Are You Ready For Some of John Madden's Super-Fat Face? - 
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More commercials. Okay, I was aware that Freddie Prinze, Jr had snagged a sitcom deal, but nobody told me that Brian Austin Green, Jr. was co-starring. I feel like this is a joke me and my friends made up in 1999. Remind me to tell you about the time I was on a movie set with B.A.G. and Ian Ziering -- great story that involves me actually having my girlfriend call IZ Steve Sanders. That went over really well.
Somewhere it became the second quarter, and Pittsburg just scored on a pass from Ruffledogs to Hines Ward. Nice play. Madden says Ward is "tough." Al Michaels says he may have actually been tackled with a fingernail? Did I hear that right? Whatever -- I don't really care -- I'm actually working on that Freddie Prinze part of this right now.
If people find out I'd rather write about Freddie Prinze, Jr. than watch a football game, is that going to do anything to my rep? I think there was a fingernail penalty and another touchdown. Either way, it's 7-0 Pittsburgh with 5 minutes left in the 2nd.
We get to go down to Sam Ryan on the sideline. Between her name and voice, I think she was recently a man, but she's got that "10 beers later she's the hottest chick I've ever seen" thing going on for sure. I've had 16, so everything's A-OK here:
Rufflebunions is described as big, strong, and able to shed tacklers by Al Michaels. Trust us when we say it sounded super gay. Even Madden was like "You going gay on us, Al?" Referee Jeff calls a hoading penalty. Huh? Oh, he meant holding. I have a new favorite thing to say. Try it. Hoading.
TOUCHDOWN PITTSBURGH!!!! 14-0. I made an agreement with myself that if this turns into a blowout, I'm switching over to that new CBS show with Doogie Howser, which is actually really good. I can't believe I'm rooting for the Steelers. 14-0 Iron City.
TOUCHDOWN SAN DIEGO! Antonio Gates, Bill's illegitimate son, scores big and locks us into this for probably another quarter. 14-7 Poopburgh. There's :34 left in the half -- Pittsburgh has a couple timeouts. They may try to score. This was all very suspenseful, and we'll try to convey that for you now. They didn't score -- half-time.
Half-time was going to get skipped in recap land, but they've got Arnold freaking Schwarzenegger in the booth! This is great -- we're not like one of these crazy CA liberals (see: how to piss off 75% of your readers) - we love the Austrian Oak, plus we can separate politics from world-changing performances.
Al and Arnold are sitting really close to each other, and Arnold says that as governor, he will bring the NFL back to Los Angeles. He implies there will be a vote next spring, and maybe there's a team back here in 2009. By the way, is John Madden taking a nap or something? Where the hell did he go? Anyway, Arnold charms millions and likes the Chargers to win the game tonight.
Jim Belushi is next, star of the hit sitcom According To Jim. He says nothing. Literally. It's hilarious. They just sit there and stare at each other. Okay, now I'm just making things up.
The 2nd half starts, with Panitzburgh kicking off to San Diego. This half is going to be INCREDIBLE.
Oh my god, I passed out. Let me catch up -- with 1:58 left in the fourth quarter, the Chargers are winning 22-21. Pittland has the ball in Charger territory. Ronadabiggers is apparently hurt, by the way.
They're going for a 40-yard field goal
"Everything is perfect. Snap. Hold. Kick." Al Michaels, October 10, 2005.
Petetown wins!!! San Diego is sad. :(
Final score is 24-22. Al says good night. John eats a stack of pancakes. Music. Credits. Local news. Sweet, sweet freedom.
When not struggling through Monday Night Football, FauxMichael is known as The Cavalier, and writes about the NBA at YAYsports!, which just yesterday launched its NFL blog, YAYfootball! Click-thru #15,605 wins $1,000,000 and a date with Kaysar.
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Comments
Faux Michael=fabulous.
Donyell=Ludacris.
Made me laugh so hard I got teary...*sniff*
Go sleep it off, Faux! :)
Posted by: Helenann | October 11, 2005 2:00 AM(#1 of 22)
OMG, this was awesome. More! More!
San Diego is sad. :( HA!
Posted by: Jess | October 11, 2005 5:51 AM(#2 of 22)
they are called the Browns 2.0
Hey, at least your not a Dallass fan.
Posted by: EdHillHill | October 11, 2005 6:10 AM(#3 of 22)
i am a browns fan too live in on the east coast of ohio on the river close pittsburgh. so i am always wanting the squeelers to loose. and i love the way you kept spelling big bens name!
Let's Go Cleveland!! Woof Woof!!
Posted by: whome?? | October 11, 2005 7:34 AM(#4 of 22)
art modell is the anti-christ.
go browns!
Posted by: copygodd | October 11, 2005 8:13 AM(#5 of 22)
Cleveland sucks. But they beat the Bears (I live in Chicago) so that made me hapy.
If the Steelers have a better record going into Sundays than the Bears (husband's team) then I get the big tv.
Go Steelers!
Posted by: kimmy | October 11, 2005 9:02 AM(#6 of 22)
Dear Sir,
PittsburgH
You got it halfway through the recap, but still.
PS. The Browns suck.
Love,
A Die-hard Steelers fan.
Posted by: norrinator | October 11, 2005 9:09 AM(#7 of 22)
That was seriously one of the funniest things I've read in a really long time. Keep it up. Might also want to look into College Game Day on ESPN--Nick Lachey makes cameos!
Posted by: lemony | October 11, 2005 10:22 AM(#8 of 22)
norrinator,
I ditto that.
Sincerely,
Ben Toothlessberger's wife
PS There was a lot of mentioning of 'hard pounding' during the game.
Posted by: Tootie | October 11, 2005 1:50 PM(#9 of 22)
This site has had some damn funny recaps, and this one is certainly up there with the best I've read. I hope you do more MNF recaps, but just make sure to maintain your lack of exposure to today's NFL. That was a big part of what made this recap so hilarious.
Posted by: Sir Jiggabins | October 11, 2005 4:24 PM(#10 of 22)
Go to Hell, Art Modell
--to be chanted before each and every Brownie game
A Browns AND Steelers fan
(yes, we actually do exist)
Posted by: Brilliant, Oh | October 11, 2005 5:08 PM(#11 of 22)
kimmy,
You're a fuck. The Bears are the best.
sincerely,
The Svan
Posted by: The Svan | October 11, 2005 5:47 PM(#12 of 22)
Go Steelers! Funny recap, but you didn't mention the guy hurdling over the defender after the interception. That was awesome to watch!
Posted by: Dana | October 11, 2005 8:17 PM(#13 of 22)
I love reading your recaps on the reality shows, but c'mon...this just sucked..I can see that you hate sports, but this game was AWESOME! This made me not like you very much.
HERE WE GO STEELERS HERE WE GO! PITTSBURGH'S GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!
Posted by: Angie | October 11, 2005 8:36 PM(#14 of 22)
Hey Angie you genius, did you read the end? The guy runs a sports blog site! Yeah I'm sure he hates sports! lol
Posted by: Rip | October 11, 2005 8:39 PM(#15 of 22)
Did anyone else happen to catch the big ben interview during some random let's show our super nifty graphic and meet the quaterback segment? Apparently Ben feels the best place to meet chicks is on the internet...weird.
PITTSBURGH STEELER TIME!
Posted by: sammy | October 12, 2005 12:58 AM(#16 of 22)
"I think there was a fingernail penalty and another touchdown."
nice :)
I certainly hope MNF re-caps are going to be staple 'gasm fare and FauxMichael is perfect for the job.
YAYfootball re-caps!
Posted by: Laura | October 12, 2005 5:02 AM(#17 of 22)
i wasn't going to read this because i couldn't care less about worthlessburger (despite the fact that i went to muohio.edu with him), but when i saw it was written by a browns fan i couldn't resist. faux michael is quickly becoming my favorite guest writer...go browns!
Posted by: ldini79 | October 12, 2005 6:16 AM(#18 of 22)
Pittsburgh ain't going to the Super Bowl. You're going down to the Patriots in January. Again. They could beat you with Tom Brady and a team of Munchkins and Oompa-Loompas. Then, we're going to Indy and then we're going to Detroit and we're going to take home another Super Bowl. YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, let me tell you how ugly Pittsburgh is. Everyone there has Bill Cowher mustaches, even the women. If the city were to institute a mandatory burkha-wearing dress code for women in public, men would be much better off. Then again, they're all corpulent creeps anyways.
Has a good TV show ever been set in Pittsburgh? Queer As Folk sucks and blows (pun intended). Nobody watched The Guardian. And Mr. Belvedere doesn't count since it took place in Beaver Falls.
Yeah, the Dirty O rocks and Primanti Brothers has great food, but in terms of entertainment and culture, Pittsburgh has none.
Clones, I'm out.
Posted by: The Dogg Pound | October 12, 2005 10:10 AM(#19 of 22)
No, come on---tell us how you REALLY feel about Pittsburgh.
Posted by: cece | October 12, 2005 10:27 AM(#20 of 22)
Damn San Diego! Recap was great!
GO EAGLES!!!!!!! (thank goodness we have a bye this week)
Posted by: E-A-G-L-E-S | October 12, 2005 11:42 AM(#21 of 22)
I love a Pittsburgh hater.
Posted by: Alex | October 13, 2005 8:54 AM(#22 of 22)