Later that night, Derrick packed up and headed to the front door, again receiving applause from the entire house. Why were they applauding? He FAILED! Plus, he looked completely wasted -- just judging by his general stumbling. Bolstering my theory was that he then slurred, "I can't believe I lost, man!" and began pounding a car roof. This then transitioned to Derrick in an interview giving some lame inspirational speech to the remaining players. Just shut up and leave already.

The next morning, it was at last time for the final challenge. Yay! But Timmy's dumb jokes were back. Boo! Yes, Timmy was sporting a dumb hat and holding a giant pair of underwear, saying they were Beth's bloomers. Okay, that was mildly funny. But don't push it, Timmy. You're still wearing a dumb hat.

Ugh.

Ibis -- in her typically feisty manner -- then told us, "There is not a chance in Gauntlet HELL that we are going to lose." Well, there was a chance, and that chance's name was you, IBIS. What is Gauntlet Hell anyway? Is that where Veronica and Tina hang out when they're not on camera?

Well, everyone arrived at Gauntlet Stadium with various names scrawled on their bodies and clothing, courtesy of Sharpie I'm sure (a company that will forever suck for congratulating Danny and Melinda on their engagement, but that's another issue). Some people had the names of fallen teammates. Others just had random family members and phrases instead. It was all some vaguely tribal method of getting psyched. I'm not going to say it looked stupid because people are entitled to whatever pre-game rituals they need, but... it looked stupid.

Anyway, the final challenge was a three-tiered event. Part one would have the teams each eating twelve pounds of Roti, which David later described as a Caribbean Burrito filled with potatoes, poultry, bones, beaks, and other odd bird parts. The second challenge was "Pirate Memory," or as it's known to the rest of the world, "Memory." And for the third event, teams would basically have to participate in a relay race. Now, this may have all seemed a bit, uh, underwhelming at first, but there was a neat twist. Each team would receive 250 "Pirate Gold Doubloons" -- or as I like to call them -- gold coins. For each competition, the Vets and Rooks would have to bet at least one coin and up to a max of 248. So even though these challenges were a bit on the mundane side, this betting element added a nice dimension to the whole event. Plus, there was another twist. Each teammate could only participate in one event, but there were no limits as to how many or how few people could do those events. That meant that, for example, a team could send five people to do Pirate Memory. Or they could send one.

Well, over on the Rookies, Randy (who we all know is brilliant, according to Ibis) said the team should go all in on one event they felt confident in -- a.k.a. the relay race. And so MJ, Alton, and Landon were to race their hearts out in the third competition. Seemed kind of risky to me, but whatever -- I'm not one to question the nuggets of sheer brilliance coming out of Randy's mouth. Anyway, Susie and Kina would be doing the memory game, and as for the eating, that would be Randy, Jamie, Jodie, and, of course, Ibis. Hey, gotta play to your strengths. By the way, I was very disappointed that we wouldn't get to see Ibis struggling with a ten mile run. To paraphrase Brad, I feel very violated right now! VERY violated!!!

Over on the other team, Julie came up with essentially the same plan as Randy, except whereas the Rookies would bet everything on sprinting, the Veterans would go for broke on the eating contest. And so the Vets placed Timmy, Robin, Mark, Julie, and David on the first challenge, Katie on memory, and Aneesa on sprinting. Why Aneesa wasn't part of the eating crew is beyond me. Anyway, if all went to plan, then the Vets would win one coin in the first round, bringing their total to 249, and then the Rookies would win one coin in the third round, bringing their total to 249 also -- which meant it all came down to the stupid memory game. And with Kina and Susie going up against Katie, the odds were decidedly in the rookies favor. I mean, forget that the Rookies outnumber the Vets in that competition -- did anyone really expect Katie to excel in a game of memory?

I need to pause the action to question the teams' logic. What's the point of going all-in if there's no multiplier? Meaning, if the Vets bet 248 coins and win, they don't actually get 248 additional coins back. They only get their part plus whatever the other team bet. So if the Vets bet 30 coins to the Rookies 1 coin, they'd still wind up with a total of 249 if they won, but if they lost, they'd only be down 30 coins instead of 248 and... wow. I can't believe I'm trying to even analyze this. Forgive me. Point is -- the number of coins bet didn't really matter. It all came down to best two out of three -- kind of takes the thrill out of the whole betting scenario.

Okay, so onto the first challenge: eating! We've waited all season for a mass ingestion event, and at long last, here it was. There were a few rules: teams had to have their mouths clear before they could be declared winners and secondly, the first team to throw up would automatically lose. Not a problem for Ibis, I'm sure.

Posted by B-side on March 28, 2006 1:02 PM