Dmitry and Ashlee hug and he lifts her way up off the stage. It's cute that he likes her so much. Mary says she's totally in shock that Allison is in the bottom group. How does Mary do that trick where she talks, but her mouth is wide open and her teeth are exposed the entire time? She's like the opposite of a ventriloquist. Anyway, she's allegedly speechless. Nigel says that he's not quite as surprised, because Allison and Ivan were kind of boring. Those aren't his exact words, but that's the gist of it. This seems like revisionist history to me, because I'm pretty sure he gushed about the dance last night. As for myself, I can't really comment because the only thing I noticed about that dance was the pants. They blinded me to everything else happening onstage. In fact, I am going to go on record right now with my theory that Allison is in the bottom group because of those pants, nothing more, nothing less. Ah, the power of trousers.

They dance for their lives, and Jessica goes first. She does ballet - spins, jumps, kicks, pointe, with a few saucy non-ballet hip wiggles thrown in. It's better than she did last week, I think. Jessica interviews that she thinks she's in the bottom six because she isn't great at hip-hop, basically. Fair enough. I can't help but notice that she isn't filling up that bustier. Seriously, who dresses this woman? Does she have a five-year-old stylist who practices on her Barbies?

You could fit a lot of dollar bills in there.

Next is James "Jaymz" Tuaileva. Oh my God, what is he doing? He's trying to impersonate Dmitry, is what he's doing. He has a red cloth like a matador, and he's doing a whole matador thang, to some weird melodramatic drums. He has on a Dmitry-style black vest and black pants. This is all very Single White Female - I'm afraid he's going to throw Dmitry's puppy out of a window. Unfortunately, he can't dance like Dmitry, and his routine ends up mostly amounting to a bunch of spins and jumps. It's lame, except when he does a hard-core split at the end. Cat asks him whether his routine was inspired by Nigel's criticism last week, and he says no - he "just woke up and said, 'I'm gonna do some paso. Let's do it.'" Hey, James "Jaymz" Tuaileva, were you having a dream about Dmitry right before you woke up and said that? Just wondering.

Plagiarism is fun.

Heidi is next. She dances to Tina Turner singing "Proud Mary," and she decides to just copy Tina Turner. Every single move she does is a move that Tina Turner would do (if she physically could). I think maybe Tina Turner's puppy should look out too. Also, Heidi is wearing a dress that is cut from the same evil cloth as Allison's pants from last night. Seriously, it's the same exact thing, a tube with so much fringe on it that when you spin, you double in size. I think this is Heidi's worst routine ever, and it showcases none of her talents.

More from the Clothes That Eat People department.

Ryan does the same kind of dance he always does, with lots of leaping and nice extensions. He changes it up by trying to make it more soulful, with some slow R&B music and a little bare-chested writhing around. I always think that Ryan is perfectly fine, if never spectacular, and this is no exception. I kind of like him, but I don't think it's weird for him to be in the bottom three guys. Cat asks Ryan about tension between him and Heidi, but he says she's great. He interviews that he loves being on the show. Not that exciting, but it's cute when he smiles.

Allison goes next and her dance kind of confuses me, because she's just trying to do as many moves as she can possibly fit into one minute, even though her music is slooooow and acoustic. I think she successfully showcases her technical ability with this solo, but totally fails when it comes to putting together something that's easy and fun to watch. Allison interviews that all the contestants are great dancers and it's a crazy rollercoaster being on the show. I'm starting to think she might be just a tiny bit boring.

Ivan is last. He does a fun little hip-hop dance. It's exactly the opposite of Allison's - it's very entertaining to watch, but doesn't display that much physical prowess. I like it, though. I mean, his job is to entertain me. Ivan is goofy and young in his interview, offering to shine the judges' shoes. Cat sends the judges backstage and brings out Ne-Yo.

Y'all, I am embarrassed to admit this, but I don't even know who Ne-Yo is. His song is called "Sexy Love," and it's fine, and he doesn't lip-sync. Ne-Yo is wearing a fedora, which I always like. I notice he's a pretty good dancer his own damn self. I wonder whether I am the only person who doesn't know who he is, or whether the show has already exhausted its supply of famous musical guests. I mean, there's a certain level of fame that's all they can shoot for. Nelly Furtado, Rihanna, Natasha Bedingfield - I know all of these people, but it's not like they're about to book Beyoncé next week or something, you know? I guess we are probably building to a big finale in which the musical guest will be Celine Dion. Um, I have this feeling I might be out sick that week.

Ne-Yo and his backup dancers are all in the Witness Protection Program.

Posted by Amanda on July 10, 2006 11:17 PM