The episode began with Steph and Bobby Jon thanking each other for sticking by their words. "Bobby Jon and I, we're the two people best for the job right now," explained Steph. I wasn't sure what the "job" was, but I'll just assume it had to do with losing and/or crushed spirits. Nevertheless, it was down to two, which meant there was little for Ulong to do other than pray that one of these days, incompetency would somehow yield results.

Meanwhile, over at Koror, the plagues seemed to be descending on the merry camp. Okay, maybe just vermin. Yes, a host of rats and bugs had taken over the professionally assembled shelter, much to the dismay of all the residents. You gotta hand it to these critters. It takes a bold rat to not fear Katie's extreme tartness. Luckily, these rodents appeared to be plague-free which meant people were less apt to squeal and more likely to scoff at their presence. This predictably led to a roundtable discussion as to why now the rats had made Koror their home away from home. Tom postulated that the humans no longer seemed like a threat and therefore the rats had become emboldened. Yeah, that sounds like a nifty, Pavlov-friendly idea. But I think it has more to do with the fact that Koror is just one sloppy, nasty tribe. A quick survey of the grounds revealed that dirty junk was everywhere, including Tom's old shark head which had been mounted and rotting on a nearby tree. Yeah, well, now I know why the rats felt so comfortable: the humans were IDIOTS.

At least one person seemed to be with the program though. That's right, our old friend Coby registered dismay at the grimy condition of the camp and even went so far as to remove Tom's hallowed shark head from its perch. I personally was surprised that Ian didn't tackle Coby and yell, "You can't do that! It's sacred! If Tom finds out I let someone touch the almighty shark head, he'll lash me forty times with a cat-o-nine tails! I can't betray my master, my keeper, my lover!"

Sadly, no such moment of homoerotic passion irrupted forth from Ian. However, that's not to say tempers were calm at Koror. After disposing of the decomposing shark flesh, Coby then chastised the tribe's ladies in an interview, saying that all they do is sit around and let the men wait on them. "I'm too much of a feminist to watch this happen," he said, instantly creating one of the best Survivor lines in franchise history. His solution: vote 'em all off! Personally, I would have simply smacked them around a little bit. Okay, I wouldn't do that. But I would make Katie swing on a vine for a few hours, just to see her flop into a tree or a boulder again.

Eventually it came time for the reward challenge and sure enough, it was finally the dreaded food competition. Jeff Probst happily summoned the teams and announced "Today you'll be eating..." (Please be poop. Please be poop.) "Balut." Aw, shucks. I really wanted them to eat poop. Okay, so basically two people from each team had to square off and consume balut, an island delicacy / FDA violation. Basically, this tasty morsel was a partially formed duckling egg. Yum! Even better, the savory fetuses had beaks and feathers, making the entire experience bird-tastic! Despite all this, I'm still pretty sure eating twelve baluts is a hell of a lot easier than downing three Cadbury Cream Eggs (so sweet, so creamy, so -- my god! My teeth have instantly rotted away!!!).

After happily introducing us to Balut, Jeff Probst's rictus of sadism widened even further as he announced the teams would be playing for personal hygiene products such as mouth wash, soap, shampoo, and deodorant. Sadly, something tells me though that Ian probably never uses these things anyway. Never one to pass up a moment of hostility, Probst noted that this prize was important because "You guys reek." Caryn responded with a laugh so huge, you'd think she'd just won tickets to Tina Turner's farewell tour.

Nevertheless, it was time to get this party going. Bobby Jon and Steph went up against Batman and Robin, aka Tom and Ian. The first few rounds were fairly ordinary as the goal was to simply eat the Balut without any time restraints. Tom was more than delighted to throw in a few cocky comments like "Watch the beak" and "Got a chirp out of that one". Ironically, those are the exact same sweet nothings he and Ian whisper to each other late at night. (Man, it's really hard for two heterosexual men to be friends on reality TV. We bloggers are always trying to make them gay).

Posted by B-side on April 12, 2005 11:30 PM