The Tribe Has Not Spoken - 
by B-side
Broken record time: this recap was exceptionally late due to my trip to the East Coast. To make matters worse, I actually had things to do this week. You know, like meetings and interviews. What is this? I'm supposed to be blogging, dammit! I figured I'd just put off the recap until after I was done with this week's Amazing Race, but then a quick look at the calendar revealed that it was Thursday and I was about to commit the cardinal sin of television blogging: getting lapped by TV! Yes, if I didn't hurry up, a new episode of Survivor would air before I'd even had a chance to post about the old one. Not cool. It didn't make things much easier for me that this week's episode of Survivor wasn't exactly thrilling. I mean, it wasn't bad or lame -- just average. But anyway, I've already babbled enough about my poor time management. Let's revisit all the glorious moments (all three of them) from the latest installment of Survivor.
The episode began with bugs crawling all over stuff. You know things are getting tense when Mark Burnett shuns the ever popular crab-in-the-dark intro. Anyway, we then cast our eyes on resident twig Janu who was still smarting from Coby's departure. "I felt this huge loss," she explained, possibly referring to her weight. While she moped and lost valuable heart tissue, Katie and Jenn had a heartfelt conversation down on the beach. Were they discussing politics, social issues, or maybe existentialism? No. They were gossiping. Better yet, they were gossiping about Janu - a.k.a. the woman sitting ten feet away.
"Janu is completely mad," said Katie in an interview. She then went on to describe her tribemate's wacky behavior: "Last night at tribal council, she was sitting like a jack-in-the-box with this really creepy smile and eyes on her face." This from the girl who looks like a beached walrus in bikini bottoms. Seriously, she's one set of eyeglasses away from being the island Piggy. Wow, that was mean of me. But hey, if she's gonna be vacuous and shallow, so will I.
Well, Janu overheard Katie's yapping and immediately accused her of carrying on with a high school mentality. Actually, I would have revised that to "middle school" after Katie opened up her trap in defense: "You're being creepy. I'm sorry!" Hey Katie, you're being fat (Hey, I never said that I was above middle school level either).
The two women continued to go at it until Janu finally laid down one of the more bizarre insults by saying "You're Saturday Night Live." Had Katie had any semblance of brainpower, she would have responded with "Well, you're Mad TV!", but of course she lacks any wit or verbal ingenuity and was unsurprisingly silent. Maybe she hit her head one too many times while swinging from vines. By the way, if SNL ever does become only as funny as Katie, Lorne Michaels may want to simply turn the show into a drama (or at least fire Horatio Sanz).
Anyway, the argument eventually climaxed when Janu turned to the assembled group and said, "All you guys are gonna turn on each other." Ian simply stared off into the distance with a look that seemed to say, "Oh yeah. She's right... I wish Tom would hold me right now." Tom would then place a hand on Ian's shoulder and say "I'm already here, buddy. I'm already here..."
Soon it was time for everyone to head out and meet good ole Jeff Probst for the Reward Challenge. Our intrepid host explained that the tribe would be split into two groups that would then piece together scaffolding in the water. The first team to build its entire structure, grab a flag, and then return to shore would win. There wasn't much noteworthy about the challenge except that it appeared to be extremely draining. Katie for one had a difficult job swimming, breathing, and keeping her ass in her pants. Yes, for the first time we appreciated CBS's nudity blur as the island tart bared some butt crack to America. Later, Katie won my vote for "Most In Need of a Sports Bra" when her boobies went flopping all over Palau as she ran back into the surf. Seriously, anyone in a two foot radius might have wound up with a bloody nose.
Eventually, the plucky group of Tom, Gregg, Caryn, and Janu won the reward and immediately went off to have lunch with some native islanders. Before the meal though, the winning survivors participated in a traditional ceremony that had Caryn waxing poetic. She explained that she was thoroughly moved by the chief's blessing, but sadly Caryn neglected to let us know whether the experience was better or worse than that time she stumbled into Macy's half-off sale. Nevertheless, the chief placed a flowery garland around Caryn's head, and I couldn't help thinking how awesome it would have been had he given her a curly wig instead. Then she could have played out scenes in Meet the Fockers.
Meet The FlowersThe group soon chowed down to what appeared to be a delectable feast, but unfortunately, Janu's pea-sized stomach couldn't take the sudden influx of nourishment. Moments later, she excused herself and booted in the bushes. If you need a visual on this one, just imagine a broomstick vomiting. Amazingly enough, Gregg seemed to be actually mad at her, noting that there were four other people who surely would have happily taken Janu's place at the table. Until Gregg drops the "G" quotient of his name down to a healthy 40%, I can't take him seriously.
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