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Dilana tells Tommy that playing with Gilby was definitely a dream-come-true. That's one of the reasons she went for that song. "I want to turn around some day and say 'I played with Gilby Clarke'." Fortunately for Dilana, I made a special t-shirt to commemorate the moment. Gilby is so impressed he tells Dilana that he has no doubt a woman can front their band. Especially if they don't hump his leg.

Speaking of leg-humpers, Jill is up next, singing "Mother Mother" by Tracy Bonham. I don't know what's wrong with Jill tonight, but with her outfit and mannerisms she is she totally putting out a Rebecca Corry-vibe. Except I actually laugh at Jill. Instead of using Last Comic Standing as a reference, TheDave says Jill reminds him of Carmella Soprano, and he's afraid to say anything negative because he might get whacked. I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not, but TheDave probably isn't either.

Ryan Star is going to sing "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones. At least I think it's Ryan. That, or the producers will just let any wackjob with a black hoodie and a mic get up on stage. Except for the freakshow entrance, it's actually a really good performance. Maybe the theatrics played better in the club, but on television, his entrance was kind of silly. Especially on my new Sharp AQUOS HDTV. The band and TheDave all loved Ryan's performance. Gilby says he doesn't know what happened, but the last couple weeks Ryan has been killing it. Tommy says he knows exactly what happened: Ryan got laid because of last week's performance. You can always count on Tommy to remind us of the important things in life. He should really consider starting his own line of greeting cards.

Brooke says we've seen Storm's theatrical side, or, as TheDave calls it, her "crazy-eyes-thing." Storm is singing "We Are The Champions" by Queen. It's ai'ght. TheDave and Jason both liked it, as does Tommy, but he's worried that they might have scared her into toning it down too much. Not to worry, as Storm promises to spank the crap out of them next week. I hope she dresses as a teacher.

While we're on the subject of Storm, there's something about her that really bugs me: what's up with her dancing during every song? She is so totally that girl you see at every club. You know the one I'm talking about. Sloppy drunk, standing in front of the speakers, oversinging the words to every song, spilling her drink everywhere, rubbing her tits up against you... Come to think of it, I like seeing Storm dance through everyone's song.

And now the moment we've all been waiting for: Zayra! Brooke says every week the world has two questions: "What's the weather like?" and "Do these pants make my butt look big?" Actually, the second question is what is Zayra going to be wearing next. Tonight, it's a sparkly gold body suit, black platform shoes and matching stovepipe hat. I think it might be the same one Daniel Day Lewis wore in "Gangs of New York". I just hope that Leo doesn't bumrush the stage and kill her mid-performance.

As for the song, she's singing "All The Young Dudes" by David Bowie, with Magni on guitar. (I guess that's how he's paying for his family's plane tickets. That, or he lost a big bet.) A lot of you have been giving me grief for jumping so firmly on the Zayra bandwagon (none more so than the one and only mrs. copygodd), but after witnessing tonight's performance (not to mention outfit) how can you blame me? Zayra has it all, as long as you don't define "all" as to include any actual talent. But she does sport a mean camel toe. At times I think she's actually singing "Hey Jude" instead of her chosen song, but that's just what makes Zayra so Zayra.

TheDave says if the show were called Rock Star: Planet Pluto, she'd win by a landslide. Gilby says he's digging her showmanship, but she needs to watch her tone, as she was flat during a lot of her performance. Jason gets straight to the point: "Did you wow yourself?" Zayra says yes! Maybe those Ben Wa balls really do work.

Josh is up next, singing "Interstate Love Song" by STP. Just as he's getting ready to start, Tommy Lee interrupts and says he wants to play the drums. And just like that, T-Lee is banging the skins. (Skinbanger would be a better name for this band.) I don't know if it's the fact that he's playing in front of Tommy or that he's playing a guitar and not doing his funky white boy thing, but Josh seems a little off tonight. Tommy agrees, saying he wished Josh weren't playing guitar during that song, because it "freezes up his funk." Hey, maybe I should've done that before I got my vasectomy a few weeks back. Based on my standings in the Moderator poll, I bet I could get a pretty penny for some frozen funk on eBay.

After the break, it's Magni's turn. Tonight, he's doing an acoustic version of "The Dolphin's Cry" by Live. I don't know if I've mentioned it here or not, but I hate Live. So I'm not really a fair judge of Magni's performance. I will say it's better than Live's version, though. But really, that's like saying Gary Gulman is funnier than explosive diarrhea. Which he is. Barely.

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Posted by copygodd on August 9, 2006 11:58 AM