The next morning, an ominous, sockless figure walked through the woods to the survivor. Was it a real castaway, happy to finally reach civilization? Or maybe was it Gary Sinise showing up to promote this week's CSI: NY? Actually, it was neither. It was predictably Jeff Probst who shunned his usual maritime entrance for a surprise jaunt through the forestry. Jeff had everyone stand together as a group, including Wanda in her sex-ay slip, and pulled Ian and Jolanda out of the crowd. He told them that they'd each pick someone from the opposite sex for their tribes. That person would then, in turn, pick someone else from his or her opposite sex. So basically, we'd be alternating by gender. The big twist though was that each team would only have nine members, and oh, by the way, there were twenty survivors. Two would be going home. Smell ya later Wanda!

The picking was relatively predictable with the old people and Angie being saved for last. What baffled me though was how so many rounds could go by while Ibrehem —  a.k.a. the tall, super-cut black man — stood there unpicked. Was he missing a leg or something? I suppose he fell victim to the Osten/Clarence reputation: jacked black men who severely disappoint the tribe. That's the only reason I can come up with to explain why Kim chose doughy hick James over Ibrehem.

Gosh, that jacked guy in the middle won't be of any help with the physical activities

In the end, Wanda and Jonathan failed to make the cut. I was a little surprised about Jonathan's ouster, seeing that he appeared to be a young, energetic buck. However, with Caryn being the last woman to choose a guy, it was obvious that she'd pick Willard over Jonathan as a potential ally for herself (they're both over the age of 28). The two non-popular rejects hopped into a boat, and as they floated away, Wanda rose to her feet and once again performed her little Survivor song. We then cut to Jonathan whose sad facial expression seemed to say "I have to ride back to America with this old bat? This sucks. I hate me."

See ya at the Grammys!

On shore, Probst distributed the tribal buffs —  one for Ulong (not to be confused with Oolong tea) and another for Koror (not to be confused with Passover staple, Maror). After Ian sniffed his buff like it was a pair of Adam Duritz's used undies (he's a big Counting Crows fan, according to his bio, Jeff left the two tribes to co-habitate the same beach. "It's definitely gonna be weird all staying on the same beach," said Angie to Stephanie, who responded, "BE QUIET, NON MODEL!"

Ian's tribe, Koror, immediately sat in a circle and held an orientation meeting. Greg insisted that they'd have to use their brains since their average age was higher. Yes, in a tragically unbalanced outcome, Koror's group of old fogeys wound up with an average age of only 30, as opposed to Ulong's spry age of 28.

Actually, turns out those extra years of wisdom on Koror were just what they needed as they approached this episode's first big challenge, an obstacle course. Probst greeted the tribes as he stood next to a mysterious object sheathed in a blanket. He told Ian and Jolanda to remove their immunity necklaces, and then said, "This is what you covet now!" Jeff then removed the blanket and revealed... a miniature idol of Jeff Probst! "Behold! BEHOLD! Bow down before your demigod and marvel at the power of KHAKI!" he screamed as thunder clapped in the skies above. Unfortunately, Bobby Jon refused to genuflect, causing Probst to unleashe a torrent of fire from his mouth, quickly roasting the survivor into a burnt skeleton.

Actually, none of that happened. Instead, Jeff only revealed this season's team immunity idol. He then explained the rules of the challenge. Teams would have to go through some net things and whole other bunch of shit before arriving at several crates of supplies. Teams could take as many or as few supplies as they wanted, but they'd have to carry them through the rest of the obstacle course. Basically, whoever won immunity would also win the supplies they had taken.

The two teams started off neck and neck in the course, but then Koror's three extra brain cells kicked in. They opted to only take fire (no food, water, or any other comfort) so that they could move on quickly and get through the course with a lighter load. Ulong, however, came to a near halt as they decided which supplies they wanted. I half expected musac to come piping in as these people perused the goods like bored window shoppers on Melrose Avenue. Ultimately, Ulong grabbed food and water, but no fire. I guess their plan was to cook the food with their hunger.

In the end, Koror won immunity and fire. Jeff then offered them the choice to go back to the beach with Ulong or travel to a new beach instead. Unsurprisingly, Koror opted for the new beach, and like that, all the big twists of the season came to an anticlimactic end. Honestly, why even have them on the beach together in the first place? And every season lately it seems like the survivors are stripped of their possessions, only to have them returned within the first three days. Seriously, what's the point? These twists are just like window dressing on the formula. I don't really mind them, but at least follow through a little bit more. Now someone please hold my hand as I step down from this soapbox.

Posted by B-side on February 22, 2005 3:21 PM