We knew something was up when the episode began not with the usual lame attempts by Ulong to buck up, but with night vision shots of Koror. Wow. I didn't even know things happened at night at Koror. All our night vision is at Ulong: Kim and Jeff kissing, Jeff breaking his ankle, Ashlee sleeping alone, James muttering about seshiality. But lo! Tonight things stirred at Koror. Well, maybe "stirred" is an overstatement. Gregg and Jen have apparently joined the coupling ranks of Kim and Jeff (Keff) and Survivor Vanuatu's Julie and Jeff Probst (Jelie. Er, maybe the other way around. Jeff. No, that's no good. Juff? Julf? Jeflie? Yes, Jeflie!). Anyway, Gregg and Jen —  heretofore known as Gren or Jegg — quietly fooled around in the corner of the shelter, subtly annoying everyone around them. Coby observed that people have all paired up. We then cut to a shot of Caryn and Janu lying next to each other on the floor. Hold the presses! Caryn and Janu are a couple? That's a whole lot of lankiness.

After the Gregg and Jen complaining was over, it was time to move on to Willard who was sleeping in the hammock. For some reason, this beckoned the use of the Survivor stupid music (the tom toms, if you will). Apparently the hammock is for idiots. Anyway, as the tribe went beddy bye, they all implored Willard to keep an eye on the fire. Well, it wasn't so much that they "implored" him as they commanded him. "Watch the fire Willard!" they squawked before retiring for the evening.

Well, if you thought Willard was going to watch that fire, you had another thing coming. You don't just boss around a card carrying member of the Ed Bradley/Morgan Freeman earring club (Harrison Ford really wants to join, but, well, he's just too white). Willard simply went to sleep, leaving all fire duties to good ole Tom. Needless to say, the fireman was not happy. Hey, he fights fires. He doesn't nurture them.

Meanwhile, Ulong, a.k.a. the Washington Generals of Survivor, managed to add further embarrassment to their tribe legacy by getting lost in the jungle during a tropical storm. Their goal was to retreat to the caves and seek shelter from the torrential downpours, but instead of finding sweet relief from their waterlogged beach, the hapless group wandered around in circles for over an hour. It was kind of like Marco Polo, except instead of a pool, it was a jungle. And instead of fun, it was pathetic. Still, Bobby Jon insisted that the caves were nearby. Yes, they were just around the river bend, as Pocahantas might say. Alas, this very Lost-like excursion met with failure, and the team sullenly returned to its leaky shelter, sadly welcoming a potential pneumonia. James meanwhile dismissed Angie for wishing to end the stupid walkabout after half an hour of blind wandering. "She's one of those folks who says 'I can't do this!'" he said. Yes, tenacity just isn't in her spirit. Like the time she powered the tribe through that balance beam reward challenge. Or that time last week when she won two sumo matches (as opposed to James' record of zero). Or that challenge when she dunked Gregg in the water about ten times. Yeah, she just quits so easily.

Anyway, the morning eventually came around, and a quick shot of a rainbow led us to believe that all would be well. Instead, the Ulongians woke up cranky, deflated, and depressed. Hey guys. I have an idea. Now that it's light, why don't you make a path to the caves. I know it's a crazy idea, but just trust me. I think it might come in handy for those dark, rainy nights when you're saying to yourself "I wish we had a path to the caves."

Over at Koror, the nature shots indicated that bad things might be a-coming. We watched in Mark Burnett-induced awe as a school of fish literally jumped out of the water and birds scattered from the surf. Soon enough, a small shark emerged in the waves and attacked some unseen prey. Sadly, Ian was not present to throw a stick lightly in the shark's general vicinity.

After this naturegasm, there was more discussion about Willard's hatred of fire. Maybe he's Frankenstein's monster? I think we can all imagine Willard shouting "Fire, bad! Fire, bad! Smooth Jazz, good! So very very good!" Tom bashed Willard a little more and then we were off to our reward challenge. This was a fun one. I don't want to get into the nitty-gritty, but basically, players had to take a pulley-tugged raft out to a buoy and then dive underwater and retrieve sake bottles. First team with six bottles would win. Here's where it got interesting. The reward was a beef stew meal, but here's the catch. The winning tribe would eat the meal at Tribal Council. Here's the next catch. Both tribes would be going to Tribal Council. The winners of this challenge would vote of someone and then move to the jury bench and dine while the next tribe dealt with their Tribal Council (and watched the food hungrily). So sadistic. So wonderful.

Posted by B-side on March 17, 2005 3:54 PM