The (Real) Rape of Tommy Gavin (No, This Time I Swear) - 
by Umnata
Oh man! I wish I hadn't used The Rape of Tommy Gavin, as last week's Rescue Me recap title! But it's too perfect not to use again here (with some modifications). Remember over the past few weeks when there was all this "rape" speculation swirling around Tommy and Janet's penchant for angry, rough sex? Those were the good ol' days, because this week we get pure, unadulterated rape from none other than scorned Sheila! Last week we saw how crazy she can be when attacking her kitchen, now we get to see how crazy she can be when attacking Tommy's meatstick. Yikes. Sex was a major issue with everyone this week as developments on the Tommy & Angela Axis of Evil vs. The Dark Emperor's Janet & Johnny team heated up and the Probie Gaywatch continued to surprise (is that a LADY, you're chattin' up there Probie?). Alas, Lou still isn't getting any, but let's focus on the positive, shall we?
Speaking of sex, it's only appropriate that the episode start off with the great Porno Hunt of 2006. Something tells me that B-Side might still be covering Treasure Hunters if they took a page from the FDNY Headquarters Porno Squad's sticky book. Capt. Jerry walks in mid-raid, as the Porno Squad is coming up empty. Capt. Jerry goes on a rant defending his firemen. Capt. Jerry tells the guy leading the Porno Squad, who is an old firefighter buddy of of his who is now a fireman-bureaucrat (aren't they the worst kind) to go back to HQ and tell the big boss man to kiss his white Irish ass.
DON'T WORRY. THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW
If his guys want to rub one out to relax in between running in and out of burning buildings then so be it. I never thought I'd be on such a pro-circle jerk bandwagon, but Capt. Jerry makes an amazingly valid point. If these incredibly brave guys want to spend their down time sodomizing midgets or watching midgets get sodomized on DVD, then by God, we owe that much. Peace out Porno Squad leader! The boys start applauding the Capt. but they aren't about to pull the cumrag over Capt. Jerry's eyes. He opens the door to the Ladder 62 fire truck, and the hidden porn stash suddenly appears. Now just imagine the Fogals or Wild Hanlons finding that, and you've got an episode of Treasure Hunters that is worth recapping.
Colleen is at her school's grief counselor, with Tommy on hand for moral support and some piggyback therapy. Colleen can't understand why she's there, as she doesn't see the problem with calling her French teach a bitch and smacking a classmate. Tommy defends her actions: "Well, she is French..." The grief counselor starts asking Colleen about Connor, but Colleen cuts her off saying that yes, she's sad. She used to cry a lot and it didn't help. So she stopped crying and started kicking ass and taking names. She feels much better now. Sounds like a good grief strategy to me. The GC tells Colleen that she just needs some time to process her grief.Collen's very Gavin-like respone? "Process these bitch!"
THAT'S SOOOO NOT W.J.W.D.
Colleen leaves the room, and Tommy starts asking very thinly veiled questions about his own grief. I mean, Michael Jackson inquiring about adopting at a Boys' Orphanage is more subtle than Tommy is right now. He asks the GC what the top 3 reasons for "Colleen's" crying jags could be. Just to make it a little more festive the GC counts them down a la The Late Show with David Letterman. Okay, she didn't but I will! I even want Paul Schaeffer making inane comments in the background. The top 3 reasons for "Colleen's" Crying Jags Are:
3) Hormones
2) Trouble Expressing Herself
And the top reason for "Colleen's" Crying Jags issssss:
1) Survivor's Guilt!
LET'S HERE MORE ABOUT THIS SURVIVOR'S GUILT YOU SPEAK OF
Tommy loves this survivor's guilt theory. That explains everything for him, err, Colleen. The next step, of course, is medication. What kind of pills can we put "Colleen" on? Cricket. Not even a half dose? Cricket. Bummer.
At the firehouse the guys might be flush with porn but not with cash: The $1850 in the smoking kitty/can is gone. Franco doesn't want to make accusations, but let's torture the guys who worked overnight until one of them cracks. Lou is appalled. They can't just go around accusing their brothers! Besides Lou just spent an hour zapping one of the nightshift guys' balls with a lamp wire, and he got nothing out of them. Thank you Jack Bauer for making every around the house item a potential weapon of torture. Then they realize: The Porno Squad. Anyone evil enough to steal a man's porn stash, is definitely capable of stealing a few grand.
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