At the outset of this week's show, things were not going so well for the Koror tribe. They were cold, wet, and surrounded by rats. The next morning, they realized they had wandered into a crack den in Brooklyn. Janu had a particularly difficult time with the rats, and not even her oversized Edna Mode glasses could help scare them away. "I know it's mind over matter, but I mind and it matters!" she said. Oooh, I love the Janu-ization of a cliché! Let's do another: "A stitch in time saves nine, but I stitch and I don't have time" or "An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but I'm an apple and I need a doctor!" Hmmm... I'll leave the bon mots to Janu, a.k.a. the Mae West of Palau.

Particularly upset about the beach was Caryn, who without looking at her bio is clearly a lawyer from Manhattan (looked at the bio: raised in New York, but is a lawyer in Ohio now). I hope Caryn wrangles in a huge class action case, if only so we can give Annie Potts some work during the inevitable Lifetime Television dramatization.

Meanwhile, over at Ulong, the team was still reeling (read: elated) from the loss of Jolanda at Tribal Council. Now everyone could do what they wanted without someone yelling in their ears, reasoned James. "We're gonna do democracy!" he then added proudly. So apparently Jolanda was imposing some sort of totalitarian regime on the island? Or maybe she'd espoused a feudal rule. EIther way, doesn't matter. She was gone, and now James, newly emancipated from brutal serfdom, was ready to get down with the U. S. of A. in Palau. Yeehaw! First order of the new democracy: uh... um... gather pebbles?

Both tribes convened at the Reward Challenge which was an assortment of balance beams leading to flags that had to be collected and yada yada yada - just don't fall in the water and try to avoid the flying sandbags. Man, these challenges have really become elaborate. Jeff as usual asked if the survivors wanted to know what they were playing for. Before James could even take a straw vote for yay or nay (this IS a democracy, after all), Jeff told them anyway. "If you can't get food with this, you don't deserve to be out here," he said, revealing a set of fishing equipment. Okay Jeff. If you're so freakin' amazing with the fishing, why don't you go out there and haul in a seafood buffet for us, mmmkay? After all, it IS Lobsterfest. And yes, Jeff, we WILL be expecting those nice cheddar rolls too.

Anyway, the reward challenge went just about as expected. Lots of falling off the beams, lots of blurred out nip slips, and lots of slapping the water in frustration (by the way, this just in: slapping the water does NOT improve physical performance). We discovered that Bobby Jon might be this season's resident psycho as he aggressively freaked out over any mistakes made. Even after he slipped off an oil drum, he grabbed on and futilely attempted to climb back on. Ultimately, he relented with such dramatic furor that I wondered if letting go somehow caused his baby brother to die.

Katie meanwhile had issues with the simplest of tasks. She had to grab onto a rope and swing across a dusty pit. Sadly, Katie was no Tarzan as she careened into the pit wall time and time again. This is what we like to call "sad." Seriously, this girl had all the coordination of a winter squash. By the time she triumphed over the dirt pit from hell, the other team had already gained a sizable lead. Katie labored across the various structures, but her resolve soon ended as she voluntarily jumped into the water, finally succumbing to the limits of her cardio-vascular system. I'm sure Katie is very nice, but she also reminds me of every annoying high school girl who thought joining chorus gave them free reign to sing Les Miserables tunes all day long. YOU ARE NOT COSETTE!

Splat.

Nevertheless, the challenge continued after Katie's splash-tastic tour of duty. Caryn bounced along the course with the spry determination of a housewife running to JC Penney, but unfortunately she went down with a major splat. Coby tried to achieve a zen-like state before attempting to cross the course, but after honing his inner Alan Watts, he took one step and promptly cascaded into a watery demise. The good news though was that Bobby Jon finally traversed the balance beams and oil drums successfully, a wondrous feat that caused him to savagely beat his head. Control the anger Bobby Jon. Control the anger. By the way, I'd like to nominate Bobby Jon as Most Likely To Have Lived Out At Close Range. If you haven't seen the movie, rent it. You'll know what I'm talking about.

Posted by B-side on March 1, 2005 1:10 AM