Dueling Bimbos - 
by B-side
Don't let the tardiness of this recap fool you. The Duel is awesome. Well, I use the word "awesome" relatively. After all, we are only talking about the latest Real World/Road Rules Challenge, the guiltiest of pleasures from the MTV universe. From the getgo, I was excited about this season, mostly because of the cast which features a lovely variety of idiots, bitches, goofballs, and more idiots. Back as the resident über-villain is Beth, a woman who seems to become more enjoyably awful with each passing season. Unlike Coral, who traded in her bitch credentials in lieu of giant mammaries and a sense of a humor, Beth has been honing her evilness. I think we're supposed to hate her because all the girls hate her (and she's whiny and stubborn and a victimizing attention whore), but watching her piss off all the other cast members continues to be one of this franchise's gifts that keeps on giving. Seeing her get into it with Tina was like having an old, dreadful friend over for dinner. Of course, we can't overshadow the equally idiotic contributions from Wes, CT, and Derrick -- all of whom are back to ensure that this season will not be without its fair share of pumped up boneheads. And did I mention Tyler was around too? Yes, it's a TVgasm overload.
The premiere episode began with random footage of Brazil, complete with soccer players and their blurred out jerseys. After a few seconds of this, we then headed to an airport where we saw Johnny Bananas (a.k.a. John from Key West) emerging in the baggage claim section. I was instantly happy to see him as he's been one of the rare cast members whose on-air presence I've actually enjoyed. However, for every yin there is a yang, and counterbalancing Johnny was none other than tantastic blockhead Kina, who already had her trademark overdramatic scowl on her face. We also saw our old friend CT, who had sadly reverted from his cool buzzcut to that mess of hair he had sported in Paris. Needless to say, he looked like an idiot. Scratch that. I meant to say, a bigger idiot.
The whole cast then boarded some buses and stared at various Brazilian slums as they drove by. Since I'm so used to The Amazing Race and its whole notion of "character development," I half expected some observations about the landscape these jerks were driving through, but no, we just headed towards the party house where the bacchanalia would begin. However, we did learn a few interesting things from the cast. Diem informed us that she was in remission with her cancer, and more importantly, Casey revealed that "With my prize money from the Fresh Meat challenge, I got a boob job! ...Probably the best purchase of my life." Hey, at least she's honest about it. See you in Playboy!
Oh, and for all you wondering, the most miserable couple of all (outside of Danny and Melinda) are still together. That's right, Wes and Johanna are still an item, and furthermore, Wes told us he wanted to win money so he could start a life with Johanna. Here's an idea: if you want money to start a family, how about GETTING A CAREER. Of course, that requires someone to have an appreciable amount of skill or intellect or knowhow, three things that we're pretty sure Wes doesn't have (and no, a "groupie drawer" does not qualify as "intellect"). Nevertheless, if the idea of Wes and Johanna starting a life together sounds bone-chiling, brace yourself because it only got worse. He announced to us that he wanted to get married and "have little Wesses running around." Not only would this be detrimental to society as a whole, but just imagine, if you can, what a bunch of little Wesses would be like, especially if they were girls. Actually, it's not that hard to imagine a She-Wes:
The point is that Wes and Johanna should never spawn, unless they wish to unleash some sort of plague on the globe. Oh, how I wish that kangaroo mauling rumor were true...
As for Beth, she popped up on screen to let us know she was back AND that she still doesn't know how to cure that blotchiness from her face. Seriously, is it rosacea or something? How does she not know how to cover that shit up already? Actually, side note: on Friday I went to a party and Beth was actually there (photos to come). Her face didn't look blotchy at all. Granted, she had a ton of makeup on, but seriously -- why can't she take care of that on TV? We the viewers have high standards, and blotchy faces are unacceptable!
Also around for this challenge was none other than Paula "KISS MY ASS!!! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS" Walnuts, who seemed shockingly normal and thankfully nourished. For her mental sake, I hope she keeps it together this season, but for my viewing sake, I hope she's a total unmitigated disaster.
Well, once the gang all arrived at the new house, everyone ran around like a bunch of idiots -- everyone but CT, who strolled along as if he were auditioning to be in The Departed 2. Evan, meanwhile, was not about to keep himself calm. He gushed, "This is a sex palace made for some serious reality hooking up, dude!" That's right. With Beth, Tina, Aneesa, and Kina around, that's what I call a fantasy! Grrrrrowl!
Meanwhile, it turned out that slow and steady (and we mean "slow" in every sense of the word) worked out well for CT. Somehow, he managed to not only land a bed before anyone else, but he wound up with the biggest bed in the biggest bedroom. "I'm already off to a good staaaht," he bragged, clearly forgetting about the giant bird's nest atop his head which had already disqualified him from having a wicked good staaht.
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