Hero to Zero - 
by Amanda
Oh, how I love the results show of So You Think You Can Dance. We get to cut down this ridiculous, bloated cast, moving us ever closer to our noble goal of ... um, finding somebody a job backup dancing for Celine Dion. We get to watch the soloists twist in the wind, frequently in atrocious clothing, with no one to stand in front of them and hide their shame. Nigel stops trying to suppress his rage, with results that are often quite delicious. Best of all, the results show is only one hour long. One sweet, crisp, concise little hour. On Thursdays, the television gods are kind.
The opening number makes me grin, as the girls all come out in matching red tracksuits and the boys in black ones. They dance to "Poison" by Bell Biv DeVoe, once again confirming that this show's aesthetic sensibility is firmly planted in 1991, which is what makes it so much fun to watch.
Cat ruins my fun by wearing a simple, unobjectionable black dress with a white bodice. Apparently, no one liked my idea about the panda suit, or maybe this is just a very subtle homage. Her hair is a little overly formal; she kind of looks like she's going to prom.
And your 2006 prom queen is....
I settle in for several eons of boredom waiting for the important part of the show to start. Sure enough, we start with a recap of last night, which, as usual, includes just enough new footage to prevent me from actually fast-forwarding through it. The show bashes us over the head with the theme of "Natalie and Musa are really a couple," with Cat voicing over that some couples "seemed like they've been together forever" over some pretty non-revealing footage of Musa offering Natalie a glass of water. Wow, racy. If that's the best they could do for couple-y footage, maybe these two are actually not together after all.
Can't you just feel the heat rising off of your screen?
In the flashbacks, Aleks claims to be excited before her dance, but as usual she appears to have an iron pole rammed up her spine. We see more evidence that Dmitry backs Aleks in a way he never did with Joy, as he defends her performance backstage after the judging. Natalie crosses herself before the quick step. Hee.
We get a repeat of Nigel drooling all over himself as he waxes poetic to Ryan about "the way you beat her bongos! God!" Heidi quietly takes out a restraining order. Allison and Ivan are adorably exuberant backstage after getting big, wet, sloppy kisses from the judges. Figurative ones, that is. Had to clarify that, because you never know with this show.
We go to commercial without a single thing having happened, and when we come back, the judges talk about how great everyone was last night. Mary singles out Ivan, comparing him to Seabiscuit. Nigel tells us that Ivan got a congratulatory phone call from his dad at six this morning, and he forces Ivan to elaborate. Ivan tells us that his dad was "kind of like whatever" about his dance career up until last night, but now he's much more supportive.
There is a cute story about Ivan's dad's co-workers sitting him down at work and making him watch the whole show with them. I don't know where Ivan's dad works, but I like that visual. I think I like it best if he's, say, a mechanic or a welder. Then everybody at Ivan's dad's work could get inspired by the show and spontaneously break into a choreographed dance routine, and it would be just like Flashdance, or that Simpsons episode with the gay steel mill. Oops, I didn't mean to suggest that Ivan's dad works in a gay steel mill. Where am I? I think I forgot to take my medication.
I bet Nigel was hoping Ivan would cry when he told this story. But he didn't.
Finally we get to the initial lineup. We start with the two couples that did the amazing Latin dances; that choreographer should be so proud of himself. Allison and Ivan are safe. Heidi and Ryan are safe. That's cool, because both of these couples have been in the bottom three before, so at least some of the voting is based on the dancing and not on popularity. There's a funny moment where Ryan gets caught on Heidi's mike or her dress or something, and they have to run off of center stage literally tethered together.
When this show pairs you up with someone, you better not try to get away.
In keeping with the generally retro feel of the show (and the fact that she looks like '80s sitcom actress Kimberly Russell), Ashlee is wearing her Debbie Gibson hat. Ashlee and Ben are NOT safe - they have to go stand "in the danger zone." Martha and Travis are safe, despite the fact that all the judges seemed to feel they had one of the weakest routines of the night.
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