in a headlock of love. It was so moving, in a completely not moving way at all. "It's hard to watch the undefeated champion go home," Alton said. No, it's WONDERFUL.
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