As usual, this tenth iteration of the reality franchise began somewhat ostentatiously with Jeff Probst zooming around on a motorboat. Thankfully, the military extravaganza that followed All Stars last year was absent. Apparently the island nations realized these contestants were not, in fact, nuclear bombs.

Jeff gave us a nice little tour of the area, but you know he really got his rocks off when he boasted about the perils of the local seas. We saw sharks, jellyfish, sting rays, and a massive underwater vagina. Oh wait, that was just a giant clam. Above water, we encountered our latest batch of survivors rowing across the sea quietly, perhaps bewildered by the lack of gym equipment floating amongst the waves.

Probst motored up next to the contestant and pointed out their beach which was about a mile away. Once there, they would find two immunities —  one for a guy, one for a girl (finders keepers). It was up to the survivors to decide how they'd get there: paddle or swim. With that, Jeff revved his engine to life and sailed away. Moments later, a flock of doves and peacocks descended from the heavens and carried the Probst vessel back to Television City in Hollywood.

After some brief confusion on Coby's part, the group decided to row closer to shore, and as their boat neared dry land, kooky English teacher Wanda rose to her feet and began singing some crazy "We are Survivors!" song to the tune of "Heart and Soul". Personally, I was shocked she didn't then segue into a rousing rendition of "Follow the Fold!" Wanda later commented, "I'm all about this being one big party as long as it lasts." I get the feeling Wanda's definition of "party" probably revolves around apple juice, some banjo, and a touch of LSD.

Eventually, the boat veered close enough to the beach that Stephanie and Jonathan decided to jump ship and make a swim for it. The two dove in gracefully (actually, Jonathan's dive was sort of like a retarded kangaroo hop), and almost immediately, we knew it was a mistake. That's because upon hitting the water, the patented Survivor "stupid music" began. You know the type: you hear a few tom toms that go "Blom... blom blom blom.... blom blom," and you can just imagine Mark Burnett standing off to the sidelines making a LOSER gesture on his forehead.

In time though, everyone jumped into the water, including Angie who nearly blinded me with her pasty white thighs. Ian and Jolanda snagged the immunities first, and with that first challenge over, everyone introduced themselves and got to work building the shelter and finding water. To their dismay, the survivors were not given any supplies whatsoever and weren't even split into two tribes. Oh Mark Burnett. You and your twists. Wanda, meanwhile, alerted us that she'd prepared all sorts of songs for the experience, which makes me really optimistic that we'll be seeing a novelty record on the shelves soon. Apparently she collaborated with Lil' John and Usher. We can only cross our fingers for a cameo by Ludacris.

Anyway, a group of five survivors set out to find fresh water, and after a little bit of searching, they came across it in the middle of what seemed to be a golf course. Seriously, it looked like there was even a road in the background. So does this mean the survivors were stranded on an island resort? Maybe Fiji? (somewhere, the cast of Real World: Philadelphia just broke out into screams of delight at the mere mention of "Fiji").

Is that a road behind Angie?

Along with water, the survivors also found a sack of shoes. Just like a real survival situation! As the group headed back to the main beach, Coby and Angie quickly bonded as the two pegged each other as the tribe outcasts. Why? Was it because Coby's gay and Angie's got lots of tattoos? No, silly. It's because they're both mildly overweight! No abs = no acceptance!

Back at the camp, Janu — who resembles a polynesian Troll doll — scampered up a pine tree to help build the shelter. You know she totally smoked pot afterwards. If she didn't bring a hookah as her luxury item, I would be very surprised. Nay, disappointed.

Posted by B-side on February 22, 2005 3:21 PM