Anyway, after everyone had ingested their fare share of duckling abortions, Probst announced that each duo would elect one person to battle it out in a time challenge. The first team to eat five baluts (or six. Honestly, I don't remember), would win reward. Bobby Jon volunteered for Ulong, while Tom announced that "It's gonna be Tom." Man, you know he's getting cocky when he starts referring to himself in the third person. Well, if there's anything we should know by now, it's that when Bobby Jon steps up for Ulong, Ulong loses. Sure enough, BJ crammed all the baluts in his mouth at once, but unfortunately, this strategy backfired as he soon discovered he had hardly any room to chew and swallow. Tom, meanwhile, chugged along at a consistent pace, eventually overtaking Bobby Jon and winning the reward. Probst happily raised up the basket of cleaning products and announced "You can take this back with you." He then added "Just don't get close to me. I fear that Ian's stench will forever ruin the sweet joys of odor."

We then paused for a commercial break. I mean, we didn't go to commercial. The show simply stopped so we could gaze upon the sheer cleaning action of Scope Mouthwash and Crest Toothpaste and Pantene Pro-V. Hell, I got so caught up and went and took a shower right on the spot. Speaking of which, as part of the reward, Koror also won a 55 gallon drum of fresh water for the camp. Almost immediately everyone became excited with the prospect of a shower, but Tom quickly put the kibotch on that. He ruled that the water could only be used for drinking and cooking, which is not entirely an illogical stance. Still, his authoritarian decision-making rubbed some people the wrong way, especially when he yelled "As the Grand Shark Slayer and Ruler of the Koror Tribe, I hereby declare this water sacred and holy. My manservant Ian will guard this reservoir, and only I shall decide who is worthy of replenishment by this life-giving spring." He then added, "Also, I forgot to Tivo Desperate Housewives. If someone can get me the episodes we're missing, I'll let you drink half a gallon, no strings attached."

Actually, none of that happened, but Tom did annoy several tribemates, including Jenn who just wanted to take one simple shower. She actually became quite heated in her interview as she didn't see what the big deal was. Aw Tom. Have a heart. She just wants a shower. One teeny-weeny, cute as a button shower. Aw Tom. She weally wants it. Tee-hee! But not even the sweetest gal in all of the South Pacific could melt his heart. NO WATER FOR YOU, BLONDIE!

Over at Ulong, the two losers once again licked their wounds. "I had my throat open," insisted Bobby Jon, opening up the floor for various BJ / open throat puns. Here's the thing. Having the throat open is great. But the trick to successful consumption is chewing. You know, like when you move your jaw up and down. Is any of this sounding familiar, Bobby Jon? Anything at all? Okay, never mind. Let's just go back to the blow job jokes.

Sadly, if there was anyone who needed the cleaning products, it was BJ himself. Unlike everyone else out on the islands, Bobby Jon seemed unaware that it was possible to bathe in such bizarre places as "in the sea" or "with sand." Stephenie registered disgust as she observed not only how dirty and grimy her Pigpen tribemate was, but how he had simply reverted to Neanderthal roots. This was best evidenced by watching him take out his frustration on a wayward piece of wood which he hacked with all his might. I can understand though. I mean, even the piece of wood has won immunity.

Speaking of which, the next day both tribes prepared for the next immunity challenge. Ian acknowledged that with Ulong's numbers dwindling, things at Koror would be turning bitter very soon. "We're on the verge of complete ridiculousness," he said. The verge? Judging by the goofy grin on your face and the various skeletal heads adorning camp, I'd say you've already taken the dive. But wait, maybe he was right. A few moments later he informed us that the final four would be him, Tom, Katie, and... Stephenie? Whaa? This IS ridiculousness. I've been spending so much time enjoying the fall of Ulong that I forgot there was a whole scheming aspect to this game. Let the passive aggression begin!

As for Ulong, Steph and Bobby Jon weren't even thinking about final four. They had other pressing issues, like snot rockets. Yes, Bobby Jon decided to liven up camp life with some airborne boogers, but unfortunately, Stephenie was unimpressed. After all, she's a woman who enjoys the finer things in life, like conversation and... not having mucus hurtled in her general direction. Still, the two put aside their differences to go fishing and once again, Bobby Jon hauled in another stunning bounty. This time his fish seemed to be about the size of a PSP (hey Sony, like the plug? Wanna send us a promotional one? Please???), and with protein in their bodies, the two trekked on out to the immunity challenge with the hopeful notion that they might, for once, win.

Posted by B-side on April 12, 2005 11:30 PM