Of course, just because a merge was on the horizon didn't mean that Mark Burnett was going to let Steph off the hook easily. Before she could join her rival team, she first had to endure a lonesome night on the beach with nary a teammate or painted volleyball to keep her company. To highlight her plight, Mark Burnett was sure to kick off the episode with the provocative image of a statuesque crab sitting on the evening beach. Ah yes, the crab intro. Always a favorite of mine. But unlike the usual skittish crustaceans frantically scampering across the midnight sand, this crab had a pensive quality about it which was further underscored as it quietly tiptoed off the screen as if to say "I must go now. Be well, America."

As the mysterious crab receded into the darkness of Pulau, Steph came stumbling out of the woods looking lost, confused, and still so damn sexy. She immediately tended to her fire and expressed concern over sleeping, lest her flames die out. Why the fretting? Didn't you JUST beat Bobby Jon in a kindling competition? Nevertheless, Steph did eventually catch some shut-eye, and the next morning she got to work experiencing her own personal Island of the Blue Dolphins. The first order of business: staring at the ocean. The show then cut to some massive waves heading her way. Great. Another tsunami. Actually, it turned out to be just random footage of waves that were probably three inches tall. Steph seemed unconcerned as she turned her attention to a coconut which she inefficiently hacked open with the help of a machete. Hmmm... In some ways this was really cool to watch. And in other ways, it was a little lame. It probably would have been more compelling had Steph devolved into a ravenous beast, or maybe Jody Foster in Nell.

Thankfully, we moved onto Koror which was on the verge of self-destruction. Grim, scary music played as we found our serial winners huddled around the picnic table in the grips of boredom and malaise. Ian donned a bizarre makeshift hat which did the unthinkable: made him look more goofy. I really thought he had already reached the nadir of cartoony awkwardness, but I was wrong. Anyway, the lanky dolphin trainer complained to us in an interview that various people around the camp were starting to annoy him. Would tart Katie be one of them? No. Instead, Ian directed his disapproval towards Janu. "She's like the dysfunctional aunt who lives in the attic," he explained. Wait, what? Does Ian keep his aunt in his attic? That hardly seems therapeutic. I don't want to even know how many severed dolphin heads are in his freezer.

Still, crazy Aunt Millie in the attic be damned; Ian had more axes to grind. "Coby got kind of this attitude about him," said Ian. "He's become the pouter of the tribe." Funny. I was going to say he'd become the Miss Thang of the tribe. I guess they're not mutually exclusive. Speaking of Coby, he was off in the water giving Caryn an all too sensual head scrubbing with the Pantene Pro-V. The two talked strategy, but I couldn't help but notice Caryn's disturbingly erotic reactions to the shampoo in her sensibly short, proto-feminist hair. "Proto-feminist". I don't even know what that means. It just sounded right. Anyway, Coby bitched and moaned that he had been doing all the work while the girls had just sat back and acted cute (Jenn), withered away (Janu), or swung vines into walls (Katie). The guys weren't innocent either. Coby accused them of "pretend fishing": staring at hooks and fantasizing about fish, but not actually going out and catching anything. It's funny: I pretend fish all the time. Except instead of hooks, I stare at my wallet, and instead of fish, I fantasize about money.

Meanwhile, over at Ulong - or Stephville featuring Mayor Steph and her sidekick, Sheriff Palm Frond - our solo worker was busy trying to conquer nature, or specifically, a coconut tree. She poked, shook, and even climbed this fruit-bearing plant, but alas, she only managed to wrangle in one more coconut. Luckily for her, a brand new piece of Tree Mail arrived via the Tree Postal Service. Steph weeped tears of joy as she learned it was finally time for her to join the Koror tribe. "It's a merge! I'm gonna have friends!" she exclaimed. Steph, you've been alone for twelve hours. Let's not be overdramatic. Nevertheless, she gathered her belongings, kicked Sheriff Palm Frond to the side, and headed over to Koror, triumphantly sneering, "See you later, Poo-Long!" Wow, I didn't know people talked like that outside of 1980s teen comedies.

Koror was immediately energized as Steph docked her outrigger on their shores. I can certainly understand. Prior to Stephenie's arrival, the afternoon's main entertainment had come from watching Janu sniff a flower. Anyway, the tribe welcomed its new member with open arms as everyone cooed "Heyyyyy!!!!" Yay! New member! NOW LET'S VOTE HER OFF!

Posted by B-side on April 20, 2005 1:37 AM