With everyone gathered around, Probst snatched the immunity idol back from Koror, adding "Ulong, that means anyone can win." I suppose that was his passive aggressive way of saying "GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER YOU IDIOTS!" Anyway, the challenge was incredibly convoluted. Let's see if I can remember it. A member from each team had to swim out to a pontoon, dive underwater and free a bag of puzzle pieces, climb up on the pontoon, walk over a balance beam and swim back to shore. Then the next team member would head out, except he or she would have to swim out to a farther pontoon and so on and so forth. Think that's it? YOU'RE WRONG! Once teams had collected all four bags of puzzle pieces, they then had to fit them together on a board. First puzzle completed wins immunity, right? WRONG! Turns out the completed puzzle would form a word scramble. Teams would then have to find about twenty words and circle them. Okay. And then it would be over. NO. Teams would then have to find each instance where two words intersected. The shared letter would then have to be written down. When a team had found all the letters, they would have to use them to form a common phrase. ... ... Sorry, I was waiting for the next part of the challenge. Maybe teams would then have to lasso a giant turtle and ride it out to sea where they'd find more puzzle pieces that would form a crossword, but all the answers would be in some foreign language that would require the use of a dictionary, the pages of which had been scattered across the island. But no. Once teams formed that final phrase, then finally they would win immunity.

I felt fairly confident, as usual, that Ulong could pull this one off. After all, while they were battling Coby and Gregg, at least Tom was safely off to the side and powerless to dominate. Sure enough, Ulong garnered a sizeable lead early on. Would the tables be turning? Eh, not so fast. Bobby Jon managed to squander most of the lead when he took too long swimming out to a pontoon. Still, he and Steph did have all their puzzle pieces first; so surely this would translate to success, right?

Sigh...

As Bobby Jon had mentioned time and time again, puzzles were not the tribe's strong point. We sort of feared this might be their undoing once again, but with their momentum going strong, it seemed like the lack of brainpower might not even matter. How wrong was I. Koror not only caught up, but they pieced together their puzzle in no time, allowing them to zip through their word scramble and win immunity once again. Amazing.

Now it was the time we'd all been waiting for. What would happen to Ulong? Probst announced that Steph and Bobby Jon would be battling it out for immunity at Tribal Council. Ah, the one idea that had eluded us all. Very nice, very nice...

Since there was no need to spend the last few minutes focusing on plotting and scheming at Ulong, the producers decided to focus on Coby and his triumphant battles on Survivor. With tears in his eyes, he described how wonderful it was to be on a winning team for once. When he was a kid, he was never picked to play sports and as the years of ridicule ticked on, his self-esteem dropped, and he even quit school and... pass the tissues, please. Shame on you Mark Burnett for sneaking a four-hanky moment in on us! Actually, I didn't cry or tear up, but it was a tender moment, and it occurred to me that this world would really be a better place if we could ship people off to an island and make them starve for six weeks.

Anyway, Ulong made its way to Tribal Council where a surprisingly cheery Jeff Probst greeted the final two. Seeing that there was no use trying to instigate things, we were suddenly privy to GentleJeff™, a kind man who only wanted to hear thoughts and reflections. You see, this is what makes Jeff great. His ability to go from asshole to best bud in a wink of the eye. I had the distinct pleasure of meeting GentleJeff about eighteen months ago (at the Playboy Mansion, no less. [pause for ooohs and ahhhs]), and I was shocked at how friendly he was. He even told me to sign up for the show. I then pointed to Colby Donaldson and said "You realize I'm not this guy, right?" Chuckles all around. Needless to say, I politely rejected Jeff Probst's offer (Unless America wants to see an uncoordinated grouch falling off pontoons and looking pained, I'll be enjoying the island life from my living room, thank you very much). The point is, it's always nice to see the different sides of Probst.

Nevertheless, Jeff still wanted to know why the hell Ulong lost that day. "We just suck at puzzles," stated Steph. Yeah, that's an understatement. Give Bobby Jon one of those Fisher Price toys where you put the cube through the square hole, and I bet he'd still be working on it three hours later.

Poor Bobby Jon. It's been a tough road for him. If it weren't for the challenges, he'd be rocking Survivor. "I know where every fishing hole is," he explained. Well, not that he's actually caught any fish in those holes, but hey, he knows where they are, and that's got to count for something.

Posted by B-side on April 12, 2005 11:30 PM